[Reading the opening cards]
Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
CCrow
A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!
“The Wild Wild World of Batwoman” · Season 5
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (19), Tom Servo (16), Mike Nelson (14), Narrator (5), Gypsy (1), Johnny (1), Mary (1)
[The short opens over a large clock.]
SAServo [as radio announcer]
The Jack Benny Program!
[The clock strikes ominously.]
[deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge...
[A phone rings.]
CCrow
For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.
[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]
Oh, the foley guy must be calling!
Why don't they call?
CCrow
Because they don't like you.
CCrow
Mother Teresa called. She hates you.
MMary
The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
CACrow [as John]
Aw, let's just cheat!
JJohn
x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]
SAServo [as Mary]
Nobody home, huh?
JJohn
Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
MAMike [as Mary]
John, this is geography!
And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.
CCrow
Split it open now!
You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.
On a doily.
So you decided to take a chance.
[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]
SAServo [as Johnny]
[loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?
[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]
MAMike [as Narrator]
Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]
SAServo [as Miss Grandy]
This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.
Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?
CCrow
Or was it lust?
Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.
[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]
SAServo [as Johnny]
Oh, hi Miss Grandy-- EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!
And most of all, your new job as student council representative.
[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]
CACrow [as Johnny]
I envision a cheating wing!
[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]
SAServo [as Miss Grandy]
I smell a big Commie rat.
GMiss Grandy
John, bring it up here, please.
[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]
CACrow [as loudspeaker]
PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!
[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]
Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
. . .
CCrow
And so Dana Plato's career begins.
[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!
But did John truly intend to be dishonest?
Or was he just pure evil?
[A question mark appears on-screen.]
CACrow [as the Riddler]
Riddle me this, Batman! [cackles]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.