Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

S4 The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

...they're Gollum.

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[As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.]

NNarrator

Long ago,

S4 The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

...they're Golem.

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NNarrator

How does Jeff get ideas like that?

SAServo [as Narrator]

From the voices inside his head.

[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]

NNarrator

Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!

The lunch menu?

S5 Swamp Diamonds

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NNarrator

Most of us think that these people were really free...

JAJoel [as Narrator]

But they were just stupid!

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[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]

NNarrator

A complicated system of irrigation is used.

Oh, real complicated.

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NNarrator

Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.

They make it sound so nice!

. . .

[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]

JAJoel [as Narrator]

A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.

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NNarrator

The carrots are washed first.

CACrow [as Narrator]

They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!

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NNarrator

Some carrots are frozen.

Some carrots are humiliated publicly.

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NNarrator

Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...

Texans.

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[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]

NNarrator

The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.

CACrow [as Narrator]

Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

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[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]

NNarrator

Ah, spring!

CACrow [as Narrator]

Filthy, shameful spring!

. . .

You know, people were whiter back then.

NNarrator

When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...

Underpants.

NNarrator

...Love.

Oh.

S5 The Painted Hills

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[Shot of slovenly girl.]

NNarrator

Look at that hair!

[defensively] I like her hair!

NNarrator

And that blouse!

[lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!

...

[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]

NNarrator

Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!

[bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!

. . .

[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]

NNarrator

Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...

SAServo [as Narrator]

Those... n-nose.

. . .

We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!

[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]

CACrow [as young man]

Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

S5 The Painted Hills

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[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]

NNarrator

Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes--

SAServo [as the Narrator]

Is immoral.

NNarrator

--is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.

Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.

S5 The Painted Hills

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NNarrator

Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.