Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Yes, Joel Hodgson?

Joel

I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.

You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?

Joel

It was on 8-track.

[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]

The Green Slime

View quote →

PPilot

Take us into the number two position, will you?

Joel

[getting up to leave] Speaking of the number two position...

The Green Slime

View quote →

TTCaptain Troy Tempest

No visible sign of trouble.

Joel

Not yet.

TTempest

Down SVC. Standby to surface.

LGLt. George "Phones" Sheridan

Standing by.

TTempest

Right. Blow 1.

PPhones

Blow 1.

JAJoel [as Tempest]

Pull my finger.

Invaders from the Deep

View quote →

[as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray]

Joel

Are they sweating or is that sap?

...

Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible.

Invaders from the Deep

View quote →

[as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair]

Joel

Oh he's pacing, right?

His boots weren't made for walking.

Invaders from the Deep

View quote →

Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause--

Joel

[horrified] Oh no...

Never mind.

Joel

You don't mean that...

Ant-orexic.

[laughs] See? Servo got it.

Phase IV

View quote →

[While the end credits roll.]

I thought it was deep...

Joel

What did you think, Servo?

I thought it was pathetic.

So deep, we should've been wearing boots.

This made flying turtles look good.

Phase IV

View quote →

[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" -- a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]

Joel

Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.

[deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.

I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.

Cosmic Princess

View quote →

[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]

1... 2...

SAServo [as Tony]

3...

5...

JCJoel, Crow, Servo

What?!

6...

Joel

That's why they're in such trouble.

7... 4.

Well, they are British.

Cosmic Princess

View quote →

Joel

The plot thickens.

Like rancid pea soup.

Humanoid Woman

View quote →

[The film ends just before the kickoff.]

AAnnouncer

There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.

[annoyed] Who won?

I know I'll never be quite the same.

Joel

This movie's history.

We're history.

Joel

Let's go.

[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]