Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Servo

[singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…

Come here.

Joel

The new Pope has not been chosen.

Joel

Meanwhile, in Toledo...

Servo

No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?

This must be a weekly series.

Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!

Joel

Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.

Servo

Where to start?

The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!

Joel

No. Always wonder.

Servo

COME ON!

Servo

Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!

Joel

We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.

He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle.

I ammmmmmmmm!

Joel

Oh; big hill, everybody!

Servo

Well, whaddaya know?

[narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float] And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from-

Joel

-The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life?

[as the parade Grand Marshall] It is balloon!

Joel

And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen.

I think you mean helium.

Servo

[as Lon Chaney] Man; I gotta take an indestructible whiz.

Joel

[later, over a scene of a police car] Officers, be on the lookout for donuts!

Servo

Joel, those donut jokes are starting to get old real fast.

Joel

[bitterly] Oh, pardon me, Tom "I gotta take an indestructible whiz" Servo...

Joel

[singing] Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have.

[of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl] I wanted to hoerl after I read the screenplay. [Servo makes fake retching noises]

Vena's just still on her vacation; as for me, just let me relax with my little black book and the gay nightlife.

Joel

[briefly taken aback] Ah; insert joke here.

Joel

Congratulations, you're one second into the film!

Oh no! The plaster's coming off!

Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies.

Joel

Booze takes a dull party and makes it better!

Tom Servo

Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds.

B-double O-Z-E, booze! [Crow hiccups]

Don't you ever rob anybody else?!

Sure; but we like you!

Joel

[as Iris, sitting in the getaway car] I thought they liked me.

[singing] Leather coat...

Servo

...Dish of ice cream!

...duck-bill hair.

[as café patron] Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here!

Call me wild...

Joel

...Oscar Wilde!

...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy.

[introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl] Look, Kate, I am a gentleman.

That I'll try.

[disgusted] Oh, great; another oily unlikable character!

I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again!

So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman.

Servo

It's Ms. Hathaway!

And if no gentleman, why then no arm?

A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books!

Ha-ha, what is your crest? [loops] A coxcomb? A coxcomb?

Servo

[alongside the loop] A Henry Miller.

Joel

[as Mapes shuts off the record] Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already.