Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000, page 30 ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Joel Hodgson

Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes

4th most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 542 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (294), Crow T. Robot (271), Narrator (42)

Scenes with Joel Robinson 438

[as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen]

Servo

You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing...

CJCrow and Joel

Oh no!

S4 The Rebel Set (movie)

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KIKing Invader

[whilst reciting beat poetry] Smell, oh nostrils; hear, oh ears...

CPCafe Patron's Husband

[sarcastically while clapping] Bravo, old Majesty!

KIKing Invader

[in a bitterly sardonic tone] Thank you, old square...

Joel

Hey, that would be a good phrase to use on someone who's not very hip.

S4 The Rebel Set (movie)

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CPCafe Patron

[to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving] King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart.

CCrow

[as patron] My husband's very hip at home!

KIKing Invader

[short pause] I am bugged...!

Joel

God of facial hair!

KIKing Invader

...beyond recall!

S4 The Rebel Set (movie)

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[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]

Servo

Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.

Joel

Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?

Servo

Oops.

CCrow

Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo!

Servo

Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't begin to understand!

CCrow

Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

Joel

Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up?

Servo

How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.

Joel

That's better.

CCrow

It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.

Servo

Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.

[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]

Joel

Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.

Servo

That's good.

Joel

No, it really is.

Servo

Whatever, Joel.

[As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.]

CCrow

It's Liza!

[A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.]

Servo

HELLRAISER!! NO!!!

[The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]

Joel

See? Emmett changed management soon after this.

[Shot of the crowd cheering]

CACrow [as crowd]

We love it when he eats!

S4 Here Comes the Circus (short)

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JAJoel [as trapeze artist]

A rogue elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie.

Servo

NOW who's getting dark? Hehe, I like it.

S4 Here Comes the Circus (short)

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[As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.]

NNarrator

Long ago,

Joel

...they're Gollum.

S4 The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

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[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]

LLouhi

Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo?

Joel

Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order...

S4 The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

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[As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.]

NNarrator

Long ago,

Joel

...they're Golem.

S4 The Day the Earth Froze (movie)

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[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.]

SAServo [as Warren]

Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.

JAJoel [as Warren]

Hmm? What in the world? Assault with a deadly weapon?!

CACrow [as Warren]

AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?!

JAJoel [as Warren]

What? He got a D in trigonometry?

SAServo [as Warren]

But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries.

CACrow [as Warren]

I'd fire him if he weren't my son.

[Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.]

JAJoel [as Warren]

Are you there, Lord?

SAServo [as Warren]

Hello, wall.

CACrow [as Warren]

Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it.

[Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.]

SAServo [as Warren]

That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car!

Joel

Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album.

CACrow [as Warren]

If I could read, I'd know what the problem is.

SAServo [as Warren]

Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two!

S4 Hired! Part 1 (short)

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[Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]'

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[[in a whisper] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired.

Joel

[singing] I'm hired

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's hired.

Joel

[singing] I hope I don't get fired.

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's hired.

Joel

[singing] In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired.

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired.

Joel

[singing] I got a job today.

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's hired.

Joel

[singing] I'm selling Chevrolets.

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's hired.

Joel

[singing] I'm bringing home good pay.

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's hired.

Joel

[singing] I just got hired

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today.

Joel

[singing] Yeah, me!

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's selling Chevrolets.

Joel

[singing] We're gonna get awnings.

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He's bringing home good pay.

Joel

[singing] I'm hired

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] Maybe even dessert

Joel

[singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired!

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] He just got hired! HIRED!

S4 Hired! Part 1 (short)

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Joel

[singing] I was wondering if you’d like to see my-

GGypsy

No!

Joel

[singing] But I really think you should see my-

Servo

No!

Joel

[singing] It’s got a lovely-

GGypsy

No!

Joel

[singing] And if only you would-

CCrow

No!

TCTom, Crow, Gypsy

[singing] Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!!

S4 Hired! Part 1 (short)

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HHunter

[as he's strapped to an operating table] What are you doing to me?..

JAJoel [ as Dr.Vornoff]

you're gonna be Myra Breckinridge.

VDr. Vornoff

You will soon be as big as giant,

CCrow

But it's not covered by his insurance.

VDr. Vornoff

with the strength of twenty men,

JAJoel [ as Dr.Vornoff]

Give or take a few.

VDr. Vornoff

Or--

SAServo [ as Dr.Vornoff]

--Not.

VDr. Vornoff

Like all the others; dead.

[As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony]

CACrow [ as Dr.Vornoff]

Oops!

[As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine]

JAJoel [ as Dr.Vornoff]

Well, so much for the giant theory.

S4 Bride of the Monster (movie)

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[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick watch in horror and dismay.]

Joel

Well, calamari, anybody?

Servo

That was one unstable octopus.

JAJoel [as Capt. Robbins]

Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me.

SAServo [as Capt. Robbins]

Wait, how did he do that?

CRCapt. Robbins

[solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.

CCrow

Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.

[the credits get shown]

Servo

Loser.

Joel

Mhm.

Servo

Loser.

CCrow

Yeah.

Servo

Loser. [Joel and Crow laugh] Harvey B. Loser. George Bec-loser. Paul Loser Marco. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... [they get up to leave]

CCrow

But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer?

Servo

The drunk was real good.

CCrow

Oh, yeah!

S4 Bride of the Monster (movie)

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Servo

So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right?

Joel

No, actually, it's more like a minute.