Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

I invented that move.

Yeah, right.

Servo

Oh, no! No, no -- they're doing it clown-style! No!

Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!

Joel

Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.

More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!

Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.

Hank Kimball's brought in.

Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...

Servo

Hey, C. Everett Kook!

Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!

Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.

Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!

Joel

This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.

Servo

You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.

Joel

Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!

Don't talk about our clown, Martha.

KITTIES!

Joel

I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?

Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!

Servo

Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...

Party in Susan's dressing room!

Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?

Yah, it's really too bad.

No Sampo, eh? Bummer.

Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.

I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!

He failed to bring back the Sampo!

Sampo!

We shall die of starvation!

Sampo!

Joel

Well to be honest, everybody, we don't know what a Sampo is.

Not a clue.

Servo

If you know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, throw it away and then try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did.

Sampo!

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy!

Joel

Here we go!

Ssshh!

[singing] There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath] "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you.

"I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you.

Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily] You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again]

Yay!

Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me!

Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.

Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!

A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!

We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!

Sales are the most important thing in this business.

Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.

We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.

But first -- martinis!

Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.

'Cause you've got the most problems.

Joel

Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.

Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?

Servo

Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.

What was I thinking?

Women who lunch.

And the Manos who love them -- next Donahue.

Joel

You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.

Servo

...and now, back to We Married Manos!

Well, the talks broke down at this point.

Servo

Looks like the Russian Parliament.

Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!

Designing Women, the lost episodes.

And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

Joel

You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.

I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!

Servo

You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!

Joel

You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.

It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.

Servo

I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

Silence!

Joel

Is golden!

Silence!

Joel

Is golden!