Joel Robinson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.

Johnny's car rolled and burned.

There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.

Joel

Simulated culture like Disneyland.

Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".

Joel

Oh, we've all been there.

[slowly] "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?"

Joel

Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be: according to Merritt Stone.

Servo

[offscreen] HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE!

Joel

Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!

Servo

Neat!

[in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

Servo

Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.

[in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?

Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?

Joel

I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.

Servo

Uh… I think you need more toner!

Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!

Joel

Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?

Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a--

Joel

Oh, that's enough.

Oh, don't hit me.

Joel

You got your circus on my ice!

Hey, you got your ice on my circus!

Servo

Two bad things that go worse together!

Servo

Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.

Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!

Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!

Joel

Oh, and she skates over her own intestines.

Servo

Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!

Joel

You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.

Oh, it might not be too bad...

Servo

No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.

Joel

Yeah...

[sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!

Joel

No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.

Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.

Servo

It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.

Joel

Yeah, we might as well face up to it...

Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...

Joel

[in disbelief] Unbelieveable...

Hello? [A pause] Yes?

I made that phone noise.

As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...

Tom Servo

As if we cared.

Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!

Joel

Oh, the joke's on us!

Boooooo!

Joel

Hey, w-what's wrong?

Servo

Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!

Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!

Servo

Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!

Heeere comes the Devil!

Servo

It's Beezlebub the Clown!

Joel

Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?

Servo

Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.

Joel

Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?

Servo

Oops.

Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!

Joel

Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?

Servo

How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.

Joel

That's better.

It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.

Servo

Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.

Joel

Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.

Servo

That's good.

Joel

No, it really is.

Servo

Whatever, Joel.

Joel

See? Emmett changed management soon after this.

We love it when he eats!

Joel

It's a living!

Mother, please come home!

Servo

Yes, our Betty swings both ways!

Joel

Oh, stop it!

Servo

She does! Look!

Joel

Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.

This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.

Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!

Women who love too much and the feet that use them.

Servo

This one's on the rebound.