A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
Chapman! Chapman!
You got any gum?
Where's Makonnen?
He's dead. Gone.
He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]
Now they'll never believe me...
[Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all.
[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
MikeHey, guys.
[screams] YAH!
Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
Mike[chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Thank you!
[backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
[sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
[gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]
[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
. . .
It's a production of Road House in the Park.
. . .
MikeAnd during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.
[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]
I'm actually working on something now.
Really? What's the subject matter?
You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
MikeHeh, good one!
[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
[in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
In due time, you'll know everything.
Well, maybe then it's too late!
MikeWow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]
MikePow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!
Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
Tusk!
MikeHigh on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
Tusk!
Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
MikeI've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
Tusk!
Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
MikeIn your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
MikeWe were merely freshmen!
Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk!
[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]
MikeI am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts...
[Looking at the back of her cereal box] Brain Guy.
Yeah. [Summons a cannon which points at Mike]
MikeAhh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again?
[Still reading the back of her cereal box] "Werewolf".
Mike"Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you?
[Still reading the back of his cereal box] No.
MikeDidn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... [Hastily climbs back up the ladder]
[Over a shot of the moon]
Oh, I ate too much - I am a full moon!
MikeI am gonna hit you so hard...
[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]
It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore.
Mike[holding a rag to his head] Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches!
Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- [notices Mike's new features] hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man!
MikeReally?
Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god!
[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]
MikeWha- what?!
Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head!
Mike[Mike does so] So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. [voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow] Hey! Wait a minute!
Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence.
Blech! Don't say essence!
MikeYeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm...
[choruses with Mike] Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said!
Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW!
Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel?
MikeWell I feel thin...
Uh-huh.
Mike...I have an intense love for bacon...
Oh yeah!
Mike...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet.
Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great!
MikeMan, I love us!
Yeah, me too!
[disgusted] If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! [leaves]
MikeYeah, whatever. So what else can I expect?
Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so...
MikeOkay, good.
You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC-
MikeAlready have!
Great! [Commercial sign starts] Oop. [choruses with Mike] Well be right back!
MikeHaha! What else?
Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines.
MikeOoh, good point! [chuckles]
[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
Morning, David.
Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Oh, the usual.
9 A.M., why so late?
Make it a double, will you?
Alright, now we're in England.
MikeAndy Capp: The Movie.
[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]
[singing to "Sleigh Bells"] Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]
Hey, it's Nondescript Spice.
MikeWhose woods these are?
Oh, I think I know.
MikeHuh?
[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]
[gasps] Killer cookie crumbs!
Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of.
[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]
Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind.
MikeWhy do you lash out like that?
I don't know.
[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]
[voiceover] Want someone else on the line?
No.
[voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
MikeWell, andante, maybe.
Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.
[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]
How does it tell you, and why?
I don't think you'd understand.
[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]
Oh, I'll just go wish myself into the cornfield.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
