Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Genius. Pure Genius.

...couldn't save this film.

I'm farting Monopoly cards!

Mike

Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. [chuckles] Sorry.

Mike

Vertigo to hell.

Servo

You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now!

Mike

I love you this much!

Servo

I don't care for you!

But of course, almost everyone doppled voluntarily. Fingal was my first compulsory dopple.

I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple...

W-- Wait a minute, I changed my mind. Some other time...

Sit down, Mr. Fingal.

You need to tinkle, Fingal?

Nothing to worry about.

How 'bout some Pringles, Fingal?

Trust me.

Just gonna band-saw the top of your head off.

I am working, Mr. Fingal.

Listen, Felicia, why don't we just walk out of here, go back to my place, and make love?

Servo

Whoa! I wanna work in data entry!

Is that your idea of a joke?! Do you wanna get us fired?!

Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia. [rapidly waves his hands, causing the simulation to rewind]

Mike

Oh, there's a fly in here.

[as the simulation rewinds] What's that? Kill myself? Okay, not a problem. [begins to walk away]

Mike

No no, stay.

Now then, shall we go back to my place and make love?

This is sexual harassment, and I'm gonna take it!

Whoa, look familiar, Mike? Well, probably not.

Mike

Hey...

Oh, I thought you'd never ask, big boy.

Well, I'm actually "size doesn't matter boy."

Mike

Ah! Hitler! ... or, a guy in a car.

Mr. Fingal!

Servo

Santa!

I see I'm on time.

For what, Fat Man?

I've taken the liberty of arranging for some papers for you, uh, passport, exit visa, that sort of thing.

And I'm big-boned, by the way.

Your most recent reports were very positive, Mr. Fingal.

Isn't that just great?

It would be very wise to think of traveling, and enjoying yourself.

Is that what you're gonna do, Fingal? Enjoy yourself?

Lay off, will you Rick?

Let's just get through the movie.

I don't have to be a big man. It was crazy of me to try reprogramming the HX368.

Luckily you stopped in time.

Servo

Da-dum da-dada-DIE! Da-dum da-dada-CRAP!

Come on, Fingal! The plane is leaving!

You're gonna spend the rest of your life playing it straight?

It's my only chance!

If you'd made anymore trouble for them, Mr. Fingal, they would have been forced to erase your existence here. That would have been most unfortunate.

Yeah? Well maybe I would have found my own way to get out.

Oops! Sorry, burped up a capon.

... you think he's can't do it?

I think he's a fool to risk everything for his silly games.

I guess that was what he was doing.

The hell I was!

Servo

[gasp] Mike, he said "hell!"

Your plane, Mr. Fingal. You don't want to miss it!

There's nothing more boring than playing it safe, Fingal.

[opening his car] Let me accompany you to the plane, Mr. Fingal.

Shut up, Fat Man!

You... you anteater!

Better safe than dead, Rick.

That's a matter of opinion.

Mr. Fingal, they're ready for takeoff!

[throwing the papers at the Fat Man] HERE, FAT MAN, YOU TAKE THE TRIP!

And yes, there's a meal.

MY COMPLIMENTS.

... You're a very foolish man, Mr. Fingal.

Lot of face.

From now on, whatever happens is your responsibility. Is that clear? [signals his driver to leave]

To Wendy's!

Mike, why were you choking the monkey?

Mike

Because Bobo is such... HEY!!

What is on these things?

The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But...

I have to clean my glasses first.

Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us...

My glasses are filthy!

You better watch where you're going!

Pretty you may be!

Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!

Servo

Uh... driving she may be!

Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!

Mike

An exhaust system she may need!

Laser Preheat!

Laser Pre-Heat… in!

Grease and flour cake pans!

Laser Emission Relay.

Laser Emission Relay… on!

Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!

Mike

Are we not blokes?

Relay One.

Relay One… in!

Really dumb scene… end!

Gloria?

G-L-O-R-I-A?

Gloria!

In excelsis Deo!

Gloria!

I hear they got your number.

Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?

Servo

Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?

Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?

Mike

Crow!

Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!

Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.

Mike

Pat Buchanan's first day as President.

You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...

Don't hit him...

...if you just take the time to look at it.

You're some guy, Makonnen.

You know, Captain...

Shut up, Ray.

Servo

Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...

Mike

Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...

Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain

Mike

Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...

I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...

Servo

You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...