[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]
MikeWhat, has he got Pringles in his shoes?
Proof that janitors walk upright!
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
Mike[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]
Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
MikeThese are the beginning credits!
Oh, well, then kill me, please?
[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]
CCrow
So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…?
. . .
[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]
MikeHe's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.
. . .
[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]
MikeOh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.
[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]
CCrow
That is not a woman! That's David Lee Roth!
. . .
[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]
The car will do anything to get out of this movie!
[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]
CCrow
In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash!
[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]
MAMike [as Kevin]
Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light!
[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]
FFarmer
Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Mercy?
FFarmer
...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
MAMike [as Mercy]
Yeah, milk me.
[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]
MikeThe American Gothic people take revenge.
. . .
[Fade to table of people laughing]
CCrow
[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story] And then he died!
[all laugh]
[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]
Grandma Kramer!
MikeA kabuki actor's been hit!
. . .
LLuther
What happened? What have you done?
SAServo [as Lucinda]
I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!
[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]
This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
JJody
Why did you run?
SAServo [as Melissa]
'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
MAMike [as Jody]
You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
CACrow [as Jody]
This is where my tongue lives.
[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]
MAMike [as townsfolk]
Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch.
. . .
[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]
SStrickland
"The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
SAServo [as Strickland]
...said Madeleine.
SStrickland
"...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
CACrow [as Strickland]
Tsch. Bunch of crap.
SStrickland
"A dreadful sound is in his ears."
MAMike [as Strickland]
It's Paula Cole, I think.
SStrickland
"In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]
SStrickland
What is it, child?
YLYoung Lucinda
I thought I heard something.
SStrickland
Pay attention to the word of God.
SAServo [as Strickland]
For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
SStrickland
"Yea..."
CACrow [as Strickland]
"...team!"
SStrickland
"...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
MAMike [as Strickland]
"...by ten-thirty…"
SStrickland
"...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
SAServo [as Daughter]
Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
. . .
[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]
SMrs. Strickland
What is it, David?
CCrow
It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
Papa, what is it?
CCrow
[irritated] People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all?
[Over a shot of the forest]
Mike[singing] But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...
CCrow
[stern] Mike, stop it now.
Mike...Sorry.
[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]
SSam
Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
MikePoor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.
[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]
Maybe Mary Poppins flies in and kicks his ass?
MikeThat I'd pay to see.
[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]
I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
CCrow
Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
CCrow
Yeah. I-- I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
D'oh!
MikeHey! Tha-- that doesn't even work!
CCrow
[lewdly] Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
MikeThat's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I--
[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]
MikeYou know what I mean. Stop it.
[The film starts with a message about the filming locations of London and Dublin.]
Mike"London, England"... Yeah, which was paid for by exorbitant taxes on Rod Stewart and Pete Townshend.
(after the message fades) Wait, I just got three words into it!
[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]
MikeI understand everything up to the word "A".
CCrow
He comes from a long line of great anuses.
. . .
CCrow
That's an anagram for "direct to video!"
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