Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Hugo...

Have you been shaving your legs with this again?

Tom Servo

[to Mike] Have you seen Crow?

Mike Nelson

Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing.

Servo

Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about...

[offscreen] DEBBIE!!

Mike Nelson

Debbie, right; that's it.

[offscreen] Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! [punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]

Servo

[wincing] Oh, please, say that was a lamp!

Mike Nelson

Uh, it was probably just a lamp.

[crying] Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie!

Servo

He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in!

I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care!

Mike Nelson

Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie.

[sobbing] I don't care! Debbie! Let me go!

Servo

[also sobbing] My windoooowww!

Mike Nelson

There, there, Crow.

Debbie...

Mike Nelson

Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful?

I think I like the Debbie one better.

Mike

[to the other robots] You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge.

[as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show] Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards!

Servo

[as Vorelli] Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips!

Mike

[audience continues applauding] Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act!

[as Hugo] That sucked! Even I didn't believe I was talking!

Servo

[of Vorelli] A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face.

[to the volunteer] You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets.

Mike

The Manchurian Ventriloquist!

I want you to imagine you are in his place.

[sighs] Why so negative?

[as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation] Should we really call this the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"?

[as crowd] Hooray; more!

Mike

[as Vorelli] Hey; pay attention!

[as crowd claps] Ha ha; we love your cruelty!

Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight?

Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing.

What do you mean?

Simply that you are laughing while I am talking.

And what's wrong with that?

Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny.

Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then.

Tom Servo

[as Vorelli] Min-wax, Hugo?

[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine] Give me some wine. I want some wine.

A dummy? Drinking wine?

[as Vorelli] Spodie-odie?

Don't be ridiculous!

I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?

Mike

[as Hugo] All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!

You are a dummy, Hugo.

[as the audience claps] The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back!

So, then--the Rogi-Pani Complex.

Mike

The "Roji-Panty Complex"?

So whatever happened to Space Chef?

Mike

That's "Chief."

Chief Chef?

Y'know, Space Chief should try going into space sometime!

Servo

Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.

Mike

Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.

[royally confused] What the...?

Servo

They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?

All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!

Mike

The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...

They blew it up!

Say, Mike--was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?

Mike

Not, uh...no. No.

Sure?

Mike

...Yeah.

What next? The Mussolini Mall?

Servo

Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!

It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."

Mike

Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.

Servo

Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."

Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?

Mike

Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.

The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!

Servo

There's a volume for the letter epsilon.

There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.

Servo

It's got a picture of Stonehenge!

Mike

So?

Servo

Under construction?!

Mike

So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.

Servo

Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.

Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships.

I agree.

I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho.

Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.

Mike

I disagree!

Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.

Then let him do so alone.

This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.

I just have to wet myself first.

Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?

We'll not allow that! No!

Servo

The easily led wise council.

Let me go, traitors!

What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!

Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!

Servo

Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.

Death by snicker-snag!

Mike

I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!

Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."

Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?

Mike

I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!

Report to the enforcers' bridge.

Servo

Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!

Listen, lady!

Doctor!

Doctor.

Doctor Lady!

I had to eject! I had no other choice!

That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice!

Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.

Mike

It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.

Mike

Oh, no, the death of Rick Springfield!

Servo

I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!

Servo

Herve Villechaize's Death Car.

Mike

Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!

Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!

We need both horsepowers on this thing!

I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!