[The Sting-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]
SAServo [as Devers]
[singing] De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...
[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]
MikeHey, wait, she's dead!
Mike
She died!
[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]
CACrow [as Devers]
I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
. . .
[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]
I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
MAMike [as Devers]
Oh, I love that font!
. . .
It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
SAServo [as Cmdr. Jansen]
Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
. . .
[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]
MAMike [as Devers]
'Kay, look alive, everybod-- oh...sorry, Susan.
[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]
Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Mike
Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
Mike
Uhhh...
[The music slows down to a power ballad style]
Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
Mike
All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!
[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]
You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!
[After a while Mike sits up]
Mike
Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.
[Pause of a second]
Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! [sobbing]
[sobbing] It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
Mike
No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
[sobbing] I'm sorry, Mike!
Mike
It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.
[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]
Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally!
. . .
Mike
Woooo! We got ISO 9001 certified!
. . .
[Ryder leaves to find Lea]
He's gonna have so much sex with your daughter.
[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]
SAServo [as dog]
[talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
Mike
[groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.
[The logo fades out]
[still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents--
Mike
Okay, stop.
[During the first scene in 2041]
Mike
[derisively] The, uh, future.
[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]
So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
. . .
So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now...
. . .
[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]
Hey, look--a lesbian... of the future!
[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]
Mike
Food courts... of the future!
[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]
27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
Mike
E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
. . .
Mike
Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
Oh, he's like poo, all right.
. . .
[as Nick climbs down the tree]
[in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]
He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.
[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]
So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.
Mike
Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.
[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]
Mike
Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
