Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[enters wearing nurse's outfit] Here I am!

FMrs. Forrester

Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?

My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. (begins attending to Forrester's wound)

FMrs. Forrester

...what's that smell?!

Oh! Mustard gas!

FMrs. Forrester

Mustard gas! Get the masks!

BBobo

Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch.

Good god, ape...

FMrs. Forrester

That's it, we're pulling out!

[Clanking sound is heard]

Hand grenade!

BBobo

Grenade! I'll save you! [throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]

FMrs. Forrester

Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!

[looks up] It's a good thing I don't have a body... [flops back down]

[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]

Mike Nelson

Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...

I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—

Mike

[ignoring Crow] ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...

D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.

Just a little too much.

[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]

Mike

And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...

Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—

Mike

[again ignoring Crow]It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...

So! Bombs away, Mike!

Okay, Mike! Bombs away!

Mike

Oh! Right... [Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]

Bombs away, Mike!

Bombs away! [to Crow] Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.

Is that so?

[Mike reenters without the bomb]

Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...

Mike

There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...

A little distraction!

[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]

[gets back up] Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?

Think so...

And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!

S8 Riding with Death

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[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]

CACrow [as Headline]

Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.

MAMike [as Headline]

Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor.

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[We hear a barking dog running past]

TATom [As dog, with Japanese accent]

Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!

[A police car drives past in the same direction]

Mike

After that dog!

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[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]

PPhantom

Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di-- [movie skip] --ren!

Mike

"Kill some diffren"?

"Diffren"?

PPrince

I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!

You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?

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[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]

CCO

Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.

MAMike [as CO]

I understand you're stuffed with cheese.

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[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]

CACrow [as Phantom]

Set whole fryers to stun!

Mike

The upper half of a Hopper painting.

SAServo [as Citizen]

Oh! A giant roast chicken!

CACrow [as Citizen]

It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!

MAMike [as Citizen]

It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!

SAServo [as Citizen]

Ohhhhh!

CACrow [as Phantom]

Potatoes or stuffing?!

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WWally

Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen!

MAMike [as Wally]

Get out of my wine!

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[Prince of Space has survived a thermal trap.]

PSPrince of Space

Enough of this! When will you ever learn your guns won't work on me?

PPhantom

Shoot him!

MAMike [as henchman]

Brilliant new plan, sir!

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[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]

Mike

What is "additional dialogue", anyway?

Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?"

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[The monsters attack an all-girl slumber party]

Mike

[They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.

Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.

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[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look Polish"]

Mike

Wait-- "Look Polish?"

Huh?

Mike

It's--it was right there in the shot is was somethi--see? It says "Look Polish"!

"Look Polish"!

Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"

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EEulabelle

It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin!

CACrow [as Eulabelle]

You wouldn't understand!

. . .

GDr. Gavin

Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research.

EEulabelle

And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there.

GDr. Gavin

That's enough!

MAMike [as Dr. Gavin]

You're scaring me!