[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]
It's…
MikeIt's…
CCrow
It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
. . .
CCrow
It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
Mike[The Stepmother forces Nastenka to knit outside in the night]
Here's a place where you can knit, Nastka, and you won't wake my darling, little Marfushka. The moon is out, there's plenty of light.
MAMike [as the Stepmother]
Chernobyl's on fire, it's great!
[Pearl returns from dropping off the Space Children, finding Bobo and Brain Guy debating over which ape movie is better: Every Which Way But Loose or Any Which Way You Can ]
What the hell is going on here? Thinking Every Which Way But Loose is the best ape movie... what do you know about ape movies? The best ape movie- the best ape movie- ever is Dunston Checks In; end of story. [adresses the Satelite of Love, unaware Mike is behind her] Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits!
MikeUh, I'm right here.
Oh... [turns around to face Nelson] ...until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits!
[after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear]
CCrow
[as Ivan] Damn it, Puck! This time you've gone too far!
IIvan
What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?!
Mike[as Ivan, crying and running off] Mommy!!
[as Ivan/Yogi] I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket!
Ivanushka!
CCrow
[as Nastenka] We have to register at Club Wed!
Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you!
IIvan
[angrily] I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch!
Tonight on a very special Grizzly Adams.
Mike[as Nastenka] Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear!
[after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse]
FMFather Mushroom
Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask...
[as Father Mushroom] Do I crap in the woods?
FMFather Mushroom
...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; only yourself. You offended everyone else.
CCrow
Heed these words, Mike.
FMFather Mushroom
Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings.
IIvan
I hurt her feelings?!
FMFather Mushroom
You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice:
Mike[as Father Mushroom] Shave!
CCrow
[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond] And the Freelance Shame Squad is there!
[later the group returns and the camera focuses on a blond-haired boy in the crowd]
It's a young Mike Nelson!
Mike[offended] Hey!
[Grandfather Frost appears and demonstrates his power by spreading snow and frost through the forest]
Mike[as Grandfather Frost] Eat lead, spring!
CCrow
[as Grandfather Frost] I do frost, and I do it well.
[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]
CACrow [as Nastenka]
We spit on your doorstep!
Ptui!
CCrow
Ptui!
MAMike [as her hectored father]
Please take me with you, please, please...
I'd like you to meet...
SAServo [as Nastenka]
Uh, what's your name again?
Ivanushka, my fiance.
CACrow [as Ivan through a forced smile]
I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible.
[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]
[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]
MikeUniversal, except for you, Ron.
CCrow
You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.
[As the title appears]
MikeHey, the Matthew Broderick story.
CCrow
And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.
[During the opening credits]
MikeIs there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
. . .
CCrow
Starring rejects from Harry-O.
. . .
If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
MikeAnthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
. . .
Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
. . .
Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?
CCrow
Ah, that gooey LA sky.
MikeBirds? Nope. All dead.
[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]
SSam
Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
CCrow
"Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
MAMike [as Sam]
Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
SAServo [as Sam]
My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
CACrow [as Sam]
My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours--
MSMike, Servo
Ugh-- Crow!
. . .
[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]
MAMike [as Sam]
Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
CCrow
You said I was bad.
MikeYou inspired me.
[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]
MikeOh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
CCrow
Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts
Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.
. . .
[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]
MAMike [as Adam]
Solid balsawood, baby!
. . .
[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]
AAdam
This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
MikeThe judo range?
. . .
SAServo [as Adam]
Meet me at the karate rink later.
. . .
[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]
AAdam
Judo range!
CACrow [as Adam]
Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.
MAMike [as Student]
Gotta get into my judo bikini.
AAdam
You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
CCrow
And hula hoops and dungarees?
AAdam
Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!
MAMike [as Dr. Stefanik]
I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.
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