A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]
Whaddya know -- we aren't at war with Eurasia!
. . .
[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]
Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
. . .
Black helicopter… Roswell… Area 51… Waco… formula for Coca-Cola…
[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]
MikeHooray for the '70s!
Shaun Cassidy for President!
We want Billy Beer!
Oh, I don't think this is headed toward a happy ending.
MikeY'know, at this point any ending would make me happier than I've ever been.
[As the show opens, the Bots are doing walkathons.]
MikeUh, what about you, Servo?
Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
MikeOh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".
[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]
MikeThe shroud of David Schwimmer.
. . .
Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
He's turning into a brisket.
It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
. . .
He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
. . .
Tom Petty in the morning.
. . .
You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]
MikeAh, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.
[On the music in the opening credits]
The organ has emphysema.
. . .
MikeCome hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
[singing to the "Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle] If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
MikeThe music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute.
[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]
The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold--it makes you feel... depressed.
MikeGoofus and Gallant, the movie.
[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
MikeHair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]
First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…
Schick out of shape!
Now, everybody--shave!
[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
MikeYou know, the 14-year-old boys who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point.
Yep.
The "Feliz Navidad" dancers.
. . .
Now, were these dance numbers supposed to be provocative or merely boring?
MikeWell, provocative in their boringness?
. . .
MikeHair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
There's something Laverne & Shirley-esque about this.
. . .
Riverdance: The strip show!
MikeAh, halftime at the Orange Bowl. Never fails to disappoint.
. . .
MikeSo how is this a tribute to Madeline Albright?
[as Carmelita performs]
Joel Grey, ladies and gentlemen.
Isn't that the guy Danny Bonaduce beat up?
MikeWatch as she walks around.
You know, Noam Chomsky should pick better warm-up acts.
[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]
Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
And you are…?
Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
[beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]
Oh, the world's thrown into chaos -- earthquakes, floods -- but that's fine; you knit your sock.
. . .
Some day you'll return the favor...
[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]
MikeFrodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
. . .
If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!
[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
Nope! Not a princess.
She's got that healthy clown glow.
Oh, no?
You are a queen!
MikeIn that you look like Freddie Mercury.
[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]
Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
Are you afraid?
Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
...the flat part, anyway.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
