[as the teens find themselves back by their wrecked car after being chased out of town]
FFred
Well, we got a long, long, long walk.
OVOffscreen voice
Uh, beg your pardon. Are you people coming from Hainesville?
CACrow [as the voice]
Uh, you can call me Ray, or you can call me Ray.
FFred
Yes, we're coming from Hainesville.
OVOffscreen voice
Is that the place where they have the Goo?
FFred
Yes, that's the place where they have the Goo.
OVOffscreen voice
Thank you so much.
[a line of short people is seen walking by the teens towards Hainesville]
Ha. One last offensive thing to leave you with, folks.
MikeThe shamed cast of Terror of Tiny Town meets the shamed cast of Village of the Giants.
[the ending title card appears]
Ah, so... that's it?! Wasn't much of a payoff! We waited all this time for THAT?! [the ending credits begin to play with the all-too-familiar footage of the giant teens dancing] NO!!!
MCMike, Crow, and Servo
No, no, no!
Mike
Coming back to this is like getting your face smashed into a giant turkey.
Or maybe this is what it would feel like if you had rubber bands around your eyeballs.
No, it's like wearing William Conrad's underpants with a balaclava!
[the crew gags]
Mike
It's like a lingering kiss with your bearded aunt!
It's like waking up, rolling over, and seeing Jim Varney! AHHH!!! [runs out of the theater]
It's like being trapped inside your own gym bag!
Mike
It's like being trapped inside Jim Begg!
[In her dream, the woman emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]
Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!
[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]
Mike
This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.
Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down.
[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]
. . .
Mike
I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.
[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]
NANarrator [as Announcer]
And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
CACrow [as Announcer]
Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
WWoman
Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
SCServo, Crow [as Crowd]
Give us Cyd Charisse!
While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
SAServo [as Announcer]
Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
MAMike [as Announcer]
Co-starring Tom Bosley.
CACrow [as Announcer]
As Bosley.
[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]
SAServo [as Announcer]
With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
. . .
SAServo [as Announcer]
With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
. . .
MAMike [as Narrator]
Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
. . .
The "Closed Three Plants" car.
Mike
Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
The Schick electric razor car!
. . .
Costume by Emilio of Capri!
MAMike [as Narrator]
Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!
SAServo [as Announcer]
...in The Honeymooners!
[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]
CACrow [as the cars "expression"]
GRRR! RRRRrrrR!
. . .
MAMike [as Narrator]
Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.
[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. Throughout the ride, the gang makes noises like "The Jetsons".]
MAMike [as Mystery Man]
Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.
[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]
WWoman
[singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...
[singing, a la Elmer Fudd] With my sword and magic helmet...
. . .
MAMike [as Mystery Man]
That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
. . .
Automatic freeway. You build it.
. . .
Mike
Someone invent rock and roll, please!
. . .
Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
. . .
Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.
[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]
SGSecretary General
At this moment...
CACrow [as Secretary General]
I may die!
SGSecretary General
... over two billion people...
SAServo [as Secretary General]
... have been served.
SGSecretary General
… in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
MAMike [as Secretary General]
... and my rump.
SGSecretary General
Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
SAServo [as Secretary General]
... dolphin-safe!
SGSecretary General
... international territory.
CACrow [as Secretary General]
... and House of Pancakes.
. . .
SGSecretary General
God be with you.
Mike
You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind.
Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame?
Mike
Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game?
Which begs the question of free will. What about free will?
Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?
Mike
Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?
You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow?
Mike
Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order--
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.
Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay.
Really?... FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD! I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!
Mike
Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy?
[wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup] Ah, would you like some soup?
Mike
Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- [realizes it's Crow] Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! [Crow leaves quickly] All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be?
Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts?
So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?
Mike
Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.
[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax] Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.
Mike
We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! [Takes the cloth off of Servo]
Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?
Should we listen? We're shunning him.
Mike
No, we should listen.
Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.
: If it pleases the court?
Mike
[hammering with a gavel] It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! [lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]
: As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.
You know, it's really true.
Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.
Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? [Mike hushes her up]
If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--
[getting agitated] He copied my whole paper--
...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.
Can we just kill him now??
Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--
HE STOLE MY FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!
DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN!
And I forgive myself. Thank you. [lights come up] I await your verdict.
Mike
Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.
Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.
Mike
The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! [Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.[The 'Bots cheer.]
I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
