A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]
So, Mike, where's the atomic brain?
MikeI don't know...
[The short starts with cars driving into a cemetery]
Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party!
Save some for me!
[A pink car can be seen]
Oh, look, the Pepto-Bismol car.
MikeNever let this happen to you. Don't make the mistake these people made. Don't die.
Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami.
Mike[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich] AAAHHHHH!!!
Why don't they look?
Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy!
Mike[sticks lint into his eye] AAHHHHH!!!!
Why don't they-- [Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again] Why don't they look?
Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until...
Mike[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face] AHHHHH!!!
Why don't they--
Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! [wanders off, muttering]
MikeWow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he?
[Nuveena is suddenly seen in the showroom floor wearing an apron over her dress.]
Better get her into the kitchen quick!
Tater tots are burning!
Any more girls in there?
[Mike and Crow laughs like Beavis and Butthead]
[On the Firebird II]
The "Extention Of My Manhood" car!
MikeYour deal with the devil is now complete.
. . .
Do you have it in red?
That's a six week delivery, ma'am.
[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
I'm just a lonely boy…
MikeWhy does that not surprise me?
[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]
Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
MikeEspecially since he's thirty-eight!
[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]
[screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a moral! [resumes screaming]
. . .
[Chip hits the ground and dies.]
Uh... call me?
. . .
[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]
Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip?
Down here! I got a crick in my neck!
. . .
Chip, come on! Say something, Chip!
"Wuh-aughhh!"
. . .
[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]
Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well!
[A rumble breaks out. Big band music plays throughout.]
Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown!
. . .
[A girl tries to break up a fight by putting a bucket on one boy's head]
You make sun go away. You are powerful.
. . .
[Silver hits Chip with a pie.]
Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen.
. . .
[Two girls fight on the dock with oars.]
MikeAnd down goes Blaze!
. . .
MikeThis is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney.
. . .
[A police car can be seen.]
Nobody called us about the party. Over.
Maybe it's time you level with me.
You know how we're both hot?
Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up?
He died.
Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you...
And then he died.
... and he asked me to go in his place.
And then I killed him and he died.
He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went.
And I killed him and he got all dead!
Oh, great.
It was fun at first when he only kissed me...
He wasn't dead then.
But then he...
...died.
... he started...
... being killed by me...
... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground...
Right before he got dead.
And then...
He died.
Rocks slipped out from under his feet...
And then he became killed.
He fell...
And he died.
So that's how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in?
He's not dead!
He saw it happen.
He died.
He thought it was you at first...
And then he died.
...until he saw me again.
And I killed him.
And all the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville!
[sobbing] I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here!
[exaggerated sobbing] I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!!
It's all over the dam...
I just can't believe you went out with Chip!
[Silver begins laughing]
What are you laughing at?
Oh, something in Dilbert. Never mind.
It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh?
Ah, well forget it.
I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana.
And trade me for a chicken.
Tijuana?!
Maybe I can push Herb Alpert over a cliff...
[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]
You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
You...
MikeMe?
...the frozen food distributor.
Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
And you, the food retailer.
These three people will square off against--
Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
MikeOver three kinds of vanilla!
...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
For high people.
[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]
Frozen products are impulse items...
I'll take it, I'll take it!
And impulse buying is primarily...
MikeWomen's fault.
[The stack suddenly drops]
...an emotional decision.
The market crashed!
[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]
Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
Gentlemen! If you please!
You filthy degenerates!
[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]
Yes, on every count...
Guilty!
[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]
This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike...makes no sense.
. . .
(Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
. . .
Mike(singing) And it comes out here...
. . .
WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
