Mike Nelson quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Gary Burghoff goes undercover!

Mike

That would explain his career for the last 10 years.

Open mine, Mike! Open mine!

Mike

Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.

Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.

[singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...

[singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...

Servo

[singing] We are forced to sing...

Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?

Boys and girls from England.

...have rotten teeth.

Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!

Japan also helps Santa.

By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.

Talented children from the Orient.

...are not here today.

Mike

Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.

[singing] Get it on in the morning now!

Even Russia has a delegation.

Currently under surveillance by the CIA.

Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.

The group from France.

Servo

...stinks to high heaven!

Klink, you are a terrible singer!

You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!

How would you like to sing at the Russian front?

Well, my father was a very famous conductor...

Shut up!

Mike

I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?

Here's a happy song from Italy.

Servo

[sings random Italian gibberish]

So is this neorealism?

Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.

Mike

Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.

The islands of the Caribbean.

Mike

...have nothing to do with this movie.

Legalize it, mon!

Mike

[singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...

Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!

The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.

Mike

And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.

Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!

The countries of Central America.

Mike

...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.

Servo

Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.

Hooray!

Mike

Yay! USA! Woo!

The children of the USA.

...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.

A neighborly group of children from Mexico.

...are over-accessorized.

Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!

Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.

That's right, Lupita, put it back.

Way to defeat Satan, honey.

[muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!

Mike

[bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.

This is a fascist Santa!

Mike

Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.

Tom

Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.

Servo

This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!

Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.

He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!

Mike

[scared] What's happening?!

Servo

A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.

This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.

Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!

Servo

[starts performing The Rockford Files theme]

Every word I told the judge was the truth, mama.

Court-appointed parents.

I didn't know what Terry and those boys were gonna do!

You were out with those hoodlums. No decent girl would be seen with them.

Why Jane? You said you were going to the movies. You didn't say anything about being with boys you didn't even know.

You're a slutty gun moll.

Dad, all I did was go out on a date!

Satan's play thing!

I didn't know what I was getting into! She came to work and asked if I wanted to meet a nice boy!

"Nice boy..." a thief.

Mike

Mr. and Mrs. Bridge read her the Riot Act.

... and you'd been drinking!

I wouldn't have been with him if you hadn't picked an argument with me last night!

You sinned, and you'll pay for your crime, Jane.

I'll be there, front row, at your hanging!

Daddy, help me, please!

I'm afraid you're going down, kitten. Hard.

You're my family!

Uh... aren't you?

I don't know how your father will ever face his business friends again.

Well, let's ask him. He's right here.

Servo

Dad?

Mike

This is just like dinner at home.

"Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!

Mike

It could be based on Profiles in Courage!

Servo

Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?

You know, I'm starting to suspect this might be padding.

Servo

Oh, no, no...

Mike

No, that's real.

Mike

I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see Willow.

Hey, I liked Willow!

Mike

Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with Willow.

[indignantly] I liked Willow!

Mike

Kevin Pollak? You liked that?

Spiders don't growl, even that big.

Mike

I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.

[defensively] I liked Willow.

Mike

Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from Bert I.

Servo

That's why he made Willow.

Hey, I liked Willow!

Oh, come on! The effects in Willow were better than this!

Mike

Hey, you liked Willow!

I-- huh?