Scenes with Tom Servo 1,241
[Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice]
[to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief] I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face!
Hey; we were just reading-
[hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him] Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now!
ServoBut we didn't- [gets hit by Mike and starts crying]
I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! [jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces] Now that's a done pop!
Servo
[unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation] Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough!
Turn it off; TURN IT OFF!!!
[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
MAMike [as Joe]
[luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
SAServo [as Joe]
[nervously] I put them in my underwear!
...the bright glare of a welder...
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
...the sharp whine of the power tools…
MAMike [as Joe]
...the piercing scream of a freshman…
...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
Servo
The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
CACrow [as Joe]
[haltingly] These tools are my friends!
Servo
What about girls young man? Girls?
JSJoe's buddy
How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
SAServo [as Joe's buddy]
Could you staple my ears back?
[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] carpenters.
SAServo [as Mr. Barnes]
[woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
. . .
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] foundry men.
[singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
BMr. Barnes
Tool operators.
CSCrow, Servo
[singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
Would you like some coffee?
CACrow [as Joe]
What is this "coffee"?
JMJoe Moss
[stiltedly] I like coffee!
And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
. . .
[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]
SAServo [as Joe]
Where is it, your "coffee"?
[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]
Servo
[giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77!
[Beth looks on as Harry [played by Tony Cardoza] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
MAMike [as Beth]
Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
[off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Servo
Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g-- the plane was--!
[sputters unintelligibly]
Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you...
[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]
Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
SAServo [as Suzy]
I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
MAMike [as Harry]
Uh, you have to ask the editor.
[monotone] No... not tomorrow.
CACrow [as Harry]
I have a headache... tomorrow.
[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]
Servo
Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
. . .
MAMike [as Harry]
Dinner isn't white enough, honey.
[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]
Did he arrive? Man, he's positively frantic!
SAServo [as Judy]
He runs around screaming!
. . .
And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, squishy!
CACrow [as the person on the phone]
Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines.
[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]
AMrs. Adams
There. Nothing to it.
Servo
AND IT'S QUIET, TOO!
[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]
SAServo [as Judy]
[coughs] OH DEAR!
Servo
[laughing] Did I call that?
[Over the closing credits]
Servo
This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd!
And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom.
The Violent Years (movie)
[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]
Refuses to Press Charges!
Servo
Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!
[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]
Servo
Ta-da!
Crow : [horrified] WHOA, WHOA!!! [Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]
Servo
Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man!
[horrified] I FEEL ILL!!! [Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]
Servo
I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head!
Ha ha ha ha... GET HIM! [Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
