Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Oh, what are they doin'?

Servo

I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie.

Oh...

Uh, Tom?

Tom Servo

Huh?

Was it exciting in the movie?

Tom Servo

Nope.

Well, was it funny?

Tom Servo

Nope.

Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh?

Servo

So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?

Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.

Servo

I said Coke.

I know, I'll have a root beer.

Servo

All I have is Coke.

Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.

Servo

Okay. Huh?

Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.

Servo

We are.

And a show?

Servo

No!

Then why did you say we're going to a show?

Servo

Because we are!

What show?

Servo

Awakenings.

That's a movie!

Servo

I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?

Come with what?

Servo

Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!

Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?

Mike

Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.

But Mike, irregardless of that fact...

So what time's dinner?

Servo

Noon okay?

But that's lunch!

Servo

Lunch, dinner, same thing.

Servo

Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.

Ooh, the blinker!

[reacting to the alternate versions' of Frank and Forrester performing "Joey the Lemur"] THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED HAVING MY WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT!

Servo

This is horrible; there are no lemurs in this movie! [flees while he and Gypsy scream in horror]

[being restrained by Mike] I.... ORDER YOUUUU!!! LET ME GOOOO!!! You traitorous pigs! What's going on?! Where's my personal guard?! Ha ha ha, alright Mike, whatever your game is, I'll play it, mister.

Mike

Apparently, some sort of transposition has taken place.

Extremely interesting, Plankton- I have no idea why I said that.

Mike

Anyway, we gotta get him inside the theater. [begins to pull him offscreen]

I'll get his feet.

What is it that will buy you?! Power?! I can get that for you! Money?! Credits?! Name it! NAME IIIT!!!

Let... me... GO! Would you just DIE?! I'll have you killed and then tortured, and then-

Mike

Have a seat! Sit down!

And- I'll- Oh hey, a cowboy movie! Hee hee!

Mike

Right. Sit and watch it.

Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?

Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.

Colonel Hunt speaking.

Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.

Sarah?

Who's this?

Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...

I sell paneling.

I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.

[suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!

Servo

And his face springs into action!

I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.

Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...

Perhaps dinner...

We have a bit in common, you see...

My brother George...

You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?

Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.

Yes, I suppose so.

Servo

[to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?

Mike

I guess...

Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...

Servo

It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!

Mike

Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.

It landed on Pig-Pen!

Mike

"Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...

Servo

It says "Lift Here".

Mike

Oh.

Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!

You were only here for ten minutes!

Servo

So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?

Mike

Um...

Servo

Am I right?

Mike

Yeah. That is correct.

You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you!

Mike

Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres?

Servo

Check.

Uh, cuddling in the afterglow?

Servo

Check.

Mike

Uh, multiple partner allusions?

Servo

Got it.

Uh, premature ejeculation innuendo?

Servo

Yup.

Mike

Gas station jokes.

Servo

Been there.

Impotence.

Servo

Oh yeah.

Mike

Uh, one-night stand stuff?

Mike

[disappointed] Okay, let's just watch then.

Servo

Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock.

Mike

Okay, you're right.

Servo

[singing to the score] Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne!

Mike

I don't know where you end and I begin!

No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold...

Servo

Oh, a junkie joke.

Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was!

Servo

Don Was? The producer?

Why can't a woman be more like a man?

Mike

In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.

The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!

[to Gypsy] We're giving you a shower!

[surprised] Huh!?

Servo

Oh look, she's surprised, isn't that just darling?

[flustered] Well, I'm not getting married and... am I pregnant!?

Oh Gypsy, every woman gets a shower and it's just so lovely!

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm a woman.

Open that one first, Mike, it's from me! Doesn't she look lovely?

Mike

It's... pinking shears!

Oh! Thank you, how very thoughtful, and lovely!

Servo

Oh, those are just darling, Crow! OK, this is from me...

Mike

And it is... pinking shears!

Oh! Oh!

Just like mine! How darling and lovely!

Servo

Well yeah, Gypsy! I saw that Crow got you the same thing, and that gave me the idea! [everyone laughs]

Mike

OK, this one is from Cambot, and it is pinking shears!

Oh! Better get pinking! [Gypsy laughs]

Mike

OK though, Tom and Crow went on one more...

Oh let me guess, let me guess... Pinking shears?

Mike

Nope...

Oh... .

Mike

Oh I guess it is! Pinking shears! [Gypsy laughs]

Well Tom saw them and I had to agree!

Servo

How lovely and darling!