A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Played by Kevin Murphy
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,542 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Crow T. Robot (818), Mike Nelson (393), Joel Robinson (294)
The 5:15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
[to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
[singing]
[Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]
[to Bix] Are you in the right room now?
Servo[as Bix] Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life!
[as Bix] If this room is wrong, I don't wanna be right!
[Carrie lets out a loud scream as she dies in Bix's arms, alarming a young couple in the park]
Oh; Edvard Munch was here!
What was that?
Servo[as man] I don't know- I just arrived in this film.
[the man in the couple runs back to the car after seeing Bix holding the dead Carrie close]
[as man] We drove onto a movie set; let's get out of here.
[Bix tries to convince a mob led by the distraught father of Carrie that he didn't actually kill the girl]
I wouldn't hurt her; I loved her!
You loved her?! [throws a punch to Bix's jaw]
Servo[as Carrie's Father] That's great!
She tied you down; that's what you said- I heard you myself!
[sarcastically] Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis.
[Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]
Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom.
ServoSee, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood!
[aside to Servo] (To) Florida (actually).
Servo...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home.
Now that's a better ending!
[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]
Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
Body Care! And Grooming! They're cops...
[Shot of slovenly girl.]
Look at that hair!
[defensively] I like her hair!
And that blouse!
[lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
[bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Those... n-nose.
. . .
We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]
Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes--
Is immoral.
--is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.
One of these is cleansing cream.
One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.
[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]
And so... the end of a perfect day.
An entire day spent grooming.
. . .
And you...
Jezebel!
...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
And remember--when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.
[As we fade out...]
KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!
You're next!
[A few more names appear]
Servo[sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!
The Painted Hills (movie)
Never mind the dog, Tommy...
Here's the Sex Pistols.
[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]
TomHow did that corral get there?
They used CorelDraw.
[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]]
[As the criminals start moving.]] Ah, cue the horses!
[Under his breath]] Corman...
Servo[As the criminals stop] Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?
[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]
You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
ServoOh, they hadn't invented that yet.
Only the good die young.
ServoMost of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.