Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Oh, Carl.

Uh, Cal.

... oh, Cal.

Home...

Thank God it's still here.

And Friday!

Mike

Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!

Servo

Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!

Now, we've never met before, have we?

Mike

All rights are reserved, Callahan!

Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?

Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going?

Servo

Chickens are shipped to the set of Oklahoma!

I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. [clucks]

[catching Jimmy listening to the radio] Jimmy!

Good morning, Mr. Haskins.

Leave that radio alone. Sweep up the place. You're getting paid to work, not entertain yourself!

Okay... Hey, that Creeper guy murdered somebody again last night.

Oh, murders, detectives, gangsters... that's all you think about! Get the broom.

I think about sex, too!

"Eat me, you hateful old fossil. Signed, Jimmy-" HEY!

[holding the grocery list] Where'd this come from?

Somebody stuck it under the door.

[annoyed] Uhh...

I hate customers!

Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door?

No!

Go to hell!

And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it!

Piss off! [Mike is starting to laugh out of character]

Somebody's probably too busy to pick up the stuff.

Could be the Creeper.

[packing a grocery bag in agitation] Creeper, Creeper, Creeper! You give ME the creeps!

Servo

Zinga!

Well he could be! That'd be a swell reason why he wouldn't want to see anybody, or come out, except at night.

You just gotta deliver these groceries. And don't forget the money. A dollar and a quarter.

Why'd you hire me if you hate me so...?

Okay... but I still think it might be-

I know! So he's the Creeper. Now you just creep along with that- [stomps his foot down; Mike is starting to laugh uncontrollably] I MEAN HURRY UP WITH THAT STUFF!!! And then get back here and do the rest of your work!

Dear GOD, I HATE YOU!!! I hope you DIE!!!

[from behind a door] How much?

A dollar and a quarter.

Here's a toenail.

They should get kids going on these things!

[inhales] Aw man, I should have bought at least eight more cartons!

[inhales] Man, I just love these things!

[inhales] Ah, I love cigs. I gotta get a carton of these for my pregnant wife.

What I love, really, is that they're so good for you. [inhales]

Good evening, Mr Scott.

Hello. I'm sorry you have to stay out here.

That's alright, sir, it's my job. Goodnight.

By the way, you mind if I smoke out here?

[trying to get into the house] Mr. Scott?! Mr. Scott?!

Do you have a cigarette?!

When we are alone, I will speak.

Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Um... hakuna matata?

Servo

I see -- it's a three room Japanese apartment.

It's a Rorschach test.

Mike

I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns.

Servo

That means you're a sexual predator.

I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey.

I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try?

Nah, let's go get a burger.

No I- I don't.

I left you some gum in the car...

I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs.

There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked.

[defensive] Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... [Sally walks away]

This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car!

This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable.

Mike

It's a fabulous funny freak-out.

But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over...

You'll feel dirty.

You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told.

Servo

It's a story botched.

It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye.

Mike

Peanut nostrils happy clams.

We'll make camp here!

Then we'll dig our graves over there!

I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...

I'm not gay!

[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth] I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced.

Tom Servo

[mournfully] Yes; the Earth has been destroyed.

Mike

[as Movie Sign blares] No, even worse than that; we've got Movie Sign!