A character in Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 1,660 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (818), Mike Nelson (376), Joel Robinson (271)
[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]
Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!
[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Huh.
Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Oh wow.
[watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
OK. Umm, ah, look, hey--Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Uhh--
[disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Being There, two stars.
Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Oh. Good.
Lemme see here...
[reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
[still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
[leaning in] What else you got?
Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Hm?
Shame, isn't it.
Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
[incredulous] What?!
I'm kidding.
Oh.
I hope so.
According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
[dismissive] D'oh...
Broadcast News, Witness, three stars--barely superior to Laserblast.
Mm-hm.
Same for Diner.
Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go--this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Well, that's possible...
And the same caliber as Last Crusade--two-and-a-half stars.
Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
[unbelieving] Where?
[incredulous] What?
No, I'm kidding.
Oh, you... You... jeez...
So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy--no better than Laserblast.
Here's where it gets hard--Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.
Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter--no better than Laserblast.
[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]
[reluctant] No, no--
Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man--on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.
Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.
Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
OK, ah--
Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
Uh, yeah...
Same as Laserblast--
Two-and-a-half stars.
Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice--
Uh huh.
Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory--
No!
The Great Santini--
Oh, I can't believe that!
All two-and-a-half stars.
Two-and-a-half stars.
The same quality.
Ace by the way.
Yes, Ace.
[as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out]
Woah, I didn't expect this!
Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to [gets sucked towards hole] AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
. . .
Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?
[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]
Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!
. . .
[Servo lands right-side up on the hole]
Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!
. . .
[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]
Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.
Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?
[dejected] Yes...
Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...
You won't...
Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!
[Universal International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth]
It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
Notice how big Japan is?
[during the opening credits]
Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
Hey, there's Taurus the bull!
And over there's the Constellation Feces.
Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.
When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...
[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]
...oh.
[as golf announcer] It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.
Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!
[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Lowering the cylinder.
Inserting the breakfast pastry.
[darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
Contact Dr. Jemima!
God, I love the blueberry ones best.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Increase the rate of reaction.
Start warming the syrup!
Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Check rate of radioactive decay.
Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]
Fries are up!
Here's something my wife could use around the house.
A man?
This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal.
No, sir. That's paper!
There are 2,486 parts.
[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]
Uh, 485, sir!
[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]
Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.
No, farther towards the killzone, please!
Yeah, God I'm good!
[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor]
Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!
[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up]
Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!
[The Interocetor is now ablaze]
Quick, get the baking soda!
Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!
[imitates knocking noise] Are you boys cooking up there?!
No!
Are you building an Interocetor?!
[casually] No!
[Brack enters the scene]
Hey, Charlie Rich!
He goes through a lot of Brylcreem.
[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]
Don't mention his head.
That's enough. Normal view.
[singing in time with the dramatic music] Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!
[to the Mutant] Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK!
ACTING!
Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...
[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain]
Tom ServoKevin Murphy · 1,542 quotes
Mike NelsonMichael J. Nelson · 824 quotes
Joel RobinsonJoel Hodgson · 542 quotes
NNarrator224 quotes
JJonah171 quotes
GGypsy75 quotes
EEmily69 quotes
CFDr. Clayton Forrester57 quotes
PFPearl Forrester26 quotes
MMax22 quotes
KFKinga Forrester21 quotes
JPJack Perkins20 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.