For every action...
MAMike [as Narrator]
There is a Jackson.
“The Deadly Mantis” · Season 8
In this episode: Tom Servo (6), Crow T. Robot (5), Mike Nelson (5), Narrator (2)
[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]
Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
SAServo [as Narrator]
Canada, our mortal enemy.
... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
MAMike [as Narrator]
The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.
[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]
You know what? Screw you Greenland!
[A volcano erupts.]
SAServo [as the Menard's Guy]
It's a magma flow of savings at Menard's!
[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]
Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.
[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]
CCrow
Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.
[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]
GFGeneral Ford
I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
CACrow [as Ford]
I'm not gay!
CACrow [as Col. Parkman]
But I've got a mantis in my pantis.
Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy?
CCrow
[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth] I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced.
[mournfully] Yes; the Earth has been destroyed.
[as Movie Sign blares] No, even worse than that; we've got Movie Sign!
[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford?
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
General Tennessee Ernie Ford?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
... Yes.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Well, try lancing it.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over.
MAMike [as Dr. Jackson]
General wants another foot massage.
MBMarge Blaine
Everything alright?
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Of course.
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
They just demoted me to the gift shop.
MBMarge Blaine
Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you.
CACrow [as Dr. Jackson]
It is so!
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Very nosey.
MBMarge Blaine
Okay, be mysterious.
MAMike [as Marge]
I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret?
MBMarge Blaine
Hope to die.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
They found an old bone up at the north pole.
CCrow
[as Marge says nothing] Mrs. Bert Lahr.
NJDr. Nedrick Jackson
The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. [leaves]
SAServo [as Dr. Jackson]
Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.