Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford?

General Tennessee Ernie Ford?

... Yes.

Well, try lancing it.

I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over.

General wants another foot massage.

Everything alright?

Of course.

They just demoted me to the gift shop.

Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you.

It is so!

Very nosey.

Okay, be mysterious.

I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you.

Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret?

Hope to die.

They found an old bone up at the north pole.

[as Marge says nothing] Mrs. Bert Lahr.

The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. [leaves]

Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye!

Servo

The Strom Thurmond Story!

Mike

Couldn't die or wouldn't die?

Shouldn't?

What's that?

Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.

The whole movie was leading up to this shot.

Brought to you by the Breast Council.

Buy breasts where you work or bank!

We breathe as one. We are one.

You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

When I touch you…

I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.

…we will be one.

We'll be me, for convenience' sake.

Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…

Route 666!

…that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.

…to sleeping audience.

Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.

Servo

[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!

[as Smolkin] And would thoust get me a Mad Magazine?

Servo

[as Smolkin] I have to watch Mad About You tonight!

Now there's an interesting sample!

Now there's an interesting line read!

What is it?

Don't know yet.

Servo

Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.

Now what's going on?

Who's that other guy?

Where are we going?

What is this fluid under my feet?

What happened to the day-ball?

Let's chip in and buy this movie a life.

Mike

Hey! They whacked Toonces!

Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.

Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?

Genocide?

Slavery?

Diseased blanket spreading?

Is there a good movie in town?

Mike

[snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?

Heh heh heh!

Oh.

I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.

Mike

Please! That's a hideous thought.

Servo

This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in The Age of Innocence!

Or was it Sense and Sensibility?

Mike

I think it was Barfly.

Yeah, that's it.

My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?

What year is it, Andrea?

[singing] The year of the cat.

1618, the Year of Our Lord.

In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.

Who is the reigning monarch?

James Stuart.

Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!