[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
Lt. DisherYou should have just kept it all in your basement.
DMDaniel MacGraw
It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
DMDaniel MacGraw
[Sarcastically] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.
Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.
Lt. Disher
[Shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.
[Visiting a refugee center, Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher find Leyla Zlatavich]
Lt. Disher
Yeah, like the Mona Lisa. Only hotter.
Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.
Lt. Disher
[About Monk] Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
Lt. Disher
Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
[Ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...
Lt. Disher
Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Lt. Disher
Decaffinated coffee...
The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Lt. Disher
Egg whites.
Lt. Disher
Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are driving to Douglas Thurman's studio to execute a raid]
Lt. Disher
Do you, uh, have the warrant?
What? You've gotta be kidding! You just had it in your hand! Where is it? [Randy opens the glovebox, and the arrest warrant is behind one of Randy's CDs]
Lt. Disher
Found it. It was right behind this CD. [Shows it for the cameraman] I-I'm in a band; the Randy Disher Project; we do a sort of a jazz-fusion-punk, kind of a rap, kind of a folk-
Randy, just give him the damn CD!
Lt. Disher
You guys like music? You're gonna love this. [Randy takes the CD out of the case, and notices something] Whoa. Is that a scratch? You know what, I should probably put it in to see if it works. [He inserts the CD into the car's player, and his song "I Don't Need a Badge" begins to play, much to Stottlemeyer's annoyance, then a SWAT team, all of them armed with Heckler & Koch MP5A3 submachine gun - along with Stottlemeyer and Disher (both of them wearing Kevlar vests and carrying their own weapons) standing outside the photo studio's front door]
Doug Thurman! SFPD! [The first officer breaches the door with a battering ram, and the SWATs enter their room with their guns drawn]
FSFirst SWAT Officer
Clear! [They then storm next room] Clear!
[In the main room of the studio, they find an eerie shrine to Cassandre Rank, Barbara McFarland, and Miranda Terhume, Thurman's three victims. Novak's camera zooms in to show that each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo]
Lt. Disher
Captain! [Stottlemeyer comes in]
Is that lipstick? That's good enough.
Lt. Disher
I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
FSFirst SWAT Officer
The what?
Lt. Disher
Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [Leaves the room]
[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
Lt. Disher
[To Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
Lt. Disher
No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a head shot of the victim]
Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
Lt. Disher
"Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
Lt. Disher
If you can name them, you can catch them.
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar... [Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge]
Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
[Getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
Lt. Disher
We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
[Confused] What do we win?
Lt. Disher
You don't win anything.
[Waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house, Disher passes out pieces of gum]
What is this? [Turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Lt. Disher
Yeah, I made it myself.
Lt. Disher
Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
Lt. Disher
No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station to talk to Randy about the Willie T. murder]
Maybe the Captain saw something... [Randy turns around, and they see that he has grown a mustache] ...unusual. What is that?
Lt. Disher
What?
On your face! On your lip!
It looks a little bit like a mustache.
Lt. Disher
Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
You're making me a little uncomfortable!
[Promising Berry that she'll find his bike] Mr. Monk here is probably the best detective on Earth.
DBProfessor Dean Berry
He is?
Yes sir, and I know lots of other detectives. [Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher enter the lab, along with several uniformed cops]
San Francisco Police Department. What's going on?
Lt. Disher
You said it was an emergency.
[To Stottlemeyer] Somebody stole his bike.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher interrogate John Kuramoto's cousin about his whereabouts]
Lt. Disher
You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.
VKVince Kuramoto
Hey, man. I'm just crashing at his place for a few days. He's my cousin. Do you know where all your cousins are?
Lt. Disher
Where do you think he is, Vince?
VKVince Kuramoto
[Loudly and clearly into the microphone, emphasizing every word] I. Don't. Know. [Hits the tape recorder's microphone with his hand. Stottlemeyer casually puts it back upright]
Ah. Tough guy, ehh? [Produces an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet] Look at this. See that? That's a bullet! That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight!
Lt. Disher
That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
VKVince Kuramoto
Former what?
Lt. Disher
Former cop shooter.
VKVince Kuramoto
You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lt. Disher
No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.
VKVince Kuramoto
Why didn't you say that?
Lt. Disher
I did, it's the same thing.
VKVince Kuramoto
It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close-
Oh for God's sakes!! What are you two, married or what?! Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you're not telling us, [Points an accusing finger at Vince] that makes you an accessory after the fact.
Lt. Disher
For aiding and abetting!
For attempted murder, which is a very very VERY long "goodbye"!! Let me put it this way: your parole officer? He hasn't been born yet.
[Monk surveys the jewelry store robbed by John Keyes the night before]
The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.
Lt. Disher
[Writes in his notepad] "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?
His name isn't Ergo, Randy.
[Randy has noticed that Togo the Egg-Eating Robot is missing]
Lt. Disher
I come here every year on my birthday. Sorta like a family tradition.
When you were a kid. [Randy glares] You meant when you were a kid. Say "yes," Randy.
Lt. Disher
Yes.
Monk · 667 quotes
