“Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike” quotes from Monk

Monk

Ugh, Natalie. What am I gonna do? The whole city reeks.

Natalie

I'm starting to get used to it.

Monk

You are? Really? Then you're gonna love Hell.

Monk

Listen. Listen. It's a truck. That sounds like a garbage truck, right?

Natalie

Mr. Monk, it's not a garbage truck.

Monk

They've settled the strike. It's all over! T-turn on the news. Uh. False alarm. It's a...bus.

[On TV] All we want-- All we've ever wanted is a fair contract for ourselves and for our families. This union is willing to stay out for as long as it takes. Two weeks! Two months! We will never back down! We will never surrender! It's all his fault.

Monk

[Mocking] Jimmy Cusack. Hate that guy. Wish he was dead.

Natalie

Don't say that.

Monk

I do. I wish he was dead.

Natalie

What if something happened to him? You'd feel terrible.

Monk

No, I wouldn't.

Natalie

Yeah, you would.

Monk

No. I wouldn't.

Natalie

Yeah, you would.

Natalie

Where's your garbage? [Coughs] Did you just mail your garbage to somebody? These are desperate times, Natalie. [Whispers] Desperate times.

Natalie

What? [TV announces death of Jimmy] Are you happy?

Monk

No.

Natalie

Got your wish.

Monk

Wha--? No. Y-you think I did this?

Natalie

Yeah. I think you did. With your karma! You said you wanted the guy dead.

Monk

I was joking. It's a figure of speech.

Natalie

Well, Mr. Monk, you need to be careful what you wish for. Look. [Points to TV] Because of his death, the union has stopped all negotiations. Nobody's talking. The strike's gonna go on for years. Good job.

Monk

Yes, sir, it just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city, every man, woman, and child.

Evacuate?

Monk

Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth.

Uhh....

Monk

Then, just to be safe, we collect all the ashes and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back and start over. Think of it, we rebuild San Francisco... from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean. Everything brand new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot, we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we’re at it.

Lt. Disher

He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You could say that. But don't.

Monk

I got it all figured out. When this truck's full I'll drive it into the bay. Then come back, get another truck, and keep driving them into the bay. One bag at a time, one truck at a time. One bag at a time, one truck at a time.

Monk

Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?

How many do you need?

Monk

Oh, about...a trillion.

Monk

It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We live 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed. Smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash. Piling up outside, higher and higher...until we couldn't leave the house. [Chokes] We were buried alive. [A bag is tossed] And now it's coming true. [Dr. Kroger does not reply] Dr. Kroger? [After a pause]

Dr. Charles Kroger

Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?

Monk

[Laughs in disbelief] No.

Dr. Charles Kroger

See...I've been getting boxes of trash, sent to me in the mail.

Monk

Really?

Dr. Charles Kroger

Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't try to deny it. It's all sorted by color and food groups. It’s your handwriting on the label. It’s upsetting my wife, it’s upsetting my children, and I want it to stop!