“Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing” quotes from Monk

Monk

Hey, hey, Karl with a "K."

Karl

Hey, Mr. Monk.

Oh, hell, he's back.

Monk

Hey, Chucky. You missed a spot. [Comes up to the table] Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?

You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.

Monk

Yes, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right?

House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.

Monk

Captain, I was here first.

Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away! Don't you think that should take a priority right now?

Monk

Uhhhh...

Don't you?

Monk

I don't know.

Let's go! [The engine starts to drive away]

Monk

OK, but I haven't got all day!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

So, how’s it look, Doc?

Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Which means what, exactly?

It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Natalie

[Stroking Monk's shoulder] Shh... it’s okay, Mr. Monk. [To Dr. Jackman] [[[w:Fear of the dark|He’s afraid of the dark]].

Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]

Lt. Disher

Monk?

Monk

Huh?

Lt. Disher

It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face and squats] Now I’m squatting. I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need... [Turns to Stottlemeyer] I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Sternly] Randy...

Lt. Disher

So from the 11th to the 13th...

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy! I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.

Monk

Is it straight?

Natalie

It’s perfect.

Monk

I’ll never see her face again.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, don’t say that!

Monk

Am I crying?

Natalie

No.

Monk

Huh, it feels like I’m crying. It feels like I’m crying all the time. [Walks over to the couch and sits down] Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.

Natalie

I am not going anywhere! Look at me! [Stops and regains control] Your life is not over! You could still do anything! There’ve been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.

Monk

Like who?

Natalie

Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know…

Monk

Yeah?

Natalie

You know…uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh... Mr. Magoo.

Monk

Who’s that?

Natalie

Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.

Monk

Really?

Natalie

An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.

Monk

And he was blind?

Natalie

I don’t wanna talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.

Monk

Me neither.

Natalie

What's so important, Randy?

Lt. Disher

I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.

Natalie

Who is he?

Lt. Disher

A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?

Monk

Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.

Natalie

But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.

Monk

Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.

Natalie

So you found the guy?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.

Natalie

Did his shoes squeak?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.

Monk

[Following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.

I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?

Natalie

Yeah, it is.

Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.

Natalie

Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful!

Monk

Hope. I hate hope’s guts!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, what happened to all your confidence?

Monk

I don’t know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I’m so pathetic! I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…

Lt. Disher

Five-sixteenths of a man.

Monk

Thank you, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.