Natalie Teeger quotes from Monk

Miss Teeger, what are you doing?

Julie Teeger

Turning.

I could've sworn we just passed a stop sign. I guess I must be imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]

Julie Teeger

Sorry. I didn't see it.

I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly... on top of that big post. [Pause] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first step?

Julie Teeger

Pray. [Carlson glares at her] I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, that was a joke.

You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. [Julie starts to pull into the street to make a three point turn] Hold on. [Julie stops] What are you forgetting? [Pause] Your blinker.

Julie Teeger

Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.

Julie Teeger

Okay, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of the cruiser]

Natalie

Julie! Julie, thank god!

Julie Teeger

Mom? [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie in the back of the cruiser] What's going on?

Natalie

You have to come with us right now!

Julie Teeger

Oh my God! It was just a blinker!

Natalie

Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?

Monk

Outside.

Natalie

Well, what if it rains?

Monk

Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.

Natalie

[Notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!

Monk

I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!

Natalie

Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.

Monk

Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.

Natalie

No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.

Monk

Un-Googleable! End of discussion.

Lt. Disher

[Accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.

What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?

Lt. Disher

Sorry.

You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.

Natalie

It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?

I know. I can tell. Look. [Picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!

Lt. Disher

$40 bucks. No way.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[To Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?

Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [Back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.

Lt. Disher

I'm not paying for it!

Monk

What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?

I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.

Monk

He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.

Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.

Monk

The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?

I don't know. An eclectic spree?

Natalie

Do you have any enemies?

None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [Points at Randy accusingly, then makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy, give him five bucks.

Lt. Disher

Fine. [Takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]

Monk

I wonder what happened to his partner.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What partner?

Monk

It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[To Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Randy starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike! [Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him].

Lt. Disher

Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]

Natalie

Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!

Lt. Disher

[Holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.

Natalie

Exhibit A?!

Lt. Disher

Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!

Natalie

You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.

Natalie

Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!

Lt. Disher

[Grabs Natalie, and turns to the other cops] Grab that painting!

Natalie

[Shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!

Natalie

[Makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.

Lt. Disher

[Notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?

Natalie

That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [Puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.

Natalie

Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [Takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.

Monk

Oh no. I can't wear that.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.

Monk

No, it's all dusty.

Natalie

You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!

Monk

Okay. [He prepares to put on the uniform]

Natalie

[Gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.

Monk

Is this all you had?

Natalie

It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...

Monk

Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]

Natalie

Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.

Monk

Natalie, thank you.

Was he a professor?

Natalie

No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.

Like the Car Wash guy.

Natalie

What "Car Wash guy"?

That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [Stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. Solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [Pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. Boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]

Natalie

Can I see that? [She looks at the article] There's no picture.

I guess he's modest, too.

Natalie

[Reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [Puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!

Natalie

It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god! [Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]

Natalie

Why didn't you tell me?!?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Natalie...! (x4) [She calms down, but still glares hatefully at him] I am so sorry.

Natalie

You're sorry?!?! But how?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [Glances at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?

Natalie

That's his name!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Well that's just stupid!

Natalie

What's he doing in Nevada?!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!

Natalie

He's all alone?!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie!

Natalie

Randy doesn't know?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

No. I'm trying to protect him.

Natalie

From what?!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins: Rollins is working for somebody, may-maybe somebody in the Governor's office!

Natalie

Oh my God!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it! I just need a little more time!

Natalie

I have to see him. [She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.

Natalie

I promise. [Cuts to Natalie hurriedly packing a suitcase]

Monk

[Trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [She takes out a wipe and runs toward him]

Monk

What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?

Natalie

[Hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down] Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?

Monk

To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.

Natalie

Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...? [Rollins suddenly appears from behind Natalie]

Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.

Natalie

You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!

Monk

[Dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.

Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [To Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.

What was that?

Monk

It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.

Natalie

I can't believe you bought a house without telling me!

Monk

You would've said no.

Natalie

Let's see what Dr. Bell has to say.

Monk

Why should I care what this clown thinks?

Natalie

He's a therapist! He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.

Monk

[Glances at the analogue clock, which reads 10:59 AM] One minute now. If he's late, we're leaving.

Natalie

[Spotting the doctor's certificate on the wall] Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-E-V-E-N! It's a palindrome! That's a good sign!

Monk

It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.

Natalie

Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.

Monk

It was to me!

Dr. Neven Bell

Mr. Monk. [Shakes hands with Monk] Neven Bell. I've been looking forward to this. [After releasing Monk's hand, Dr. Bell produces a wipe from a package of Wet Ones] Wipe. [Monk turns to Natalie, who gives a thumbs up. Cuts to Monk sitting in Dr. Bell's office]

Dr. Neven Bell

Why haven't you been sleeping?

Monk

Heh, no big mystery. There's this girl across the street who plays the same song. [Imitates a section of Prelude in A Major] It doesn't matter, I'm out of there; I just bought a house.

Dr. Neven Bell

Well congratulations. So when did it start, the piano playing?

Monk

I don't know. About a year ago.

Dr. Neven Bell

Hmm, but it's only been bothering you for what, five weeks?

Monk

How did you know that?

Dr. Neven Bell

Well the girl's been practicing for over a year, and it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.

Monk

No. No. No. No. No. [He continues saying "no" as Dr. Bell speaks]

Dr. Neven Bell

The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin; he played in his waiting room all the time. Maybe the music is reminding you of-of your friend, and it's been affecting you.

Adrian Monk

And.... here is another bathroom; for a total of [flicks on the light switch] two bathrooms. That is a claw-footed bathtub, which is something I've always wanted.

Natalie

[Laughs] It is?

Monk

Yeah. I just didn't know it. [Natalie runs her hand along the wall as they walk back towards the foyer]

Natalie

Oh, I love all the woodwork!

Monk

Hey, don't touch that.

Natalie

What, wet paint?

Monk

No, just don't touch it. Another wall, hallway, more walls, another wall, and we're back in the living room.

Natalie

I can't believe it! You actually did it!

Monk

Uh, that's a new rug. Don't just stand on it. You have to keep moving.

Natalie

Moving?

Monk

So it doesn't wear out in one place. [Natalie starts stepping from side to side]

Natalie

Oh, you mean like this?

Monk

Maybe wider circles.

Natalie

Okay I'm just gonna stand over here. [She walks back to the foyer]

Monk

So, "whaddaya" (what do you) think? [Monk sits down in the other room]

Natalie

I like it. I do! I think you're gonna be really hap... You're gonna be...

Monk

Happy!

Natalie

Happy.

Monk

I already am. I should've done this years ago.

Natalie

And you don't miss your old apartment.

Monk

Why should I?

Natalie

Because Trudy was there! And this house is not the same. And you're not a big fan of "not the same".

Monk

Well, maybe I've matured. [Pause, with Natalie glaring at him] I said maybe I've matured.

Natalie

Mr. Monk, I was raised in an older house. There are going to be problems; there always are. And you can't just call the super! You know, you're it! You're-you're responsible!

Monk

That's what I love about it! I have never been responsible for anything. I want to be responsible.

Natalie

You do?

Monk

I want to be part of something. Something real. Something [Pounds a fist into the dining room door frame] permanent. Natalie, I'm.... home. [Natalie laughs and joins him in the dining room]

So, you are a, ah, detective?

Natalie

No, he's the best detective in the world.

Monk

Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?

So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]

Monk

This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.

Who?

Monk

The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up [the stairs] to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.

So you just put that together? Just like that? [Impressed] Fantastic!

Monk

And this. [Pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]

Natalie

It's never been opened. You think she killed him?

Monk

She lied about it. There must be a reason.

Hey Cassie. [Cassie is momentarily startled to see Jake sitting in an armchair, but casts a sigh of relief. She sets her grocery bag down on the floor]

Jake! You scared me to death!

Got your work on the night shift again, huh?

Yeah.

That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack, huh. [Pause; Cassie sets her keys down on the kitchen counter]

How did you get in?

Sliding door. It's broken.

No it's not.

No. It is.

[Nervously] So, how's it going? When am I gonna see my share?

See, buttercup, that's why I'm here: We--we ran into a little, "bump" in the road today. Guess who bought the house? [Pause] Adrian Monk. [Short pause]

I don't know him.

He's on to you, Cassie. [Cassie puts her hands up in a defensive position]

Jake, it wasn't my fault! I didn't wanna kill him! [Jake starts to rise from his chair and pulls an awl from his toolbelt]

I know.

He would've told everybody! I really didn't have a choice!

I know. [He stabs and kills her]

Natalie

You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.

Monk

Can you reach that hammer? [Points to a spare hammer on Jake's toolbelt]

Natalie

I'll try. [She barely manages to stretch as far as she can to grab the hammer, which she hands to Monk]

Monk

Pull. [Still weighed down by the tub, Monk and Natalie crawl down the hall, dragging the tub with them. Monk takes the hammer, and pounds in a protruding nail, accidentally making a very small hole in the wall]

Natalie

Now what?

Monk

Nothing. That nail was driving me crazy. [He and Natalie stop to catch their breaths]

Natalie

Oh God!

Monk

What?

Natalie

[Points] He still hasn't fixed that light!

Monk

Oh my God. [He backs away] Oh my God!

"Oh my God" what? Whaddaya see, hmm? [Monk and Natalie stammer] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see, huh?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is not wooden lattice work] Something there? [He realizes what it is] It's a false wall! There's a reason that light wasn't centered: because this is a false wall! [To Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. Move the furniture! [They move a table]

Jake?

It's in here! Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]

Jake! Jake! Whaddaya wanna do with your share of the money?

Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He shoots and kills Ramone]

Monk

This way.

Natalie

Is he dead? [To Jake] Are you dead?!

Monk

No, he's not dead! He's still breathing. He's gonna wake up any second now.

Natalie

HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!

Monk

[Remembering what Joseph's niece said about the soundproof walls] Forget it, it's no use! Nobody's gonna hear you!

Natalie

Come on!

If you like my work, tell your friends. All about where to mouth my business. And on second thought, I'm gonna retire. [He raises his gun and suddenly Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Drop the gun! On the ground! Let me see your hands!

[Being led out] Good luck.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Holy moly, what happened here?

Monk

I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

Monk

[Writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Te... ger."

Natalie

My four favorite words.

Natalie

Thank you.

Monk

Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]

Natalie

Um, excuse me, where's the rest of this? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.

Monk

I thought you were just hanging out.

Natalie

No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer! That was a work!

Monk

But, you said it was fun. I- I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...

Natalie

You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me?! Is-is that the new rule?!

Monk

Even if I wanted to! I've already torn it out of the checkbook.

Natalie

[Trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one!

Monk

Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...

Natalie

Of course it's up to you!!

Monk

I need you to use your inside voice.

Natalie

What?! Oh my God!! [Screams in frustration] GOD!

Monk

I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track-

Natalie

Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!

I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.

Natalie

Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.

Monk

Can I help you?

My name is Linda Kloster, husband is Patrick Kloster.

Monk

Patrick Kloster? The chess master?

Natalie

Yeah I was just reading about him. He's like some kind of supergenius, like, off the charts.

Yes, well, Patrick has an IQ of 180, four points higher than Albert Einstein's.

Monk

Well what can I do for you?

Well, it's my husband; he's gonna kill someone.

Natalie

How do you know?

He talks about it. He talks about it all the time; he says he has a perfect plan and he's never gonna get caught.

Monk

Did he say who he's going to kill?

Yes. It's me. [Pause] He's gonna kill me.