Captain Leland Stottlemeyer quotes from Monk

Okay, cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.

Okay. I'll just wait here and--

Weep openly.

--do some paperwork.

While you weep openly.

S2 E13 Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Okay, we've got two short hours until this phone call. Are we ready?

PTPhone Technician

Well we're all set, Captain. We've got two tape recorders and we've got the phone company online for an immediate track and trace.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

How long do we need?

PTPhone Technician

Well, if it's a landline, we've got 'em. If it's a cell phone...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Which it will be.

PTPhone Technician

...we'll need 45 seconds.

[Julie Parlo finds Stottlemeyer]

JPJulie Parlo

Excuse me, Captain Stottlemeyer?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yep.

JPJulie Parlo

Hi, I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the FBI? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know that in a kidnapping situation the FBI has jurisprudence.

That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines-

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours. And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction." What kind of lawyer are you?

S2 E13 Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

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[Stottlemeyer prepares to lead a raid on the transportation union's headquarters]

Captain! That was Monk!

[everyone freezes]

He said he solved the case.

Stottlemeyer

He what?

He says it's not a union thing.

Stottlemeyer

...Is he sure?

...He's Monk.

S2 E14 Mr. Monk and the Captain's Wife

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[The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

How long does he have?

WCCaptain Walter Cage

Two, three days. He's being deposed in connection with that federal racketeering case, and they're afraid they're gonna lose him before they get what they need. They're not letting anybody else near him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You gave me your word.

WCCaptain Walter Cage

Come on, I didn't lie to you! If we close the ambassador case...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador! He means less than zero to me, okay? My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him, too! In a way. [silence]

WCCaptain Walter Cage

If we close this case, we can call the press, we can call City Hall, we're gonna have juice. Come on, you know how this works! They won't dare say no to us. Captain, it's not just your best shot. It's your only shot.

S3 E1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan

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Monk

You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

[confused, everyone turns to look]

BBusboy

Me?

What are you doing? He's a busboy!

Monk

Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-

Stottlemeyer

Monk...

Monk

We saw what you did-!

Stottlemeyer

Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

S3 E1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan

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[Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have lost track of Monk after getting out of their cab]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Where is he?

MCMasul the Cabbie

Who?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

The guy in the front seat, where is he?

MCMasul the Cabbie

The nut?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, the nut! Where'd he go?

MCMasul the Cabbie

What is he complaining about? My taxi is very clean! Why is he wiping, wiping, wiping everything?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sir, your taxi is perfect! But where did he go?

MCMasul the Cabbie

Look, I don't care! I never pick him up again! I see him again, I keep driving! I don't care if I lose my license! You tell him, I'll keep driving!

S3 E1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan

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Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because for you every room is a panic room.

Thank you.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.

S3 E2 Mr. Monk and the Panic Room

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[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I hate this.

Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Oh, you can? Since when? [Sharona opens the door]

Hey.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sharona, we need to talk.

About what?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?

It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.

Sharona, where's Darwin?

What are you talking about?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

We're gonna find him. Is he here?

[Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]

Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!

He's killed before.

No he hasn't!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.

[walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.

Roger that.

[puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?

Benjy threw up.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[incredulously] On the wall?

It was pretty awful.

[heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!

[Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

S3 E2 Mr. Monk and the Panic Room

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Capt. Stottlemeyer

Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.

They were gonna kill him!

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Are you going to tell me where he is?

I can't.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Then I have to arrest you. [To Randy] Go ahead.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say...

Oh, Randy, gimme a break!

Damn it, Sharona, you're under arrest. Just turn around.

[As he reluctantly handcuffs her, Benjy comes home from school]

Mom?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Benjy, hey!

What are you doing?

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Uh... your mom bet Randy that she could get out of his handcuffs, and she couldn't. [To Randy] So, take them off... take 'em off.

[Ignoring Stottlemeyer's attempts to cover for her, Sharona walks over to Benjy, still handcuffed]

Benjy, you were right.

About what?

About standing up for that little boy in school. You did the right thing. So now I'm standing up for somebody who can't protect himself.

You mean Darwin?

Yeah. Look, everything's going to be okay, all right? Captain Stottlemeyer's going to take you to Aunt Gail's... [Benjy glances at Stottlemeyer, who nods] ... and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do... after I tell him.

S3 E2 Mr. Monk and the Panic Room

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[Monk and Sharona are talking to Michelle Rivas at the power plant. Michelle hears a noise, looks up, and sees Gene Edelson coming down the ladder]

MRMichelle Rivas

Gene, what are you doing up there?

GEGene Edelson

What am I doing? I am checking the auxillary generator.

MRMichelle Rivas

Well there's a reporter looking for you.

GEGene Edelson

Well you're the company mouth. You talk to them. It's not my job. [spots Monk tapping one of the gauges on an instrument panel] Excuse me! Uh, do you see the sign? [Monk notices the "DO NOT TOUCH" sign over the gauge]

Ah, no problem. I got it. [He straightens it a few centimeters. Michelle chuckles]

MRMichelle Rivas

I've been dying to do that for six months. [Stottlemeyer and Disher return]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hey Monk, we've got the prelim on the explosives. [Monk joins them to examine the remnants of the bomb] We think... four to five pounds of a high density plastique with a magnesium charge. It was detonated with an egg timer.

You mentioned the letters. Is that the letter?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, three pages, taped to the back door outside. [Monk looks over Randy's shoulder to see the note]

Yeah it's a basic environmental laundry list: solar power, fossil fuels, Saudi Arabia, "it's the only planet we have."

[reading] "We are free men... unshacked by your barborous laws." I know that phrase. I've heard that before. "Unshackled." "Barborous laws." [He thinks for a few seconds] Ten years ago, that exact same phrase was in a letter, written by a guy named Winston... No yes, Winston Brenner. Trudy wrote an article about him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I remember that guy. He was a serious radicalist in Boston. He blew up a recruiting station; a couple of soldiers got killed.

Looks like he just came out of retirement.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Let's check him out.

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[Stottlemeyer walks into his office when Disher calls to him]

Captain! [Stottlemeyer walks back out to Randy's desk] Monk was right. And you're right too sir, about Monk being right. Check this out. Good work.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What have you got, Randy?

[hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Winston Brenner. He was an activist in the 90s. He was indicted in a series of bombings in Boston. Pretty angry individual. [grabs evidence bags with two different notes; he holds up the left one first] Here, look at this. This is the note from the power plant. [holds up the one in his right hand] This one is from 11 years ago. He uses a lot of the same phrases: "The blood I shed today."/"The blood I shed today." "The price of absolute freedom."/"The price of absolute freedom." And check this out. [rotates his desk lamp to show the comparison in the writing sample, also shining the light right into Stottlemeyer's face] The handwriting is identical. This is definitely the guy. The only thing is, is that back then, Brenner didn't really care about the environment. Anti-military was his thing.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Did you read the rest of the file, Randy? [Randy produces surveillance photos]

We've got some pictures too. They're blurry, but good.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Read the rest of the file, Randy.

Which part?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

The part here where it says that he died: "Deceased, 1995." Blew himself up before the trial.

He's dead.

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[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a construction site to talk to tree-hugger Alby Drake]

ADAlby Drake

No I'm not being reasonable, I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!

[Monk and Sharona arrive]

Did you call Michelle?

No.

Did you think about it?

No.

Did you think about thinking about it?

Sharona, I'm a married man.

Captain, Lieutenant.

Sharona, Monk.

What's going on?

Tree hugger.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend; they were roommates at MIT.

How long has he been up there?

CFConstruction Foreman

Ten days. He'll be down soon. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

The FBI, in their infinite wisdom, now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, [points a bullhorn up at Drake] that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.

How does he go to the bathroom? [Almost immediately, everyone except for Randy steps back]

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[Monk has a date with Michelle Rivas]

Are you excited?

Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.

"Petrified and full of regret". Welcome to the world of dating.

[They walk around the remains of Alby Drake's tree to meet Stottlemeyer, who climbs over one of the fallen branches to meet them]

Captain!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk. Sharona. I'm sure you've noticed by now that there used to be a big tree standing right over there.

What time?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

4:35 AM. A security guard heard somebody start up the bulldozer. Moments later, ch-ch-ch, "Timber!" Drake was dead on impact.

He made a phone call though at around midnight.

To a payphone, right?

You guessed it: Palo Alto.

Oh, well it had to be to Brenner. He's the guy.

So not only is Winston Brenner alive and well, he's making sure that his old pals don't rat him out.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

That's right. The FBI's calling at Palo Alto tonight. They want to compare notes; synchronize watches.

Ouch, whoa-whoa, I-I can't make it.

He has a date.

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[Randy has given Stottlemeyer an update on an arson fire]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What did the fire marshal have to say?

Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?