Captain Leland Stottlemeyer quotes from Monk

Lt. Randall Disher

Who's Jonathan Davenport?

Natalie Teeger

He's my brother.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

"You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.

Natalie Teeger

Uh, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.

Adrian Monk

[in disbelief] What?

Lt. Randall Disher

This is you?

Natalie Teeger

Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No, he married her.

Lt. Randall Disher

I have my own tux and everything.

Natalie Teeger

Ooh, ooh, what about that B-and-E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Not cute enough to make bail.

Natalie Teeger

Who is he?

So far he's John Doe.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.

Natalie Teeger

Is he the driver?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.

Adrian Monk

Captain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.

How do you know that?

Adrian Monk

The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]

I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.

Natalie Teeger

How is he?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Broken arm, broken leg, probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been much worse.

Natalie Teeger

Can he identify the driver?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

He can't identify me! I'll check back later. [to Monk] What have you got?

Adrian Monk

Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

So what, he was waiting for him?

Adrian Monk

From the tire tracks, he must have peeled out at full speed.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

So he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?

Adrian Monk

[produces an evidence bag] And we found this, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I'll get this down to the lab right away.

Natalie Teeger

Captain, it's not your case.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

By hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]

Natalie Teeger

Captain, what are you doing here?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.

Natalie Teeger

Why?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Because Randy says he thinks he can identify the driver.

Adrian Monk

Did he get a good look at him?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yep. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I'd develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.

Natalie Teeger

You're undercover at my brother's wedding?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile. [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Terry, hey! That's not straight. The left side is too low.

It's good enough.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.

Ah, hell. Okay.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You looking forward to our little party, Alice?

Uh, I guess so. How long do these things usually last?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry - Detective Chasen - was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.

That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Oh yes, you do!

Oh, and this came for you. Someone dropped this off at the front desk. [hands Stottlemeyer the bottle of port]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[reads the card attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer." [opens it] "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply." [turns to Alice] You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.

Lt. Randall Disher

I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?

Lt. Randall Disher

Well, my name's Randy... Disher, and then... Project.

Captain Stottlemeyer

[after Monk gives him an air purifier] Do you um, know what eBay is?

Adrian Monk

eBay? No.

Captain Stottlemeyer

Good.

Captain Stottlemeyer, I'm Sister Heather.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Hi, sister. You know why I'm here, right?

Yes. He's here; he's in the sanctuary. He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yes, ma'am, I do.

You obviously have very strong feelings about this.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You're godda- Yes, I do.

I just want to make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Brad's not his name.

You're right, I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program. He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night. When they're too tired to come here, he brings food to them.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Maybe he has a guilty conscience.

Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days. What do you want, Captain?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

I want justice.

Well, he's afraid that you want something else. He's afraid you and the other policemen want...

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Revenge.

My father once taught me an important lesson: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Your father?

He's your father, too.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a gun and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his S&W gun, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.

Adrian Monk

And they just left the bullet holes?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.

Adrian Monk

Maybe he's home for Christmas.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk, I can't go near the place! The um, the wife filed a complaint against me. Said I had been harassing her.

Adrian Monk

Why would she say that?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Uhhh, probably because I'd been harassing her. [points his finger at Monk] She's never seen you.

Is there any new evidence?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

No. Monk met the killer's mother.

Lt. Randall Disher

She's a shirt inspector.

Natalie Teeger

She swears he's innocent.

I know. That's the toughest part of the job, the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not gonna miss!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Where are you going?

Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you wanna come.

Lt. Randall Disher

Cool, absolutely! I'll be there.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

You're retiring? How old are you?

46.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?

No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I think I need to talk to my accountant.

Natalie Teeger

What, you have an accountant?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Nope. Gonna have to go find an accountant, then I'm gonna talk to him.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

How's it look, Gordo?

Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Were those prescription?

Probably not.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.

Lt. Randall Disher

I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Where's your notebook?

Lt. Randall Disher

Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining, but Natalie moves in front of him and blocks his view]

Natalie Teeger

Am I in your way?

[to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.

Adrian Monk

You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.

Well yeah, they're hers.

Adrian Monk

But look, she's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Okay! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!

Natalie Teeger

Captain, what do you think it means?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

It means that your boss scared somebody.

Did something happen?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.

It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.