[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the scene of the store clerk's death]
Adrian MonkWhen did it happen?
The M.E. is saying two and a half, three hours. He worked as the night manager at the Stop 'n Go on Ridgedale.
Oh my God, we were just there! That's where we bought the newspaper. [to Randy] Along with your letter in it to me.
His shift ended at 4:00 AM, he came here to make the night deposit. He got jumped by the killer, stabbed twice: once in the neck, once in the stomach, with that bottle. [Monk looks at the remains of the bottle that Vicki Salinas used as the murder weapon]
Adrian Monk
No prints on the bottle?
Adrian Monk
Surveillance camera?
Negative. It's over by the ATM, facing the wrong way. It didn't see a thing. [Stottlemeyer turns to Monk]
Now what I can't get over, is that we haven't had a homicide in this neighborhood for over four years, all of a sudden we've got two: first your newspaper boy, killed for a newspaper, and now this robbery.
Adrian Monk
No, this was no robbery.
But the killer took the money.
Adrian Monk
The killer wants us to think robbery. But why wouldn't he do it in a more secluded spot? He could have killed him anywhere between here and the store.
Well maybe the killer just waited for him here by the bank.
Adrian Monk
No. No, the killer had to have followed the victim from the store. [points at the bottle] Cream soda bottle. You can't find that brand anywhere else.
Well how do you know the victim wasn't drinking it? He worked at the Stop 'n Go.
Adrian Monk
That's true. [Sharona examines the bottle]
It's a woman. There's lipstick on the bottle. [Monk and Stottlemeyer squat and see some lipstick towards the bottom of the bottle]
Adrian Monk
How did I miss that?
She's stronger and smarter than you.
[answers phone] Hello? No, I'm Sharona, his assistant. Who's this? Hold on, please. [to Monk] Adrian? You have a brother?
[Everyone looks up, surprised. Long pause.]
Adrian Monk
No.
[into phone] I'm sorry, sir, you must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
[She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again.]
Adrian Monk
Wait, wait... I might have a brother.
You told me you were an only child.
Adrian Monk
I consider myself an only child. We're not close! He has issues.
[raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
Adrian Monk
Don't you people have work to do?! There's a dead woman over there!
[To search van Ranken's house, Adrian and Sharona make a surprise visit]
Hi, I'm Sharona Fleming and this is Adrian Monk.
PVPat van Ranken
[starts breathing heavier] Monk... from next door?
Adrian Monk
No, I'm his brother.
PVPat van Ranken
You almost gave me a heart attack! That guy hasn't left the house in, what, twenty years?
Adrian Monk
Thirty-two...
PVPat van Ranken
My wife knows him. Isn't he... scared of stuff?
Adrian Monk
Yes... he's scared of stuff. Stuff... and things.
[Adrian introduces Sharona to Ambrose]
Adrian Monk
This is my assistant, Sharona.
Hello, we spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk
Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
Adrian Monk
I was being sarcastic.
You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
Adrian Monk
He [van Ranken] was at the park all last night.
Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk
Um...
The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
Adrian Monk
Um...
Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Adrian Monk
Please stop staying "wow."
This detective stuff is easy.
Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk
Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.
[Adrian and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
Adrian Monk
He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
Adrian Monk
Well, obviously, he... [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken] You see, Sharona, what happened was... [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner] I have no idea.
[while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
BABingo Addict
Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
Adrian Monk
Uh, no, thank you.
BABingo Addict
Go ahead. Rub the troll.
Adrian Monk
No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
BABingo Addict
If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
[Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll aggressively with his shirt sleeve]
[Monk tries to recreate the murder of Susan Malloy, and has Sharona play the victim]
I think you enjoy shooting and stabbing me.
Adrian Monk
No, I don't enjoy it. But it's my job.
[Stottlemeyer and Monk are interrogating Ron Abrash, a suspect in a kidnapping.]
Adrian Monk
You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
RARon Abrash
What have you been smokin', man?
Adrian Monk
I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
RARon Abrash
What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"
[Monk is trying to get a man at a homeless shelter to have gravy, because everyone else is.]
Adrian, he doesn't want any gravy!
Monk
Let the man speak for himself.
MMan
I don't want any gravy!
[Monk approaches the homeless man that didn't want gravy]
Adrian Monk
Here, it is!
MMan
I told you, I didn't want any!
Monk
Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Monk
Oh. Well, here it is.
MMan
I told you, I don't want it.
Monk
Okay, how about this. You have some gravy...
Monk
That's it.
[an old woman, actually Randy wearing a wig and some makeup, walks up to Monk and Sharona at the homeless shelter's serving counter]
Adrian Monk
Oh my God!
[sees through the disguise] What are you supposed to be?
I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
What's that on your face?
[to Monk] Give the lady some gravy. [Monk does so]
Monk · 667 quotes
