Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.

Adrian Monk

We have nothing in common. I annoy you all the time. Why wouldn't they believe it?

S2 E15 Mr. Monk Gets Married

View quote →

Adrian Monk

I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.

Well, when you turn the light off you won't see it.

Adrian Monk

I wish you could hear yourself sometimes! You live in a dream world.

S2 E15 Mr. Monk Gets Married

View quote →

Adrian Monk

It seems prison agrees with you, Dale.

DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck

Well, why wouldn't it? After all, [indicates his stomach] I've been inside this prison all my life.

Adrian Monk

That's very poetic.

DBDale "The Whale" Biederbeck

Of course, it doesn't compare with the prison you built for yourself.

S2 E16 Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

View quote →

[while pretending to be a convict, Monk tapes a picture of Trudy to his cell wall]

SRSpyder Rudner

Is that your old lady?

Adrian Monk

Yes.

SRSpyder Rudner

Is she waiting for you?

Adrian Monk

Yes, she is.

S2 E16 Mr. Monk Goes to Jail

View quote →

Monk

You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

[confused, everyone turns to look]

BBusboy

Me?

What are you doing? He's a busboy!

Monk

Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-

Stottlemeyer

Monk...

Monk

We saw what you did-!

Stottlemeyer

Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?

S3 E1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan

View quote →

[Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]

That man took a whizz in the subway. That man [gestures to Steven Leight] killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest? [Monk thinks it over]

Adrian Monk

[hesitantly] The murderer.

S3 E1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan

View quote →

WTWarrick Tennyson

You were the husband?

Adrian Monk

I am the husband.

WTWarrick Tennyson

Forgive me.

Adrian Monk

Forgive you? This is me, turning off your morphine...

[Tennyson's eyes widen in horror]

Adrian Monk

...and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.

S3 E1 Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan

View quote →

[Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]

Adrian Monk

What's a wedgie?

It's when you pull a kid's underwear all the way out of his pants.

Adrian Monk

When I was a kid they called it something else.

What?

Adrian Monk

An "Adrian."

View quote →

Adrian Monk

Uh-oh...

What?

Adrian Monk

The Band-Aid.

It's okay, it doesn't have to be perf- [Monk rips it off] OW!

View quote →

Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!

Mom!

Adrian Monk

Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.

Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father!

Adrian Monk

That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.

[He rips off the Band-Aid again.]

OW!

View quote →

They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because for you every room is a panic room.

Adrian Monk

Thank you.

If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.

View quote →

[Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]

Dr. Charles Kroger

I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?

Adrian Monk

[high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?

Dr. Charles Kroger

Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects. You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.

Adrian Monk

Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

View quote →

[During a blackout]

Monk

[groans]

Benjy, hold his hand.

BBenjy

Ow! He's squeezing it!

Let him squeeze it.

Monk

When will it be over?

Adrian, calm down, they're working on it now, it won't be long.

Monk

When will it be over?

I'm telling you, I don't know, they're working on it.

Monk

When will it be over?!

BBenjy

Make him stop!

[The lights come back on]

See? I told you.

Monk

I didn't know when it would be over.

So I heard.

S3 E3 Mr. Monk and the Blackout

View quote →

[Monk and Sharona are talking to Michelle Rivas at the power plant. Michelle hears a noise, looks up, and sees Gene Edelson coming down the ladder]

MRMichelle Rivas

Gene, what are you doing up there?

GEGene Edelson

What am I doing? I am checking the auxillary generator.

MRMichelle Rivas

Well there's a reporter looking for you.

GEGene Edelson

Well you're the company mouth. You talk to them. It's not my job. [spots Monk tapping one of the gauges on an instrument panel] Excuse me! Uh, do you see the sign? [Monk notices the "DO NOT TOUCH" sign over the gauge]

Adrian Monk

Ah, no problem. I got it. [He straightens it a few centimeters. Michelle chuckles]

MRMichelle Rivas

I've been dying to do that for six months. [Stottlemeyer and Disher return]

Hey Monk, we've got the prelim on the explosives. [Monk joins them to examine the remnants of the bomb] We think... four to five pounds of a high density plastique with a magnesium charge. It was detonated with an egg timer.

Adrian Monk

You mentioned the letters. Is that the letter?

Yeah, three pages, taped to the back door outside. [Monk looks over Randy's shoulder to see the note]

Lt. Randall Disher

Yeah it's a basic environmental laundry list: solar power, fossil fuels, Saudi Arabia, "it's the only planet we have."

Adrian Monk

[reading] "We are free men... unshacked by your barborous laws." I know that phrase. I've heard that before. "Unshackled." "Barborous laws." [He thinks for a few seconds] Ten years ago, that exact same phrase was in a letter, written by a guy named Winston... No yes, Winston Brenner. Trudy wrote an article about him.

I remember that guy. He was a serious radicalist in Boston. He blew up a recruiting station; a couple of soldiers got killed.

Lt. Randall Disher

Looks like he just came out of retirement.

Let's check him out.

S3 E3 Mr. Monk and the Blackout

View quote →

[Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a construction site to talk to tree-hugger Alby Drake]

ADAlby Drake

No I'm not being reasonable, I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!

[Monk and Sharona arrive]

Did you call Michelle?

Adrian Monk

No.

Did you think about it?

Adrian Monk

No.

Did you think about thinking about it?

Adrian Monk

Sharona, I'm a married man.

Captain, Lieutenant.

Sharona, Monk.

What's going on?

Tree hugger.

His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend; they were roommates at MIT.

Adrian Monk

How long has he been up there?

CFConstruction Foreman

Ten days. He'll be down soon. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.

The FBI, in their infinite wisdom, now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, [points a bullhorn up at Drake] that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.