Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Natalie Teeger

[after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it!

Adrian Monk

Natalie, he's not even a suspect!

Natalie Teeger

Damn!

Adrian Monk

I'm on the list.

Name?

Adrian Monk

Puff Daddy, plus 1.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

How's it look, Gordo?

Oh, looks like suicide, smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Were those prescription?

Probably not.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

[to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.

Lt. Randall Disher

I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Where's your notebook?

Lt. Randall Disher

Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining, but Natalie moves in front of him and blocks his view]

Natalie Teeger

Am I in your way?

[to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.

Adrian Monk

You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.

Well yeah, they're hers.

Adrian Monk

But look, she's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns and addresses all of the other cops and CSI techs in the room]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Okay! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio, go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!

Natalie Teeger

Captain, what do you think it means?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

It means that your boss scared somebody.

Natalie Teeger

She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here. [points to her forehead]

Adrian Monk

[puts his finger right above the bridge of Natalie's nose] Maybe here.

Natalie Teeger

He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]

Adrian Monk

Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!

Adrian Monk

Who was that clown? I'd never seen him before.

Natalie Teeger

How long have they been married?

Adrian Monk

Forever. Karen and Leland? They've never had a thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. Victim was poisoned; somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.

Adrian Monk

Was he part of the heist?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.

Natalie Teeger

Where's the diamond?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.

Adrian Monk

We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.

Natalie Teeger

So the reward is still good? I mean, nobody's claimed it?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yeah, as far as I know. The reward is still good.

Natalie Teeger

[holds up file] Ka-ching!

Adrian Monk

[to Stottlemeyer] Could you make her stop saying that?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.

Natalie Teeger

[noticing that Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at her with accusing looks] What? Are you looking at me?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Yes I am, Ms. Teeger.

I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.

Lt. Randall Disher

It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.

Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!

Lt. Randall Disher

And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?

OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.

Lt. Randall Disher

And you didn't hear anything unusual?

No, sir. I was three floors away.

Lt. Randall Disher

Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?

Lt. Randall Disher

Monk, Nat.

Adrian Monk

What's going on?

Lt. Randall Disher

What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.

Natalie Teeger

Whoa!

Lt. Randall Disher

I know whoa! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.

Adrian Monk

So you're not arresting him about the drugs?

Lt. Randall Disher

Uh, no, what drugs?

Adrian Monk

His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.

Lt. Randall Disher

Okay, I'll look into it. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis. [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room]

[to Randy] So am I in trouble?

Lt. Randall Disher

No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]

Adrian Monk

Who is she?

Lt. Randall Disher

Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

What was it this time?

Lt. Randall Disher

Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.

Adrian Monk

[chuckles] She didn't look unstable.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

They never do.

Dr. Charles

Adrian, I just don't know what to say. I'm speechless, and I'm very very proud of you.

Adrian

No big deal.

Dr. Charles

No-no-no. I'm very, very proud of you. And it is a big deal.

Adrian

It's just one weekend. I'll be gone for two nights.

Dr. Charles

Two nights alone in a hotel?

Adrian

I might even leave my room.

Dr. Charles

Yes.

Adrian

Would you like to come along? I'll treat.

Dr. Charles

No. No, I mean it's your vacation.

Adrian

My treat.

Dr. Charles

But it's your breakthrough. And I think it's the first time since you lost Trudy that you're actually looking forward to something.

Adrian

I am. I'm looking forward.

Dr. Charles

You know, there is a term for this, Adrian. It's called affirmative reflex. And it's a very, very big step. Okay, it's 3:00. I'll see you next--

Adrian

Okay, I'll see you on Wednesday.

Dr. Charles

Whoa, wait-wait-wait. You know, I was thinking maybe we should eliminate Wednesday. And you can come on Monday and Friday.

Adrian

Two days a week?

Dr. Charles

Yeah, how would you feel about that?

Adrian

I don't know what to say. That's only twice as much as a normal person. How many times has Harold Crenshaw come?

Dr. Charles

Adrian, you know I can't talk about another patient.

Adrian

I'll bet he comes three times a week. Loser.

Dr. Charles

Adrian, it's not a contest. The important thing is that you're making real tangible progress. And I couldn't be happier. You know, you've been stuck at square one for a long time.

Adrian

I hate square one.

Dr. Charles

Well then let me be the first to say, welcome to square two.

Adrian

How many squares are there?

Dr. Charles

We'll just take it one step at a time.

Adrian

What square is Harold on?

Dr. Charles

Doesn't matter.

Adrian

I understand. He's still on square one, isn't he? Blink twice if I'm right.

Adrian

Tangible progress, can you believe it? That's what he said. Tangible progress. Those were his words.

Good for you.

Adrian

He said that I was on square two.

That's a good place to be.

Adrian

What square are you on?

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Monk. I never really thought about it.

Adrian

Well, I'd say... you were on square... four or five.

That sounds about right. But you're catching up. Oh, I'm so proud of you. Are you proud of yourself?

Adrian

Proud of myself? No, no. That's square-five talk.

Dr. Kroger

And they canceled the movie [about you]?

Monk

He said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [Pause] He's in England playing Hamlet.

Dr. Charles

That must have been a traumatic experience for you Adrian. And they cancelled the movie?

Adrian

He said he wanted to play a character who wasn't so dark and depressing. He's in England doing Hamlet.

Dr. Charles

How about the little getaway you were planning? The weekend away?

Dr. Charles

All right, okay, maybe another time.

Adrian

I guess I'm back to square one. [He groans] It's good to be home.

Dr. Charles

Adrian, please don't be hard on yourself. I think we should go back to three days a week for just a little while. That would be Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Adrian

And Tuesday.

Dr. Charles

Tuesday would be four days a week...

Dr. Charles

Okay, I could see that just until you're back on your feet...

Adrian

And Thursday.

Dr. Charles

Oh no, Thursday is five days a week, Adrian.

Dr. Charles

Okay, that way five days a week would be easier to remember...

Adrian

And Saturday.

Dr. Charles

Well, Saturday is the weekend and I don't like to see patients on the weekends.

Adrian

Saturday!

Dr. Charles

Adrian, I have a family and I like to keep the weekend free...

Adrian

[Desperately] Saturday!

Dr. Charles

Okay, we'll try that for a weekend or two. So that would be Monday, Tuesday...

Adrian

And Sunday.

Monk

Ugh, Natalie. What am I gonna do? The whole city reeks.

Natalie

I'm starting to get used to it.

Monk

You are? Really? Then you're gonna love Hell.

Monk

Listen. Listen. It's a truck. That sounds like a garbage truck, right?

Natalie

Mr. Monk, it's not a garbage truck.

Monk

They've settled the strike. It's all over! T-turn on the news. Uh. False alarm. It's a...bus.

[On TV] All we want-- All we've ever wanted is a fair contract for ourselves and for our families. This union is willing to stay out for as long as it takes. Two weeks! Two months! We will never back down! We will never surrender! It's all his fault.

Monk

[Mocking] Jimmy Cusack. Hate that guy. Wish he was dead.

Natalie

Don't say that.

Monk

I do. I wish he was dead.

Natalie

What if something happened to him? You'd feel terrible.

Monk

No, I wouldn't.

Natalie

Yeah, you would.

Monk

No. I wouldn't.

Natalie

Yeah, you would.

Natalie

Where's your garbage? [Coughs] Did you just mail your garbage to somebody? These are desperate times, Natalie. [Whispers] Desperate times.

Natalie

What? [TV announces death of Jimmy] Are you happy?

Monk

No.

Natalie

Got your wish.

Monk

Wha--? No. Y-you think I did this?

Natalie

Yeah. I think you did. With your karma! You said you wanted the guy dead.

Monk

I was joking. It's a figure of speech.

Natalie

Well, Mr. Monk, you need to be careful what you wish for. Look. [Points to TV] Because of his death, the union has stopped all negotiations. Nobody's talking. The strike's gonna go on for years. Good job.