Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

Natalie Teeger

Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.

Adrian Monk

It's over there.

Natalie Teeger

What?

Adrian Monk

Dog... you know. Dog... doo.

Natalie Teeger

Did you step in it?

Adrian Monk

[looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!

Marty Eels

Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.

Adrian Monk

Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.

Marty Eels

[to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?

Natalie Teeger

Yes.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.

Adrian Monk

I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.

Adrian Monk

He's cheating!

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

How?

Adrian Monk

I don't know.

Marty Eels

He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.

Adrian Monk

No. He's not, Captain.

Marty Eels

Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Casio?

Marty Eels

Lefty? [thinks] Dial?

Lt. Randy Disher

Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Well let's check him out.

Monk

Bay Area Center continuing education; is that a correspondence school?

Marty Eels

It's fully accredited...What school did you go to?

Monk

Berkeley.

Marty Eels

That's a good school....I believe they're fully accredited too.

I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.

Adrian Monk

[nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...

Adrian Monk

Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.

Natalie Teeger

Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.

Adrian Monk

Natalie, you have to come back here.

Natalie Teeger

I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.

Adrian Monk

It's Ebola.

Natalie Teeger

Excuse me?

Adrian Monk

I think I have the Ebola virus.

Natalie Teeger

No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.

Adrian Monk

I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.

Natalie Teeger

You have massive internal bleeding?

Adrian Monk

Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.

Monk

I see letters!

Natalie

It's alphabet soup.

Stottlemeyer

[pointing to machine] What's this?

Monk

Humidifier.

Stottlemeyer

[Pointing to other machine] And this?

Monk

De-humidifier.

Stottlemeyer

Well, don't they cancel each other out?

Monk

Exactly.

Monk

[to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.

Natalie

No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.

Monk

Give me the cards.

Monk

Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...

Natalie

Swear words?

Monk

Here's football.

Monk

You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.

Yes, we know.

Monk

It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.

Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?

Monk

That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.

But they were in Houston, Monk.

Monk

You guys want to hear some swear words?

We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.

Adrian Monk

I'm really, really sorry.

It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?

Adrian Monk

I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.

Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.

Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.

Adrian Monk

Oh my God! People actually drink that?!

Natalie Teeger

Yeah, I think so.

Adrian Monk

Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!

Adrian Monk

I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!

Natalie Teeger

Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!

Adrian Monk

I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.

And the fungus. It really is barbaric.

Natalie Teeger

Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.

Dr. Charles Kroger

Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?

Adrian Monk

I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.

Natalie

You know, Mr. Monk, you never told me. What happened in the cemetery? How did you know that woman wasn't really Trudy?

Monk

Well, I went to the grave... and it still hurt. So I knew.