A character in Monk
Played by Tony Shalhoub
Monk · 667 quotes
Most-quoted character in Monk: in 475 of its 667 quotes
Most scenes with: Natalie Teeger (162), Captain Leland Stottlemeyer (140), Sharona Fleming (82)
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian MonkI don't think so.
Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian MonkI thought he'd lost his wallet.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album]
Adrian MonkShe was... wow.
Beautiful.
Adrian MonkI remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
[Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane (which Monk calls a "spittle shield")]
Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [After a few moments, Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames, which continue until Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher]
Adrian MonkHey, happy birthday.
I think I might reconsider that investment.
[Natalie hands Randy an invitation to her brother's wedding]
Who's Jonathan Davenport?
He's my brother.
"You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.
Uh, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.
Adrian Monk[in disbelief] What?
[Disher produces a tube of Davenport Toothpaste]
This is you?
[looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Who is he?
So far he's John Doe.
I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Is he the driver?
No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Adrian MonkCaptain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
How do you know that?
Adrian MonkThe discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.
[Someone has nearly tried to kill Randy by running him down]
How is he?
Broken arm, broken leg, probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been much worse.
Can he identify the driver?
He can't identify me! I'll check back later. [to Monk] What have you got?
Adrian MonkCondensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
So what, he was waiting for him?
Adrian MonkFrom the tire tracks, he must have peeled out at full speed.
So he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn? Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?
Adrian Monk[produces an evidence bag] And we found this, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
I'll get this down to the lab right away.
Captain, it's not your case.
By hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]
[Monk and Natalie see Stottlemeyer posing as a photographer]
Captain, what are you doing here?
Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the crime tech guys.
Why?
Because Randy says he thinks he can identify the driver.
Adrian MonkDid he get a good look at him?
Yep. Male Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figure I'd develop these tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile. [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them]
Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Adrian MonkApril 12, 1972.
You remember?
Adrian MonkI only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.
Adrian!
Young Adrian MonkMom, everybody's watching.
Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian MonkMom...
You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian MonkMom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
What are you doing?
Young AdrianRight, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]
Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Adrian[bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.
[Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]
I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
Adrian MonkShe is planning to murder him.
What?
Adrian MonkShe's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
Well maybe she doesn't know?
Adrian MonkShe knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
Adrian MonkIt's awful.
I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
MonkOh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.
[after Monk gives him an air purifier] Do you um, know what eBay is?
Adrian MonkeBay? No.
Good.
[Stottlemeyer takes Monk to the parking lot where Prager tried to kill him]
Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a gun and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his S&W gun, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.
Adrian MonkAnd they just left the bullet holes?
Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer have viewed the scene where Frank Prager fired at Stottlemeyer]
Adrian MonkMaybe he's home for Christmas.
Monk, I can't go near the place! The um, the wife filed a complaint against me. Said I had been harassing her.
Adrian MonkWhy would she say that?
Uhhh, probably because I'd been harassing her. [points his finger at Monk] She's never seen you.
Captain Leland StottlemeyerTed Levine · 239 quotes
Natalie TeegerTraylor Howard · 203 quotes
Sharona FlemingBitty Schram · 111 quotes
Lt. DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 100 quotes
Lt. Randall DisherJason Gray-Stanford · 68 quotes
Dr. Charles KrogerStanley Kamel · 17 quotes
Julie TeegerEmmy Clarke · 13 quotes
BFBenjy Fleming12 quotes
Jack MonkDan Hedaya · 12 quotes
Harold KrenshawTim Bagley · 7 quotes
DBDale Biederbeck6 quotes
Dr. Neven BellHéctor Elizondo · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
