Adrian Monk quotes from Monk

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[Monk and Natalie have arrived in Las Vegas]

Monk

They (the gamblers) look miserable.

Natalie

They are miserable. You might be the happiest person here.

[Immediately, a woman at a slot machine behind them screams and jumps up and down in joy]

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[Monk is trying to help Stottlemeyer remember the events of his hangover]

I talked to someone.

Monk

Good! There you go. Who?

It was a man. [Pause] Or a woman.

Monk

Ah. Man or a woman. That narrows it down. So--so--so it wasn't a child.

Could have been.

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[Monk watches as Stottlemeyer sings karaoke to get information from someone]

[Singing "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers] Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long..."

[Natalie comes in and sees Stottlemeyer at the mic]

Monk

Don't ask.

[Singing] ... anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder if she's gone to stay...

WWanda

Do the dance, you did a little dance.

[Singing] Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone too long, anytime she goes away...

WWanda

Turn around, I wanna see your tush.

[Singing] I know... (7x)

WWanda

Those are different pants. Where're the jeans? [Stottlemeyer stops singing]

Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.

WWanda

All you said was, "They don't match."

"They don't match"? What doesn't match?

WWanda

I don't know, you didn't say.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got?

WWanda

Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing.

[Sighs] Thank you.

[He goes over to Monk and Natalie]

Monk

You were good.

Shut up.

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[Monk refuses to look at the showgirls on stage]

Natalie

Mr. Monk, they're not naked.

Monk

They're naked-ish!

Natalie

Well, I can't argue with you there. They are naked-ish.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

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[while Stottlemeyer and Monk question Harold Krenshaw, Stottlemeyer takes a bite of a coconut donut]

Harold Krenshaw

Now you have to eat a sugar one.

Don't want a sugar one.

Adrian Monk

Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.

Harold Krenshaw

Or two coconuts and two glazed.

Adrian Monk

Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.

Harold Krenshaw

That's a good idea.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

Or, I can do this. [He grabs the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle] There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.

S3 E15 Mr. Monk and the Election

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[Monk walks into Stottlemeyer's office]

[Not looking up from his desk] Don't you ever get tired of being right?

Monk

I do feel tired. More fatigued, really. I don't know if it's from being right or-

It was a rhetorical question, Monk. We might be on to something here. [Hands Monk a file] Jack Whitman. He's been sent up twice, first time for mail fraud and receiving stolen property. Lately, he's been importing rugs.

[Monk looks up from the file]

Monk

Rugs?

Yeah, rugs, from places like Chechnya, Uzbekistan. Sound familiar?

Monk

[Realizing] The shell casing and the grenade.

The Feds think that he's a major arms dealer. They raided his office six months ago. They came up empty-handed: no guns, no nothing, no paper trail. All they could get him on was tax evasion. He did five months. He just got out last Wednesday.

Monk

And two days later, he's on a roof taking shots at Natalie.

Then he joins her campaign, and then he tries to take you out?

Monk

What do you think he's after?

[Stands up] I'm not gonna find out. Let's go get him.

Monk

I can't go. You're on your own. Natalie's waiting for me downstairs. I have to go vote.

Well, that's good. You're doing your civic duty.

Monk

There's that. Also, if I don't vote, Natalie will - you know.

I know.

S3 E15 Mr. Monk and the Election

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[Monk, Natalie, and Randy have just escaped a grenade blast]

Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.

Monk

Oh. Yeah.

And then he said, you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? [Monk shrugs] I'm going ask the mayor to give you a medal for what you did, and then I'm going to ask the mayor to take that medal back, because you just had to open that door.

Monk

It's a wash, isn't it?

It's a wash.

Monk

Captain, that grenade... had Russian markings on it.

Yeah I know, we found a piece of it. It was made in Chechnya. This guy must be very well connected. Whoever he is, you must be making him nervous.

S3 E15 Mr. Monk and the Election

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[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]

Monk

Where did he find it?

Stottlemeyer

The boy's not talking.

Monk

Maybe he hates cops.

Stottlemeyer

Maybe he's two years old.

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[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]

TCTeresa Crane

Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?

Monk

Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?

TCTeresa Crane

He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.

Monk

Oh. So he's like a person.

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[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]

9O911 Operator

You mean, you've never changed a diaper?

Monk

Hurry!

9O911 Operator

Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.

Monk

Okay, I've got the straps.

9O911 Operator

Now rip 'em open!

[sound of Velcro ripping]

Monk

Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!

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[Monk and Natalie have brought Tommy along as they stake out the Carlyles]

Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?

Adrian Monk

To protect his head.

It must be so uncomfortable.

Adrian Monk

Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.

Your parents made you wear a helmet?

Adrian Monk

No.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer

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[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the crime lab examining the finger]

FTForensic Technician

Are you ready?

Yeah.

FTForensic Technician

It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.