What happened to the baby?
AbbeyI gave him back.
Abbey
Fine.
Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?
Abbey
So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.
Abbey
That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.
[Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?
[To Abbey scooping up dog shit] So, this is ironic, innit?
Abbey
Maybe it's meant to be. I mean, it's the first steps to finding out who I actually am. It's all part of some big cosmic plan.
[To Abbey] You just stepped in some dog shit!
[To community servers washing off graffiti] What's this?! What's with the strange lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the... rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up with you lot?
Abbey
Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.
Abbey
He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and is never gonna shag him.
Well... I- I- let her... speak for herself, shall we, Jess?
Abbey
And him... He's in love with a nun.
I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!
Abbey
Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi... no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh?
[Walks up to Abbey] What about you, sweetcheeks?
Abbey
I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection. I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it. Which makes me feel sad and... lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.
You take the pain... and you hang onto it. You bury it! Deep inside you! Do you feel it?! Do you feel it? 'Cause that's it. Feels like your guts are strangling your heart. Lap it up, it's good for the soul.
[In locker room] Oh... D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember. All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest with you, with all the soft hair, silky vaginas. [Chuckles] I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death. I've bailed mid-fuck.
You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
Yeah, there's a... Yes, there's a point. And the point is, and this is fucking heart-breaking, there are shitters and there are people that get shat on. I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me. You know, me heart's in little pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up?! [Finn walks away] And stop... Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not. Fuck's sake! Shut up!
Abbey
You've gotta fight for her.
[Scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?"
Abbey
I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it. I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex. It's a shame.
Really? [Softly] Is that true?
Abbey
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no. You're right. You are both right and you're friggin' strange. [Claps hand, points up and runs away, turning to them] You have to fight for the nun you love... That's what's happening. [Leaves door] Whoa!
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
I've just... I'm... I'm- I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?
No, I'd crawl, man. I'd... dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, really, I would. [Sighs]
[Puts both hands on Rudy's shoulders] Hey. That's what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit. Naked? [Slides hands down off Rudy's arms] I should know. I was in love once. Didn't say anything, I was too scared. Lost them for ever. That's... That's a shame, man. Feel your pain, man. That's horrid. You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, [Slams hands past Rudy on door menacingly] OR SO HELP ME GOD, OR I WILL FUCK YOU TO KINGDOM COME!
Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this. [Clears throat starts inching along] Cor... Ohh... Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg. [Runs away]
[On rooftop] They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are. Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love. It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can. Eh?
Are you sure that's her motivation?
It's... It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV. [Finn enters] Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted... They're [Finn sits] consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy. I mean, look at him. I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.
Abbey
That what you were just doing in the toilets?
I mean, what are we talking about?
Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we. You need to help me. Who's gonna help me? Come on! Oh, I see. Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable. The number of times I've helped you two out. And you, man. What about when you... the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap with you? Me.
That was you. You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
Yeah, and why did I do that?
Because you didn't wanna sleep in your own shit.
That's incorrect. It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's... It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.
[Community servers hiding behind a corner spying on the convent entrance]
Hmm? I don't have... I've... I've no idea. I'm sorry, I've not thought of yet.
Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination?
I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.
Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm.
Abbey
You could use the special powers you got after being struck by that random freak storm. [Rudy and Finn turn and stare at Abbey condescended] It's just a thought.
You know, we really should use them more often. Hmm. [Outstretches hands and successfully unlocks convent front doors]
Abbey
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
Abbey
[Sitting on couch in Finn's community centre room] You need a new TV.
Yeah, I'm aware of that. [Abbey grabs his crotch and he coughs on his beer]
Abbey
That's my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Do I wanna fuck you? Well... Hmm. Well, that's a very interesting question, with... many possible answers. Well, two answers.
Abbey
Do you need some time to think about your feelings for Jess?
Who said I had feelings for Jess? There's... There's no feelings. Not on her part. It's your call.
Abbey
Let me know when you make your decision.
Are you saying you like me?
Abbey
Hmm... I need to fuck you to find out. It's a process of elimination. And they said romance is dead. If you don't want to, that's cool.
That's not what I said, eh? Let's not be hasty... you, let's just... weigh up all the angles, you know, do a bit of geometry. Okay. Yeah, let's fuck.
Abbey
Hmm-mm. You can start by rubbing my tit.
Abbey
You choose. [Finn rubs her left breast] Mmm.
[After a session] So, am I the one?
Abbey
Technically it really wasn't too bad. It's just for me, it was completely lacking in passion and emotion.
Abbey
Yeah. It's always like that. But look on the bright side. At least you got to come in me, so that's a gooey silver lining.
Abbey
Looks that way. [She grabs his hand and they shake hands]
Is there any paperwork I have to complete?
Abbey
Why would there be any paperwork?
Abbey
For such a little guy, you've weirdly weighty balls.
[Finn opens door to her] What's going on?
Abbey
It's all right, we've finished shagging.
Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
Abbey
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Abbey
I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
Abbey
I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
[Comes in front door] Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Seriously, get out my face.
[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
Abbey
I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
Abbey
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
Abbey
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
[Comes in locker room to find Alex dying from being impaled by a harbringer] It's just a graze.
My bad. We need to get him to a hospital. I'm gutted we're all gonna die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you and your emotional honesty. Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
Abbey
I'm sure we're all gonna be fine. Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
If she dies, they die. It's her power.
No, they're not right. They're fucking... You're wrong.
It's my fault. I brought them here.
No. No good. You're good and pure. D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat... cowardly, selfish, violent, a world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginas and just splatters on the floor. You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss. And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals. I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the situation of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
One for all, all for one, and a nun. My nun. My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me?
Looks that way. So, who goes out there first? Someone's gotta be first out the door.
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
I'm really glad I met you.
What? [Nadine runs out locker room to four harbringers] Oh, no. No! [Harbringer plunges sword into Nadine] No! Nadine. Don't. No... Oh... [Four harbringers disappear and Rudy walks ahead sobbing] No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. [Sobs] Ohh... No... [sobs]
This is all wrong, this. I wanted me ET ending.
Abbey
At least we got some BMXs out of it. I always wanted a BMX. I just remembered that! I just remembered something. That's a clue. To what? To my true identity. Okay, think... BMX.
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Hello? Is he okay? Jesus, um... I don't know his family. I know he's a barman. Yeah... I'm on my way. OK. Bye. [Hangs up]That was the hospital. It's Alex. He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him...
[Rides BMX into wall] Ah! They're giving him a lung transplant.
Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be getting a transplant round here.
Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seeing this one time, right, and she had an heart transplant. She only ended up getting herself a teleportation power. And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is gonna be fine.
What's the chance of it happening again, really?
[Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!
You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.
I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.
Yeah, that's you all over.
And then they cast me out.
Abbey
And why were you cast out?
I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [A uniformed girl scout walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick! Shit. [Looks down] Is he still staring? He's really staring.
Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys. You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts. The first time I ever saw another boy's penis. Scouts. First time I touched another boy's penis. Scouts. First time another boy touched my penis.
It was in Scouts! It was in Scou... happy, sunlit days is what they were. [Referring to a female scout] Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.
[In abandoned market stalls] Would you stop sniffing that scarf?
Abbey
There's something about the smell of her. I keep asking girls in the bar if it's theirs, and none of them are her. She's like Cinderella.
This Cinderella, did you shag her?
Abbey
What? No.
Cinderella, like in the fairy tale. Pumpkin. Fairy godmother. She had a glass slipper.
[Hits her vehicle with purse] Fucking start, you piece of shit!
You're the monkey-cheese guy! Why are you looking at me like that?
Because you know my dad, don't you?
[Sitting on bench] He split in two? There's two of him?
You got the shitty end of the stick, mate. Well, the shitty end of the dad.
Abbey
Mm. I found your scarf in the toilets.
Thank you. I thought I'd lost that. Thanks.
Abbey
How do you smell so nice?
Abbey
Perfume? Regular showering?
Abbey
Can I get you a drink?
Abbey
It's okay. I'm not going to drug you and take you to my basement and rape you with a massive strap-on. I live in a flat, and it doesn't have a basement.
I'm not being funny, but you're really strange.
Abbey
Mm. It's 'cause I don't know who I am.
What do you mean, you don't know who you are?
Abbey
Well, I lost my memory in that weird freak storm. I've tried to find out who I am, but no-one's looking for me.
Abbey
I'm Abby, and you are the nicest-smelling person in the world.
Misfits · 556 quotes
