Abbey quotes from Misfits

Abbey

[In locker room] All this time, I've been searching for something - a connection. All those random guys... and cocks and all they did was make me feel even more empty inside. But with Laura, it's different. She... makes me feel complete.

Jess

So, that's the big mystery solved, then. You're a lesbian.

Abbey

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a lesbian.

[Points at her] Well done! [Abbey salutes Rudy]

[Making out with Abbey and sees boyfriend walking down] Shit!

Abbey

Who's he?

Boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.

Abbey

Does he know about the ex bit?

Everything's happened so fast.

Where you been? Hm? Why aren't you answering your phone? Who's she?

Abbey

Hiya. I'm Abby, the lesbian. I'm her new girlfriend. You've been dumped.

What the fuck is going on? Since when were you a lesbian?

I'm not. I've never felt this way about a girl before.

Abbey

[To Laura] I love you. [To Rob] How weird is that? I love her.

[Grabs Laura by the wrist] You stupid bitch!

You're scaring me. [Abbey attacks Rob, knocking him to ground and punching him in the face repeatedly]

What the fuck?! [He runs away]

Abbey

You hurt her and I'll fucking kill you!

Abby? Are you all right?

Abbey

You must think I'm a total psycho. He was going to hurt you. You were scared. I had to protect you.

You made me feel safe. [Whispers] I liked it.

Abbey

[Performing cunilingus on Laura] Scary's coming.

Huh? What?

Abbey

[Brings head up] Scary's coming.

What? How d'you know about Scary?

Abbey

I... I'm having these flashbacks. There's this girl and she's holding your cuddly toy monkey. I think it's you. Who's Scary?

When I was a little girl, that's the name that I gave to the Bogeyman.

Abbey

There's another little girl. If I'm remembering it, it must be me, right? We must have been friends when we were little.

There's only one other person who knows about Scary.

Abbey

Yeah, it's me. I'm her.

You can't be. She didn't exist. She was my imaginary friend.

Abbey

What was her name? It was Abby, wasn't it?

What the fuck is going on?

Abbey

Were you in that... weird, freaky, mysterious storm? Um... I thought I was a lesbian with acute memory loss, but I think I might be your imaginary friend brought to life.

Er. You should probably stop going down on me.

Abbey

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Rudy Two walks over to Abbey lounging on rooftop with milk crate and sits] Hiya.

Abbey

If you've come to feel my tit, I'm not really in the mood.

No, no, no, it's not... I'm... I'm the other one. I'm Rudy 2. Look. It's just that I remember when I was first created, you know, you have all these questions spinning round your head. You know, what's my place in the world? Am I a person in my own right? Will I ever find... true love, sort of thing?

Abbey

And what did you do?

Rudy One told me to stop being such a vagina. Only he didn't say "vagina". I bottled everything up... and I thought I could fix it with... anxiety medication and sleeping pills and stuff. But then we found somewhere I could go and... [show her flyer] it's like a support group, you know, for people like us, me and you. People with powers, you know. And nobody judges you. We all just sit and listen, so... you can't tell Rudy One where I am, he thinks I'm doing the laundry. I do the service wash. But you should come. Or definitely think about it, you know.

Abbey

You're nice.

Oh. [Pats her knee and walks away]

Abbey

[Rob answers front door] Ex-boyfriend, what are you doing here?

Laura asked me to come round. She don't wanna see you, all right? Just go.

Abbey

But she can't not see me. She created me.

I know who you are. She told me everything. Stay away from her.

Abbey

[Keeps door open with foot] What are you gonna do about that? [Rob shoves her and closes door] Laura...! You can't do this. I brought you a swingball. I love swingball. Laura! [Laura goes to bathroom and notices a figure behind shower curtain and swipes it aside] Hi.

What are you doing?

Abbey

I climbed in through the window. I was gonna wait until you had your wee. If it's a shit, I'll wait outside.

No, it's just a wee.

Abbey

Why don't you wanna see me?

You're not real.

Abbey

I am fucking real.

It's too weird.

Abbey

[Takes scissors and cuts her arm] See? I'm as real as you are.

[Knocks on bathroom door] Laura, who are you talking to?

You're crazy.

Abbey

I'm how you made me. You wanted me.

Laura, open the door.

I don't want you here.

Abbey

You made me.

[Shouts] Laura!

Just go... Go!

Abbey

If I don't have you, I don't have anybody. Please... [Rob forces way into washroom and grabs Abbey against wall]

Rob! No! Fuck off! [Pulls arm back and notices scissor slash] You cut me. You stay away from me.

[To Jess] Always liked you. It's raining. Your hair's so pretty... when it's wet. [Feels her hair]

Jesus Christ. The man's a fucking vegetable.

Finn

I tell you what's happened here. The storm. This will be something to do with the storm.

Alex

Really?

Finn

Yeah.

Alex

You think so?

Finn

Mm-hm.

Alex

Well, thanks for the heads-up, [[w:Miss Marple|Miss Marple.

Abbey

Maybe it's something to do with that superpower support group he's been going to.

Finn

So, what does he need with a support group, anyway?

Talking about your feelings, that's the first sign of weakness. You want to bottle that stuff up inside you, until it becomes one solid mass of anger and resentment. That's what my Uncle Peter did. Admittedly, he drank himself to death, but that's not the... point. [Answers phone] Hello?

Jess

He's hungry. Gammon and egg, and fish and... He wants gammon.

Well, I don't know. Get him some from a vending machine?

Jess

Okay, hurry up. You need to be the one dealing with this, not me.

Oh...

Abbey

[Holds up flyer to door] Guys, this is it.

[Walks up] Right.

Finn

What's the plan?

The plan is... we go in there and we ask 'em which one turned Rudy 2 into an old man.

Finn

Shit plan.

Is it?

Finn

If Rudy 2's a regular at this group, they're going to think you're him. Go undercover, pretend to be him and whoever did it'll be surprised to see you. They'll give themselves away.

[Snaps finger and points] That is genius. Here's what I need, right? I need a beard. I need some glasses. I need a pipe. I want a cloak. Get me a staff of some kind.

Finn

You need to look like Rudy 2, otherwise they're not gonna think you're him.

This guy, eight GCSEs. [Zips up jacket] Let's go undercover. [Walks down long stairs and opens door to warehouse]

Rudy 2. How are you doing?

I would imagine you're... quite surprised to see me, guy.

Not really. Um... you always come on a Tuesday.

Let's just say that old habits... die hard. Old... habits.

Finn

I'm Finn. [Shakes hands with Stuart]

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just here for the biscuits.

Cheers.

Finlay.

Finn

What was all that with the fucking milky nipples?

What was the plan, Finn? Can you remember it? The plan was, we don't tell anyone what our real powers are.

Finn

That was nothing to do with the plan.

Was it not?

Finn

No!

Now, listen to me, dude, seriously. Someone here knows something about Rudy 2. I suggest we just split up.

Finn

Yeah, I think we should just... [Rudy walks to support group circle] fuck off!

So, what's your power?

Finn

Teleke...

Milky nipples.

Hmm?

Milky nipples. 'Cause every time he tells a lie, he just expresses milk from his nipples. It's ridiculous, and he's very embarrassed about it. Now, you're going to have to excuse us, cos we do have other people we need to speak to. [Slaps Stuart on left shoulder and walks past him]

Abbey

Why is there a turtle by the biscuits?

He turns up every week. It's someone with a power.

Abbey

There's someone inside of there?

Yeah. His name's Mark.

Abbey

[Kneels down to Mark] All right, mate?

Abbey

[Holds up tortoise] Um... Alex, will you do me a quick favour? Will you fuck my tortoise?

Alex

Um... just give me a minute to think about... that. Er... actually, I don't need a full minute. It's a no.

Abbey

It's a man and his name's Mark. He's trapped in here and he can't get out.

Alex

That is really tragic.

Abbey

Mm.

Alex

But I'm still not fucking your tortoise.

Abbey

You have no idea, do you? I found out what my power is and it's totally useless. There's nothing I can do to help anyone. But you... you can make a difference. You're the only one out of us who can actually change people's lives. And what are you doing about it? Nothing. It's just sat there in your pants. Use your power, Alex. Help people. Be a superhero. Fuck the tortoise, Alex.

[Walking alongside Abbey] So, this is what you're doing while I'm in your locker eating lettuce.

Abbey

More or less. [Enters locker room] No, let's check the, er... [sees Sarah in front of her, to Mark] Don't listen to her Latin, don't look at her tits. [To Sarah] Your devil tits don't work on me. I'm a girl.

Guess I'm just gonna have to turn your boyfriend inside out, then. [Turns Mark into a skinless corpse] Now I've got your full attention... Ecce satanas meo, sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus...

Alex

[Appears behind Sarah] So this has been a pretty weird date. [She turns around] Not that it's a date.

[Finn and Rudy enter] Leave him. He's mine. What's the matter, Alex? Don't you trust yourself? What's going to happen if you... have a little look? It's just a pair of tits. And you're one of the good guys, remember? You're not some weak, pathetic animal who's ruled by his urges.

Alex

There was a girl I used to know. Emma. She was like you. She was a good person who just got the wrong power. She was accident prone. Wasn't her fault. It was just bad things used to happen to her. I'm so sorry, Sarah. You didn't deserve any of this.

Oh... I get it. I'm supposed to slip on the banana skin. Any other bright ideas? [Ceiling fluorescent light bar becomes disattached and comes down on her head] Agh!