You are bang out of order, mate!
Because you're exploiting her disabilities and y- you are playing your...sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.
There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. D'you know what it says?
It says.... oh, now, now... settle it like gentlemen.
A game of Penis, Scissors, Twat.
Is that like Paper, Scissors, Stone?
N... They stole that from me. The question is, are you a man or are you a vagina? [Curtis stares in disbelief] Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.
JessCan you please stop saying "vagina"?
What d'you call yours? [Silence] Forget I asked.
All right, let's do this. Best out of three.
RCRudy and Curtis
One, two, three. [Curtis does scissors]
[Covers Curtis's hand with both hands] That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors!
Jess
[Alex walks in] Who's he?
Alex. He just started working here. Come on.
RCRudy and Curtis
One, two...
Jess
He is fucking gorgeous.
Whoa! Please! It's just, I find your objectification of men more than a little offensive. Yeah, and secondly, I thought we really had a bit of a "will they, won't they, yeah, they probably will sort of thing going on. I'm just...
Jess
Are... Are you actually mentally ill?
I could be, if... Is that your thing?
Jess
You need help. I need a piss.
[Rudy, Curtis and Jess are at blind people's clay modeling in the recreation centre atrium]
Yeah, well, more to the point, what if it isn't his shit?
Jess
Whose shit was it?
Right, well, he's got this door, keeps it locked. Keep hearing all this talking through it. Where the fuck's this dog he keeps going on about? I just think he's got some sort of...
[Approaches] We need to change things up. Ally's asked for a different model.
What? Why does she want a different model?
Are you questioning me? You don't get to question me, because as far as you're concerned, I am God. And you know what happens when you fuck with God. There is an almighty shitstorm. Now, swap with this bell-end, if you think you can manage it.
[Chuckles] D'you wanna know why she wanted to swap? Because even though she's blind, she can still see my inner beauty.
[Steps in front of Seth carrying box in locker room] Hi. I- I was just... How are you?
I'm all right, just getting Kelly's things.
Here's a... a purely... theoretical... hypothetical question. But say there was someone I... needed you to take a power from. [Whispers] How would that Work?
It wouldn't. I'm retired.
Retired? But you're so young and handsome. So much more to give.
No. [Curtis and Jess enters]
I think he's asking me to take someone's power.
Asking you "to take someone's power"? That's hilarious.
[Enters] Right! I know what is going on at home.
What d'you... what d'you mean? Your home?
Stop lying! It's wrote all over your monkey-ish...little face. There, there! There!
I kn... I know it looks bad... keeping someone a prisoner like that, and tying 'em up and making them shit in a bucket, but...it's not what you think. She's me girlfriend. Girlfriend! Girlfriend. I didn't see that coming. She's got a power. She can make me into a perfect boyfriend. Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it. I stopped drinking, I stopped... I stopped going out with me mates. All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering. The conversations. We had to discuss everything. Me jaw physically ached from all the talking. That and the hours of cunnilingus. I practically lived with me face between her thighs. Some days I felt like I didn't see the sun. Oh, man, that is just... There's no man that could live like that. A few weeks ago, she went to Ibiza with her friends, leaving me to deep-clean the flat. With her being away, her hold over me faded and... I realised what she was doing and I did the only thing I could do. I tied her up and gagged her. To stop her using her power on me.
Jess
Why didn't you just leave her?!
Jess
You can't just tie people up and keep 'em prisoner! It's weird and it's just fucking creepy.!
I was only doing it till I found a cure. Then we could be together again. It's gonna be like it was.
Jess
You don't think she's gonna be a tiny bit angry with you?
Maybe, at first. But what was I supposed to do? Just give up on her? It's easy to walk away, isn't it? I won't do that. We'll get through this, so you can fuck off judging me! You think this is easy? You think I'd do this if I didn't love her? Come round, wipe her arse. See how much fun that is. You have no idea. So fuck you's all!
You should probably know that the other me, he's gone round to your flat and he's... well, he's breaking into the room where you've got your girlfriend all tied up. D'you know, I thought it was a talking dog, me. [Laughs]
We've been together since we were 16. She was 15.
Jess
Technically, that makes it statutory rape, so that's nice.
She's the only girl I've ever been with. I don't know how to be with other girls. I only know how to be with her. You know the worst thing? I really miss her.
Jess
Why d'you wanna be with someone who wants to change you? If the only way that you two can make it work is either her using her power on you, or you keeping her tied up and making her shit in a bucket then you're probably not meant for each other.
That's not true. We're just going through a rough patch.
Jess
She is going to feed you your balls.
Oh, Jesus. [Sighs] I can't go home.
So where are you gonna live?
Well, we have found a spacious, rent-free home with a panoramic view of a lake.
Jess
You mean you're moving into the community centre.
[Points at her] There's no flies on you, is there? Clever. [Puts arms around Finn and shakes him] We're gonna be flatmates. Hmm? Hmm? No? Come on. And you two should move in with us. Imagine all of us living under same roof like one big, happy family... like The Waltons.
I see that happening, you fucking prick.
Well, that's a shame, and that's why you're never gonna be in The Waltons. I fucking love The Waltons, man. It's just, it's good, wholesome, family entertainment. I tell you, the cunts don't make telly like that any more.
[Watching cheerleaders practice] Oh, mate, that's excellent. Look at fresh meat. Look at the size of them.
Jess
Every woman you see, they're just a hole into which you can potentially insert your penis.
Three! There's three bloody holes in which I could potentially insert me penis.
Jess
How do we even belong to the same species?
As one wise twat once said, men are from Mars, and women... love a penis.
Jess
It's "from Venus".
Cha...! [Whispers] Spot the lesbian.
We forgot the remote control for the TV. There's no remote.
Jess
And to a guy, that's like losing a testicle.
It's like losing three testicles. We need to go round to Lisa's to get it. And by we, I mean you need to drive me round there.
Jess
And there's no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels?
Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.
Whoever your dad is, cheap bastard owes you for 21 friggin' birthdays! You know, the man's out there, he is just spraying his sperm around like it were friggin' confetti or summat like that. I tell you, the least he could do, [taps picture in newspaper] buy you a car. And that's not to mention all the friggin' Christmases he's missed as well. This little fella's gonna be balls deep in turkey this year,
Jess
D'you really think you can have a relationship with some guy you've never even met before? I'm telling you now.
He's me dad. We're blood, we're... Blood's thicker than wine. You know, as wanky as it might sound... [sighs] ... I'm going on a journey of self-discovery.
And... I'd appreciate it if I had a little bit of support.
Yeah, I just hope your dad's not tragically disappointed.
Why would he be disappointed?
Well, beca- [Greg appears] oh, dear.
Ohhh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe! [Points to Greg]
My office. NOW! [Leans into Rudy and whispers] We're going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee there will be tears. [Smiles] And they won't be mine.
Jess
[Pulls out walkman earbuds] Hi. Is that it? [Walks past him]
I- I'm sorry. [She turns around] I screwed up. It was nothing you did. I shouldn't have lied to you. I am a prick.
Jess
Mmm.
So what are you thinking?
Jess
I'm thinking I wanna hit you in the face.
Well, I think if that's gonna make you feel better, go ahead.
Jess
Fuck you.
I'm serious. If that's what it's gonna take for you to get over it... then hit me. I'll come down to your level. I'll make it easy for you. [Kneels to her and Jess strikes him] Oh! What the fuck?!
Jess
You told me to hit you!
Jess
Are you cr...? Are you crying?
No. My eyes are watering. Why did you go for the nose?
Jess
Oh, you...
What? ...Oh, shit! Sorry.
Jess
Yeah, well, so you fucking should be.
It's not funny! [She laughs] Do you wanna go out tomorrow night?
Okay. I'm gonna go round later.
Jess
Yeah?
Feels good, doin', you know, something for other people. We could go for a drink after.
Jess
Sorry, I can't. I'm meeting Alex.
Jess
You know Alex, from the bar.
I thought you were pissed off with him.
Jess
I was, but then I punched him in the face and he asked me out and I said yes.
Why don't you just kick me in the balls?
Jess
Why would I want to kick you in the balls?
Jess
Have fun with your sister. [Walks away]
Oh, shit. They're here. He doesn't waste any time, does he? Quick polish of his cock and then he's ready to roll.
Jess
Finn.
Play... Play it cool, play it cool. Hey! Hey, good to see you. Hi, Jess. Jess, this is me sister... [Grace and Jess shake hands] well, half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Jess. It's Alex, right? Yeah, I'm Finn. This is me sister... half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Alex. "From the bar".
Jess
What's with the speech marks?
No idea! [Chuckles sheepishly] So, how are you? How's it hanging, dawg? [Taps her one shoulder with her responding coldly]
Jess
Why are you being so weird?
What? Who's being weird? [Laughs sheepishly] Oh! She's always like this. You should see her when we're on community service. We have such a laugh. Don't we have a laugh?
Are you on community service? You told me you were studying engineering.
[Laughs awkwardly] Did I?
Jess
Well, this is awkward, so I'm going to the toilet.
You know what? Oh, I need a piss, too. Synchronized bladders.
Jess
What are you doin'?
Jess
What about him?
He's gay. And I'm pretty sure he's paying men for sex.
Jess
Finn. I'm here. Fuck off!
[Holds phone under washroom stall] Watch the video. Watch it... and tell me if you still think Alex, "from the bar", isn't gay. Well?
Jess
You... are really pathetic. D'you know that?
Jess
Mmm.
At least I'm not gay. Absolutely nothin' wrong with it. Unless... Unless you're pretending you're not gay so you can trick girls into having sex with you.
Jess
Why would anyone do that?
Jess
It's down the toilet. But don't worry, I didn't flush.
He's gay and you know it.
Jess
Nothing wrong with it.
Jess
Fuck off. [Walks away]
Jess
[In locker room] Just so you know, Alex, [does air quotes] "from the bar", is so not gay.
Great. I'm sure he'll make someone a lovely husband. Or, should I say, "civil partner".
Jess
[Does air quotes] "Twat"! The thing in the underground car park, he was buying some gear.
So he's a drug addict. He... he is quite a catch.
Jess
D'you know what? I really don't give a fuck what he was doing. What's going on?
Jess
Oh. God, I'm sorry, yeah?
[Lunges at Finn and slams him against locker and starts drawing on Finn's upper lip] You little bastard! Draw on my face, will you? You little shit!
Jess
Rudy, don't!
Fuck off! Little comedy Hitler mustache there.
Jess
Get off him! Rudy!
Jess
His fucking dad died!
Oh, dear God. I'm sorry. Shit.
Misfits · 556 quotes
