[Laughs and points at Finn's pants] Those are a mistake, by the way.
Light-coloured trousers. And listen, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
[In a mocking tone] "What's wrong with these?" We're about to enter a war zone, mate. Things'll get really messy. Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers, heads are going to get shaved. There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
Yes, there'll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging. This is Richard Saunders, do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders. He's a fucking lunatic. You know they used to call him Richard Two-Tabs? Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of frigging bed in the morning. So to summarize, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.
Well, they aren't chinos so...
[Sees Jess] Hiya. You all right?
All right? Are you ready for the carnage?
JessWhat you on about?
Oh, you'll see. You'll see what I'm on about. [Chuckles with a raised index finger]
Jess
Are we going to this party, or what?
There's no food. I think we should raid the funeral.
Jess
Can we just talk about the numbers?
Jess
46? Must have been one hell of a weekend. You could fill a coach with all those. A fuck bus.
It would be an awkward journey.
Jess
Mine... we could all fit inside a small car, something like a Vauxhall Corsa. We'd have a seat left over.
I know what you must think...
Jess
No, it's fine! You don't have to justify yourself to me!
I'm not that person any more.
Jess
We should keep drinking.
Jess
Okay. My round.
So... it turns out we've got something in common. Neither of us are slags.
Jess
Aha.
Maybe we should do a bit of bedroom mathematics. Find out if two can go into one.
Jess
If I'm two and I'm going into one, that would mean that I'm penetrating you.
It was a joke. God... Forget it.
Jess
I know you'd rather spend the evening talking to Mister HIV over there. [Nods head to Alex]
Jess
Finn, can we not do this tonight? [Walks away]
Oh, no. No, thank you. Are you all right?
[Jess attempts to seduce him in a secluded room] I... I don't think we should do this right now.
Jess
Just... don't.
Jess
You lead me on, then fuck me about!
No, it's... It's not like that.
Jess
Then what is it like?
Jess
Ohh... That's it?! That's all I'm getting, "it's complicated"? Or, maybe it's me. I take it there wasn't a problem with the other 46? Do you know what? I've had enough of you and your bullshit head games. [Walks away]
WWill
Sorry, but I need to ask... Why have you got a "2" on your head?
Jess
What, you've never seen a girl with a number drawn on her head? It's a fashion thing, you should try it.
Jess
You could definitely carry off a number, something like... a... 7'? Maybe a 9.
Jess
Not now.
There's something I need to tell you.
Jess
Fine, go ahead.
Can we go somewhere a bit more quiet?
Jess
Why? So you can just fuck me about and drop me when you feel like it?
WWill
Um... See you later.
Jess
Mmm. Great. Thanks. So, let me guess. You don't want me but no-one else can have me either? I had you so wrong. I thought you were this lovely, genuine guy. You're just like all the others.
Jess
What's going on with us?
Jess
We need to talk, because I'm really confused. [Alex starts taking off pants] What are you doing?
[Shows her penis-absent crotch] I wanted to tell you. But I didn't think you'd understand.
Jess
What happened? Is that? Were... Were you born like that?
I was in a club. Someone stole it from me.
Jess
They... They stole it?
Yeah, it was a girl. A bloke. A transgender bloke. She wanted to be a man. She had a power. So she... took it from me. We... We swapped.
Jess
Holy shit!
My cock is out there somewhere. It's mine. And I'm gonna get it back. So now you know... why we can't be together. [They kiss passionately]
Right, now then. [Points to an unresponsive Abbey on locker room floor] Prime example about the whole Nadine thing, right? Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl, normally I... would be thinking... [crouches over Abbey's face] balls on face. But nothing.
Yeah. Dude, but not in a bloody creepy way, mate. In a... you know, like... 'Ey, dude... let's put our balls on each other's faces. For banter, though. Funny. [Abbey wakes up and drinks a sip from a beer can] Yes! Respect, straight back on it.
[Walks in] Who the fuck are you?
[To Finn] What's she doing here? Did you fuck her? Is that what happened?
[Walks up to Finn and leans in] Did you fuck her in here? The smell of the sweat and the feel of the cold, hard tiles on your knees.
Better not have. What's she doing?
She's on community service.
Well, n- no- one told me.
Yeah, well, I'm telling you now.
[Puts hand behind Finn's head] You're responsible for her. If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I'll fuck you up all the way to fuck.
You can start by cleaning the shit out of the community centre. [Leans into Abbey] Have fun.
That is our... that is our probation worker. He's bloody highly strung and he's very angry and I just think there's a lot of pain there, to be honest with you.
Well, good look with it all.
What are you doing? You heard what he said, he's going to fuck me up all the way to fuck. And... I don't even know what that means, but it's not good.
Please just help us out for today. I- I'll sort something out, I'll get you out of it, I'll... I'll fake your death.
Where do I get a jumpsuit?
[Opens locker to jumpsuit] Yes, there.
Oh, hello! Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?
Jess
Fuck off.
So is that it then? You and Alex, are you together? Boyfriend and girlfriend?
Jess
Yeah, Finn. We swapped friendship bracelets and then we went to the cinema and he touched me up. [To Abbey] Are you on community service?
[Snatches phone from Jess] Whoa! Post-op transgender genitalia, what! God, man, I always knew there was summat dodgy going on behind that sweet little face of yours. Not this shit, though, dude. Not chicks with dicks.
Jess
Give it to me.
Jess
Give it back.
To be honest with you, you've gone up in my estimation somehow.
Jess
I'm not looking at them to get turned on.
Shit, what are you going to do? Are you going to get a dick put on?
Jess
Yeah. That's exactly what I'm doing, I'm going to get a dick put on.
Jess
Well, I've always wanted a dick so I just thought, "What am I waiting for, "let's get a dick."
Fuckin' hell! Ohh... that's amazing. So what do they do? I mean, do you buy a dick or does someone donate you one?
Jess
You have to order them. You just tell them what colour you want, how long you want it and you go for a couple of fittings and they just stitch it on.
That's amazing. Isn't it?
Jess
Hmm-mm.
I'm going to be honest with you, though, the thought of you with your big floppy cock has kind of put me off my prawn cocktail crisps a bit!
Jess
[Takes bag from him] I'll have them. Bastard.
Jess
Why wouldn't I come? Oh, what, do you really think I'm that shallow?
Well, it must have been weird for you.
Jess
It's no big deal. All right, okay, it was a bit weird for both of us. I just know I don't wanna stop seeing you.
Look, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? It's not going to be like this for ever. I promise.
Jess
So, do I get some free drinks, then? Because if I'm not, what is the point in going out with a barman? [Scoffs]
I'd always thought I'd marry a girl called Nadine, man.
So, guess what happened to me. Oh, my God. I know. It's totally fucked. I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power. Next thing, I'm pregnant, she's not. Tried to run after her, couldn't catch her. It's fucking heavy.
[Reaches over to touch her pregnancy bump] Can I... [Finn slaps Rudy's hand]
All the times I've shagged people and never got pregnant. I go for a quiet dump and then this happens.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Gonna find her and I'm gonna shove this baby right up her arse. [Laughs] Someone get me a vodka tonic. [Finn points to her abdomen] Whoa. You're kidding me. It... It's such bullshit. I'll have lemonade.
[Sits at bar besides Jess] Hey, listen. If you ev... [slips and comes up] If you ever need any advice on dicks, or dick maintenance... shit, you know where I am.
Jess
Great, I will definitely take you up on that.
Not a problem. For example, I have a pretty brutal grooming regime. Moisturize my balls twice a day, keeps the wrinkles at bay. Constant battle, though. [Chuckles]
Jess
Wow. Please, talk to me more about your balls.
You're being sarcastic, aren't you? Fuckin'... I'm pretty... Are you being sarcastic? I'm pretty... pretty sure you're being sarcastic. What does the sexy barman think about all this?
Jess
Eh? About what?
About the old switcheroo. Fuckin' sex change.
Jess
He... He doesn't know. He doesn't need to know.
What do you... What do you mean? You're just gonna bloody surp... [looks over shoulder and back at her, in softer tone] you're just gonna surprise him? "Oh, fuckin' happy birthday. I've got a friggin' cock"? That is... That's horrible That's disgraceful. I've never heard anything like it in my life. I'm gonna tell him.
Jess
Don't you fucking dare!
Jess
He's got... He's got a fanny.
What? [Scoffs and stammers] He's got a what?
Jess
A vagina.
Jess
Someone stole it from him. [Rudy snorts] They did a swap.
Can't believe it. Alex the barman.
Jess
He's got a mangina. If you tell anyone, I will fuck you up. Do you understand me?
It's one of these flats up here. It's going up her arse.
Ha-ha. Hey, I had the most amazing dream about Nadine last night.
[Feels baby kick in womb] Ow. He just kicked me.
Jess
How'd you know it's a him?
I don't know, just feels like a him.
I'll tell you summat else Nadine said, and all.
No offence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?
It's all you've gone on about all day. Nadine, Nadine, Nadine. It is really fucking boring.
Usually when I meet a girl, it's... it's just, it's all down here. It's dick-based. I mean, honestly, I tried putting on a bit of grot this morning. A bit of girl-on-girl. Scissoring, all that, just clear my mind a bit. So sweet. It's the first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I... I don't know where to find her, do I? Let's go shove a baby up a girl's arse, shall we?
Right, for fuck's sake. Abbey, come on!
Jess
[Following Jess] What are you doing?
I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.
You can't keep somebody else's baby.
What, you don't think I can look after it?
No, to be honest with you, not really.
Jess
Why would you even want another woman's baby?
[Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.
Jess
What, are you like an orphan?
No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.
D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.
Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat
[Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]
[To Alex and Jess] You all right?
Look at 'em. The happy couple.
I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.
[To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?
What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?
He's got both, like a worm?
Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.
Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.
[Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?
Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?
Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.
So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.
Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]
Misfits · 556 quotes
