Is it just me, or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?
I'm going to die in a freezer on my first day of community service. I thought I'd have kids, grow old and ugly. I'd die in my sleep with all my family around me.
I always thought I'd die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing. I'm off me head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she's horribly disfigured. Sadie?
Me dog. If I die, who's going to feed me dog? Are you dying?
I... I really need a wee. I have a small bladder.
Don't mind me, if you want to...
I'm not going to piss myself in front of you.
What if we piss ourselves in front of each other? There's no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize? On the count of three?
Oh, this can't be happening.
Are you pissing in your pants or are you getting it out?
I'll be pissing in my pants.
Okay! I'm going to just... There he is. All right? Here we go. On three...
Will you please just shut the fuck up and let me piss myself?
I really hope you don't need a shit. [Rudy and Seth open freezer door and dump in Michael]
What are you doing?! We don't know anything about any briefcase!
We just want to go home and watch Countdown! I've got a dog!
We're going to die in here.
What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their community service?
RudyI believe you'll find there's no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there?
[Walking on recreation centre promenade up to Greg] Who are you?
I'm your new probation worker.
How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?
Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?
[Scoffs] I mean, well, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge.
Is it okay if I leave early? I've got a dog at home. I need to let her out for a shit.
[Starts laughing with community servers smiling] Have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?
Rudy
No.
And his probation worker...
Rudy
Go on.
[His composure becomes stern] He hunted him down... he pinned him to the floor... and he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon. I'm sure she can wait. You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. [Mimics sound of steam engine train] I think we'll get along great. And you... I really like you.
Rudy
Huh. Whatever.
Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
Why did he single me out? Why me?
Rudy
Well, don't sweat it, man. Chances are he'll be dead by the end of week.
Rudy
So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like, "When are you going to pay your rent?" And I was all like, "I ain't going to pay it and what are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes. Cause they've kicked me out of me flat and they've repossessed it.
Rudy
Oh! So, I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo. I get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers. When I say hers. Have you ever shagged a homeless girl?
Rudy
It's like camping. Honestly, reminded me of being a boy scout. Looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there. While she... Oh, she sat on my face. Where am I going with this? Can I stay at your for an indefinite period of time, rent-free, please?
I'm very tempted. Um... I guess my question is would we get to have regular sex?
Rudy
That could certainly be arranged. [Pause] You're being... get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read. Dude, you can't have me wandering the streets, man. D'you know what happened to the Littlest Hobo? He got raped. I'm making that up, he didn't get raped. It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?! "Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc..." [Finn comes in locker room] Whoa! What time do you call this?
I- I had to take me dog to the vet.
Rudy
Did you? Did you now? Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars. Oh, dude, I'm joking. Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ. [Laughs sheepishly]
What's that on your neck?
Nothing. It's all scratched. It's a scratch. People get scratched all the time. It happens.
What have you been doing?
Maybe he was trying to hang himself.
Why would I try and hang myself?
Rudy
Because you are short. [Walking out] Don't do it.
This is a sculpting class for the blind. And you, God help them, will be their models.
Rudy
[To Jess in a seducing manner] Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
That zip goes down one more inch and me and you are gonna go toe-to-toe.
Rudy
Denied.
They might not be able to see you, but I can. I can see into your souls.
Rudy
You are bang out of order, mate!
Rudy
Because you're exploiting her disabilities and y- you are playing your...sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.
Rudy
There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. D'you know what it says?
Rudy
It says.... oh, now, now... settle it like gentlemen.
Rudy
A game of Penis, Scissors, Twat.
Is that like Paper, Scissors, Stone?
Rudy
N... They stole that from me. The question is, are you a man or are you a vagina? [Curtis stares in disbelief] Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.
Can you please stop saying "vagina"?
Rudy
Yes.
What d'you call yours? [Silence] Forget I asked.
All right, let's do this. Best out of three.
RCRudy and Curtis
One, two, three. [Curtis does scissors]
Rudy
[Covers Curtis's hand with both hands] That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors!
[Alex walks in] Who's he?
Alex. He just started working here. Come on.
RCRudy and Curtis
One, two...
Rudy
Whoa! Please! It's just, I find your objectification of men more than a little offensive. Yeah, and secondly, I thought we really had a bit of a "will they, won't they, yeah, they probably will sort of thing going on. I'm just...
Are... Are you actually mentally ill?
Rudy
I could be, if... Is that your thing?
You need help. I need a piss.
I've just remembered, I need to go home, to let the dog out. [Runs away]
Rudy
[Spews his drink] Fuck, man! Dude, that is a euphemism if ever I heard one! Let your dog out! Let it off the leash, let it off, grr! See you tomorrow.
Rudy
[Finn opens front door] Evening. Ha!
Rudy
In the neighbourhood.
How d'you know where I live?
Rudy
Instinct.
Instinct... That was a lie, that.
Rudy
Here's the thing, I followed you home. I figured that if I just turn up on your doorstep, you'd have absolutely no choice but to let me stay, so... psychology, it's clever.
Rudy
You don't mean that.
Rudy
I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear it. Invite me in, you little prick. [Forcing his way in a fight]
Rudy
I'm inviting me!
Rudy
I'm reinviting me!
Get off! Get off me! You're on me!
Rudy
[In hall] Thank you. Invitation accepted. [Notices door with multiple locks] Is that mine there, with all the bolts and padlocks on it?
No. That's, er... It's that one down there.
Rudy
Put the kettle on, then.
Rudy
[In hall drinking a mug meeting Finn holding a bucket] Morning.
I thought you were asleep.
Rudy
Yeah, well... the early bird catches the worm. [Notices bucket Finn is holding]
I like to shit in a bucket.
Rudy
Well, that's... strange.
It's my flat. I can shit where I like. I should probably flush it. It's a bit of a stinky one.
[Rudy, Curtis and Jess are at blind people's clay modeling in the recreation centre atrium]
Rudy
Yeah, well, more to the point, what if it isn't his shit?
Rudy
Right, well, he's got this door, keeps it locked. Keep hearing all this talking through it. Where the fuck's this dog he keeps going on about? I just think he's got some sort of...
[Approaches] We need to change things up. Ally's asked for a different model.
What? Why does she want a different model?
Are you questioning me? You don't get to question me, because as far as you're concerned, I am God. And you know what happens when you fuck with God. There is an almighty shitstorm. Now, swap with this bell-end, if you think you can manage it.
Rudy
[Chuckles] D'you wanna know why she wanted to swap? Because even though she's blind, she can still see my inner beauty.
Rudy
[Softly] Jess?
Rudy
Lovely blind Ally with her shiny hair, she smells of roses. No.
She asked to change models cause I'm black. She's a racist.
Rudy
She's blind. I think it... That cancels it out, does it not cancel...?
There ain't no canceling out. What about Stevie Wonder?
Rudy
Blind and black, you idiot. [Points at Curtis] Ebony and [points to self] ivory. Why can't we all just sit together? In perfect harmony! With... [sings] Paul McCartney... [normal voice] who was a vegan. [Laughs] He weren't a racist.
I've no fucking idea what you're talking about.
Rudy
Stevie Wonder. Old...wobbly head, that's me way in.
Rudy
To curing her of her terrible racism. [Curtis stares in stunned silence]
[Steps in front of Seth carrying box in locker room] Hi. I- I was just... How are you?
I'm all right, just getting Kelly's things.
Here's a... a purely... theoretical... hypothetical question. But say there was someone I... needed you to take a power from. [Whispers] How would that Work?
It wouldn't. I'm retired.
Retired? But you're so young and handsome. So much more to give.
No. [Curtis and Jess enters]
I think he's asking me to take someone's power.
Asking you "to take someone's power"? That's hilarious.
Rudy
[Enters] Right! I know what is going on at home.
What d'you... what d'you mean? Your home?
Rudy
Stop lying! It's wrote all over your monkey-ish...little face. There, there! There!
I kn... I know it looks bad... keeping someone a prisoner like that, and tying 'em up and making them shit in a bucket, but...it's not what you think. She's me girlfriend. Girlfriend! Girlfriend. I didn't see that coming. She's got a power. She can make me into a perfect boyfriend. Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it. I stopped drinking, I stopped... I stopped going out with me mates. All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering. The conversations. We had to discuss everything. Me jaw physically ached from all the talking. That and the hours of cunnilingus. I practically lived with me face between her thighs. Some days I felt like I didn't see the sun. Oh, man, that is just... There's no man that could live like that. A few weeks ago, she went to Ibiza with her friends, leaving me to deep-clean the flat. With her being away, her hold over me faded and... I realised what she was doing and I did the only thing I could do. I tied her up and gagged her. To stop her using her power on me.
Why didn't you just leave her?!
You can't just tie people up and keep 'em prisoner! It's weird and it's just fucking creepy.!
I was only doing it till I found a cure. Then we could be together again. It's gonna be like it was.
You don't think she's gonna be a tiny bit angry with you?
Maybe, at first. But what was I supposed to do? Just give up on her? It's easy to walk away, isn't it? I won't do that. We'll get through this, so you can fuck off judging me! You think this is easy? You think I'd do this if I didn't love her? Come round, wipe her arse. See how much fun that is. You have no idea. So fuck you's all!
Rudy
You should probably know that the other me, he's gone round to your flat and he's... well, he's breaking into the room where you've got your girlfriend all tied up. D'you know, I thought it was a talking dog, me. [Laughs]
You sick psycho! It wasn't a talking dog! Dude, it was his girlfriend. He's had her tied up. You've had her pooing in a bucket!
RRudy
Yes, and with very good reason. She has been abusing him, she's been pussy-whipping the hell out of him, man.
She was having trouble walking. Her legs weren't working properly. They've gone all wobbly,you've had her tied down for so long. I rang her a taxi and, er... well, she's gone, man.
RRudy
I'll go and stick the kettle on.
Misfits · 556 quotes
