Rudy Wade quotes from Misfits

Curtis

I can bring her back. If that's what you want?

Kelly

She's dead. She wouldn't want to be a zombie.

Rudy

Don't. Don't do that.

Simon

This is where I go back. It all has to happen exactly like it happened.

Kelly

What are you talking about?

Simon

It was me. I was the guy in the mask.

Kelly

You're fucking serious?

Curtis

But... but you were there when... when he was there.

Simon

At the start, it was my future self. He died... and I became him. I'm going to need to get some new powers.

So he's got to go back in time, he's got to fall in love with Alisha... then she dies, and they're gonna be stuck doing it over and over again, for all eternity?

Kelly

I think it's dead romantic.

Is it, though?! I mean, what are we supposed to feel; happy or sad?

Curtis

It's a bit of both.

Right.

So... [sobs and laughs simulataneously] I'm not very good with your mixed emotions. I'm just going with happy.

We're never gonna see them again, are we?

What's the matter with you?

You really know how to bring a man down, don't you, eh?

Curtis

So, what do we do now?

Kelly

Keep our heads down, finish community service and live happily ever after.

Yeah, well, I love a happy ending.

[Rudy is in office fondling to online porn] Oh, yes! Fuck me harder! Oh, yes, I like it when you do that! [Finn and Jess enter office and Rudy sits up]

Rudy

Who are you?

Finn

We're here for our community service.

Jess

Who are you?

Rudy

I am your probation worker.

Fuck this tight little asshole! [Rudy attempts to turn it off unsuccessfully]

Rudy

That's not... That is just wrong. That is not how... That's not how God intended it. Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.

Oh, yes!

Rudy

Wow.

Oh, it's so hard!

Rudy

This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...

Oh, yes! My shit tastes so good on your cock!

Rudy

[Turns off monitor] Somebody's daughter! [Holds out a bag] Want a nacho?

Seth

This isn't going to end well for ya. You've already lost a hand. There's only so many limbs a guy can do without. Give me the combination for the briefcase... and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea.

Michael

Fuck you.

Seth

[Answers phone] What?

Rudy

[Watching Finn and Jess] I think we might have a problem.

Finn

I was just getting a Bounty.

Rudy

Whereas I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat.

Jess

We need to get that guy out of the freezer.

Seth

[Rudy opens door to office to Seth torturing Michael] What's going on?

Rudy

Well, either there's a fire, or someone's attempting to fuck with us! Stay with him!

Finn

What was that? That didn't sound good.

Rudy

Shit!

Finn

[Jess unlocks and opens freezer door to discover Curtis unresponsive] Okay, so the probation worker keeps a guy locked in a freezer. It's certainly unusual.

Jess

Is he dead?

Finn

He looks dead. If we go now, we can still catch the start of Countdown. [Jess leans to touch his neck and Curtis wakes up, hits Finn in the face, leaps out of freezer and grabs Jess]

Curtis

Who are you?!

Jess

What?!

Curtis

He sent you, didn't he?! Where's the briefcase? Where's the case?!

Jess

I don't know! I don't know anything about any case!

Finn

[Holding nose] You're welcome! This is why you should never get involved. Not so much as a thank you! [Tilts head back]

Rudy

You've let him out! Jesus! You shouldn't have done that!

Jess

What the fuck is going on?

Rudy

[Hand motions in front] Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit, [Hand motions to his right] and over here we have a great big fan. [Hand motions to his left] Shit, and then [Hand motions to his right] you've got the fan... [Hand motions in front] thbbt!

Rudy

[Hands Finn and Jess drinks] I'm going to level with you. Hmm? So prepare to be shocked, huh? Surprised... and more than a little bit amazed. For I am not, in fact, your probation worker. Pfft!

Jess

Really? No shit? You should think about becoming an actor.

Rudy

I know! I know. I know. Just check this out. The truth is, like you. I am also on community service. It all started yesterday. [Hallway scene with voiceover] There we were, we were all gathered around the vending machine after another arse-numbingly boring day.

Seth

Our mate Seth had just come back from Africa and he had quite a story to tell. so we end up traveling to Uganda. And we're in this village and some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he's dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.

Curtis

Kelly? She defused a mine?

Rudy

The villagers love her out there, man. They're all singing and dancing... Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet and savoury, it's man's eternal dilemma. So, anyway, I'm just back to get our stuff. Kelly's fucking off her community service. We're going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She's not coming back.

Rudy

Who?

Seth

Kelly.

Rudy

What?! She's not coming...? When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I'm going to get some chocolate because I'm very upset. [Michael bursts in front doors bleeding and limping holding briefcase]

Rudy

Dude? You all right, mate?

Michael

They're all after it. It's my money...

Seth

So this money he's talking about must be in the briefcase.

Curtis

It's got a combination lock.

Rudy

Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and a chisel, bust it open?

Curtis

If you open it without the combination, it activates one of these dye-pack things. It stains the money. It's unusable.

Rudy

Since when did you become such a bloody expert?

Curtis

I watch a lot of heist movies.

Rudy

I can't get into them. There's too many twists and turns. I like a nice, straightforward Western. There must be a key for those handcuffs. [They all frantically search man for key and man groans]

Curtis

Shut up. [They do not find a key]

Rudy

I've got a brilliant idea. Why don't you two go home, hmm? Kick back, just chill out. I'll selflessly stay here. I'm gonna take care of our injured friend. Just call me Nurse Rudy. [Chuckles]

Curtis

He's a big guy. If he needs a crap, it'll take two of us to take him to the toilet. Why don't I stay here and give you a hand?

Rudy

Really? It's cool. I'll just let him shit his pants.

Seth

I was trained by St. John's fuckin' Ambulance so, if anyone's staying, I should stay.

Rudy

Well, that settles it, then. It's a sleepover, isn't it?

Rudy

[Seth is unsettled] Excalibur... stop making me do things... that I don't want to do. Ohh! Goodness me.

Seth

[Shines flashlight at Rudy] Are you knocking one out?

Rudy

No. It's just a quick cheeky one, get me to sleep. I have to feed the monster, man. Tell him.

Curtis

It's a sedative, innit? Just hurry up and finish, man.

Rudy

Fucking...Barbara!

Jess

You are going to go blind.

Rudy

That's what me old headmaster, Mr Gibbons, used to say to me, until some nasty little shit threw sulphuric acid into his face. Who's laughing, [points to face with both hands] and seeing, now? 'Cause it's not him.

Jess

Just get on with it, you silly little prick!

Rudy

Whoa! I'm a storyteller, love. I'm merely trying to paint a vivid picture for me audience here.

Curtis

[Walks into store room and finds Michael's body with his left hand dismemebered] Where's the briefcase? Which one of you fuckers took the case?!

Seth

I don't know anything about it. How do we know you didn't take the case?

Curtis

'Cause I know what I did and didn't do, and I know I didn't take the case. [Spots Rudy pointing at him and grabs him by shirt] It was you, wasn't it?!

Rudy

So, you think I've crept in here in the middle of the night while you were sleeping and I've cut his hand off with a hacksaw?

Curtis

I think that's exactly what you did.

Rudy

Do you? All right, then, genius. If I took the case, then why am I still here? [Turns head to Curtis] Sorry, what?! What was that?! [Taps Curtis forehead] Not as clever as you think, are you? Smackdown!

Curtis

You're still here because you need the combination to the briefcase, and this guy is the only one who has it!

Rudy

All right, yeah, that's a good point.

Seth

So, whoever did take the case is probably close by waiting for Stumpy to regain consciousness.

Rudy

Also true.

Curtis

We need to search the community centre.

Rudy

Oh, you beat me to it. I was just about to say that.

Curtis

It was Seth. He took the case, didn't he?

Rudy

Why do you say that?

Curtis

I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He's sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about you behind your back. He's all this; [mimics Seth] His cock's like a little fuckin' slug.

Rudy

Did he... Did he say that?

Curtis

Mm-hm.

Rudy

What? Has he seen... Has he seen my cock? Well, what are you saying?

Curtis

I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [They clink drink cans in pride over plan]

Finn

[Scene becomes office] So, you were going to drug this guy Seth, but it was Curtis... He was the one in the freezer?

Jess

You seem just as obsessed with the briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.

Rudy

All right, you've... you've got me. Busted. I believe I am what is commonly referred to as an unreliable narrator. Mmm? See, Curtis was right. I did sneak out in the middle of the night white they were dreaming their happy little dreams.

Rudy

So, having gone to investigate the mysterious noise, I returned to the room... only to find... that the case had vanished. So, I go back to sleep... well, I slipped in a cheeky little sunrise wank, and then I acted all dumb, yeah? Innocent. And do you know what? You were right, mate. It wasn't me and Curtis having a little chat by the vending machine. It was me and Seth. [Scene becomes hallway] It was Curtis. He's the one who took the case, isn't he?

Seth

Why do you say that?

Rudy

I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He is sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It's all this. [Mimics Curtis] Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit?

Seth

He said that about Kelly?

Rudy

Huh...

Seth

Two-faced bastard. So, what are you saying?

Rudy

I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [Scene becomes office] How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... "Cahoots" is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the community centre this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they're on community service. Can you see where I'm going with all this?

Finn

You lost me at "cahoots".

Jess

Unbelievable. He's spiked our drinks. No! [Drops glass on floor]

Finn

When was this?

Rudy

Let's not beat ourselves up about it. I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you with me devious cunning, for I have been spinning you a yarn this whole time, just waiting for the drugs to kick in, which should be right about now-ish. [Finn sits on couch and Jess sits in chair] Easy. Go with it. Just let it wash over you. It's like a gentle autumn breeze. [Jess keels over and Rudy sits on couch besides Finn, puts arm on his shoulders] Ooh... Eh? Sleepy-time for Bobos. [Kisses him on head]

Seth

I've done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end.

Rudy

What did he say?

Seth

He said "ouch" and "fuck you".

Rudy

So, what do we do with him?

Seth

Put him on ice until he's ready to talk.