Rudy Wade quotes from Misfits

Finn

It's over. She's never coming back. I've lost her. I was so fucking stupid... and now she's gone. I dunno what to do.

Rudy

Hmm? Oh, come on! Look on the bright side. Cos in the not-too-distant future, I'm pretty sure I am gonna be having sex with a beautiful blind girl. [Laughs]

Rudy

[Eating an egg sandwich in kitchen and sees Sadie appear in doorway] Oh, hello! [The eggs fall from sandwich onto floor] Me yolks! That's a tragedy!

Where's Finn?!

Rudy

[Points and shouts] You stay away from him! D'you hear me? Uncle Rudy knows all about you! If I had it my way, I'd have just left you tied to that bed, shitting in a bucket. One sec. [Scoops up egg yolks from floor with spatula] Up you come, my beauties. Good as new. [Reinserts egg yolks into sandwich, blows on it and resumes eating]

What are you doing in my flat?!

Rudy

I am staying here, for an indefinite period, rent free!

Finn

Have a guess where I spent last night?

Rudy

Oh! Did you get a photo of her little furry friend while she was sleeping?

Finn

What? No! Nothing happened. Well, I say nothing. I did get a little cheeky flash of nipple when she was wearing her pyjamas. Which got me thinking about other girls, moving on. A little flash of nipple. Maybe that's all it takes. Which is actually really pathetic.

Rudy

Nipples. [Sighs] Little pink devils.

Finn

What's goin' on?

Rudy

Your girlfriend's kicked me out the flat. She's got quite the temper on her, hasn't she? [Laughs]

Finn

Sadie? She's at the flat?

Rudy

Yep. She is not an happy bunny.

Curtis

So where are you gonna live?

Rudy

Well, we have found a spacious, rent-free home with a panoramic view of a lake.

Jess

You mean you're moving into the community centre.

Rudy

[Points at her] There's no flies on you, is there? Clever. [Puts arms around Finn and shakes him] We're gonna be flatmates. Hmm? Hmm? No? Come on. And you two should move in with us. Imagine all of us living under same roof like one big, happy family... like The Waltons.

Curtis

I see that happening, you fucking prick.

Rudy

Well, that's a shame, and that's why you're never gonna be in The Waltons. I fucking love The Waltons, man. It's just, it's good, wholesome, family entertainment. I tell you, the cunts don't make telly like that any more.

Rudy

[Watching cheerleaders practice] Oh, mate, that's excellent. Look at fresh meat. Look at the size of them.

Jess

Every woman you see, they're just a hole into which you can potentially insert your penis.

Rudy

Three! There's three bloody holes in which I could potentially insert me penis.

Jess

How do we even belong to the same species?

Rudy

As one wise twat once said, men are from Mars, and women... love a penis.

Jess

It's "from Venus".

Rudy

Cha...! [Whispers] Spot the lesbian.

How do they expect us to survive on single benefits when there's two of us?

Rudy

I'm not sure the benefit system was designed for situations like ours. Go and see Mum and Dad. See if you can't guilt-trip them into giving you some money. Steal if you have to. Dad usually keeps a couple of quid under that... crappy polar bear paperweight thing. Look, I'm not your slave. Go and get some crisps. Cheese and onion.

Rudy

I get it. Will you... what's wrong with me toothbrush?

Rudy

I'm sharing with Finn.

Rudy

Does he need to know that?

Look, you take care of your teeth and I'll take care of mine.

Rudy

You really are a petty, selfish little man. There's no crisps for you. Just fuck off.

[Mutters] Yeah.

Rudy

Fuck it.

I'll be Rudy Too - T, double O, because I am." You fucking...

Rudy

What, did you forget something? Is that a ukulele? What the bloody hell are you doing with that?

You know them things remind me of him. Yeah, well, when you're locked in a prison cell 23 hours a day, there's not much else to do than masturbate and play ukulele.

Rudy

What? No hug? What are you doing here?

I came to see you. I feel the least you owe me is an apology for getting me sent down.

Rudy

I don't know what you're talking about, mate.

You two sent me out to get us some Curly Wurlys. The police just so happened to know exactly where I'd be.

Rudy

You're a fucking psychopath. You're a liability, mate. You nearly battered that guy half to death.

I taught him a valuable lesson.

Rudy

You bit his frigging ear off.

Well, he should've listened to me. What's the point in having ears if you're not gonna use 'em?

Rudy

Yeah, what about his nose?

His nose was just for the comedy. I've got a present for you.

Rudy

Have you?

I believe this is yours. [Holds out three chocolate bars]

Rudy

Ah, you're all right. I've gone off them. They're...they're very sugary. You know...

Take it. Take it!

Rudy

I don't want to.

[Screams with excess spit spraying] TAKE THE FUCKING CANDY BAR! Take it! Take it, take it!

Rudy

Fuck it. [Takes the candy bars]

What do you say?

Rudy

Thank you.

That wasn't so bad, was it?!

Rudy

Please, please...

Bye-bye.

Curtis

Has any of you seen Lola? The trainee probation worker?

Finn

Do we have a trainee probation worker? Nobody tells me anything. I'm outside the loop.

Rudy

Shh. Listen, if she's cute... Dude, I saw her first, so legally that is first dibs.

Curtis

You don't even know who I'm talking about.

Rudy

Whoever your dad is, cheap bastard owes you for 21 friggin' birthdays! You know, the man's out there, he is just spraying his sperm around like it were friggin' confetti or summat like that. I tell you, the least he could do, [taps picture in newspaper] buy you a car. And that's not to mention all the friggin' Christmases he's missed as well. This little fella's gonna be balls deep in turkey this year,

Jess

D'you really think you can have a relationship with some guy you've never even met before? I'm telling you now.

Rudy

He's me dad. We're blood, we're... Blood's thicker than wine. You know, as wanky as it might sound... [sighs] ... I'm going on a journey of self-discovery.

Finn

And... I'd appreciate it if I had a little bit of support.

Rudy

Yeah, I just hope your dad's not tragically disappointed.

Finn

Why would he be disappointed?

Rudy

Well, beca- [Greg appears] oh, dear.

Greg

Ohhh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe! [Points to Greg]

Rudy

Oh, fuck!

Greg

My office. NOW! [Leans into Rudy and whispers] We're going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee there will be tears. [Smiles] And they won't be mine.

Greg

So why do you think he did it? Why did Curtis... blow his brains out in a disused factory?

Rudy

I honestly couldn't tell you, mate.

Greg

Let's get... one thing straight, right? I am not and I never will be... your mate.

Rudy

Oh, come on, that's a bit of a tragedy, innit?! For you! Because I think if you... Only kidding. That's not... [Mutters] Cor, you're very intense.

Greg

Oh, you want intense?

Rudy

No.

Greg

[Clears throat] I'll give you intense. I'll give you the intense sensation of me skull-fucking your living brain.

Rudy

No. Come on.

Greg

Come on. Since Curtis's death, have you suffered from overwhelming feelings of loss and despair?

Rudy

No? [seriously after Greg gives him a look] No, I haven't.

Greg

Are you fucking sure about that?

Rudy

Yes? [Clears throat] Yes.

Rudy

[About Finn's dad] Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking, you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?

Finn

I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. I mean, some people might say that was a little insensitive.

Rudy

Well. What's your sister like?!

Finn

You are clearly not one of those people.

Rudy

Yes, that's brilliant. Using your dad's cancerous tumors to get into her knickers, mate!

Finn

I'm not- I wasn't using his tumors.

Rudy

Absolutely brilliant. I have rubbed myself off on you, haven't I? You've been like a tiny little bird, right? And I've been nurturing, I've just been feeding you a little pipette of breast milk, like that. And you've gone and grown up. Now you're flying away, aren't you? Off into the distance.

Rudy

[In locker room] Right, so your new dad... craps in a bag? People are strange, mate.

Finn

You should see him. He's all, like...

Rudy

Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking... you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?

Finn

I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. You know, some people might say that was a little insensitive.

Rudy

Oh. What's your sister like?

Finn

You are clearly not one of those people.

Rudy

I meant as a person! I'm just thinking your sister needs a little bit of something to take her mind of things. By something, I mean... I know what you...! I know what you mean.

Finn

Oh.

Greg

[Appears] Who's dying?

Finn

Me new dad. He's not new, as in... [Greg does a facial tick and Rudy walks away] new to me.

Greg

[Sighs and walks up to Finn] D'you know how I felt when my dad died?

Finn

No.

Greg

Take a guess.

Finn

Sad?

Greg

I was fucking ecstatic. Guy was a miserable, judgemental prick. Danced a happy little jig on his grave. [Dances a jig and leans into Finn] You think about that... when you're out there scrubbing off graffiti and scraping up dog shit.

Finn

Okay. Will do.

Grace

I hate to say it, but I think she's probably gonna take him back to his flat... and fuck his brains out. You really like her, don't you?

Finn

I always have done. Ever since me first day on community service. She acts all tough and she's not. And I know I can make her happy. You don't wanna listen to this.

Grace

To be honest, it's nice to think about something other than Dad. I don't get out much.

Finn

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Grace

What's that?

Rudy

[Drops in] Oh, hello! I'm Rudy! It's nice to meet you! 'Ey, I bet he's been telling you all sorts about me, hasn't he? What's he been saying? What've you told her, you, you shit?

Grace

He hasn't said anything.

Rudy

Has he not? That's interesting. That's very interesting indeed.

Rudy

Nice one. She's lovely. Very nice and generous. [Softly] She's very cute, mate. Very cute. She smells of strawberries and cream.

Finn

I forbid you to even talk to her.

Rudy

I have popped in to say hello, all right, and to tell you how sorry I am about your dad. No-one's more upset about this than me.

Finn

Please don't fuck me sister.

Rudy

I'd love to help you, but unfortunately, I am... I'm genetically programmed to fuck people's sisters. It's the way the Lord made me. Can't be helped, dude. [Notices Grace flirting with a muscular man at bar] Who the fuck is that clown?

Rudy

Eh?

Finn

What? What?!

Rudy

Are you just gonna sit there and let some friggin' Neanderthal treat your sister like a piece of meat?! Worse... It's worse than a piece of meat! He's treating her like a piece of fish!

Finn

She looks like she's enjoying herself.

Rudy

Will she still be enjoying herself, I wonder, when you're taking her down the AIDS clinic?

Finn

Jesus, what did you have to say that for?

Rudy

Ugh.

Finn

You really think I should go over there?

Rudy

Mmm.

Finn

Is? Is that what brothers do?

Rudy

Well, yes, it is. It's what they do when they don't want their sisters to get AIDS.

Finn

All right, back me up.

Rudy

All right, I will do. Right behind you, bro.

Can I help you with something?

Finn

I just wanna check... What are your intentions towards my sister?

Grace

What are you doing?

Finn

I'm sorry, but I... I don't want you to get AIDS, OK?

Are you saying I've got AIDS?

Finn

No, not at all. No, I was say... I was saying... [Grace's interest punches Finn in face sending him flying into table and to floor]

Grace

Piss off, you little shit! Hey, that's my brother, you fucking prick!