Why does she keep running off, then?
FinnBecause she's a girl. That's what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick. Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.
Well, fuck... What if it's that? Shit!
Oi! Don't swear in front of the bump!
[See Nadine running up a hill across the lake] Come on, we need to follow her.
Finn
[Answers phone] Yeah? All right, just...
I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er... Something's going on with Alex. He is gonna try and get his cock back. I'm really worried what he's gonna do.
Finn
To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex. So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.
Why are you being such a prick?
Finn
Good luck with it, though, yeah? I hope you're happy together. Fuck. I've... I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude.
Wait. Is she shitting in the bushes? Why would she be shitting in the bushes?
It's the werewolf thing, I told you.
Finn
Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar.
[Nadine appears in a nun's habit] What the f... ohh. Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
Finn
I'm just gonna call her back.
What are the fucking chances? When was the last time you even saw a nun?
Finn
[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?
Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?
Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?
He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.
We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.
Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.
Where is she? Where has she gone?
[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.
Is that the probation worker?
That was beautiful. You've got the voice of an angel.
What... W- What are you doing here? We really like karaoke. How about you?
Finn
I like... I like karaoke, too.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world. [Starts singing Don't You Want Me]
Finn
What happened to the baby?
Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?
So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.
Finn
Where you going?
That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.
[Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?
[Praying at apartment window] The Lord... giveth... and your boy takes awayeth. Sometimes the... taking away feels a little bit... more than the giving, but...
Finn
[Enters] What you doing?
I am praying, dude. I'm praying... to the Lord Jesus Christ, in the heavens above, that Nadine stops being a frigging nun, so I can... express my physical love for her in a... beautiful... union of our two genitals. [Does hand motions] Amen.
Finn
What, and God, he's taking these kind of requests, is he?
If he can build Noah a massive friggin' ark, he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he? You know what I mean?
Finn
I'm not being funny, but... you and a nun, it's not really something...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do not say whatever it is you're about to say.
Finn
What are you saying? I'm not sayin' anything.
Yeah, well, don't say anything.
Finn
I'm not.
Well, that's good. 'Cause in the Bible it says, "Judge not what a man hath done, but judge what he could have done if he was a different bloke altogether. "For art thou a leper... and a leper can changeth his spots, Finn."
Finn
I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".
That's the same difference.
Finn
No, it isn't.
It... It is. Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge, dude, 'cause I am gonna go and confess all my sins, be absolved for all responsibility of anything... ever. What a sweet deal. Innit?
Finn
So when are you doing this, then, this... confessin'?
[To community servers washing off graffiti] What's this?! What's with the strange lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the... rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up with you lot?
Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.
He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and is never gonna shag him.
Finn
Well... I- I- let her... speak for herself, shall we, Jess?
And him... He's in love with a nun.
I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!
Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi... no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh?
[Walks up to Abbey] What about you, sweetcheeks?
I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection. I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it. Which makes me feel sad and... lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.
You take the pain... and you hang onto it. You bury it! Deep inside you! Do you feel it?! Do you feel it? 'Cause that's it. Feels like your guts are strangling your heart. Lap it up, it's good for the soul.
Why are you looking at him like that?
Finn
It's like a weight's been lifted. Or reattached. I'm talkin' about his cock.
Why are you all so obsessed with his cock?
Finn
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.
If you're really that into it, why don't you go over there and ask him to show it to you? 'Cause he's working. And there's probably... a health and safety thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks. Well, there should be.
[Referring to Abbey flirting with Alex] Look at her. This whole "search for a bullshit connection" thing, it's just an excuse to be an enormous slut.
Finn
I like her.
Finn
Why do you care?
Finn
All right, well, that's... all worked out very nicely, hmm? Um... I have things to do and places to be, so I'll see you tomorrow.
[Talking to Alex] Okay... I'll see you later. [Walks away]
Finn
She seems nice.
Finn
Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly with all the ladies.
Do yourself a favour. Mind your own fuckin' business. [Walks up porch steps]
Finn
Maybe I'll make it my business. Maybe... I should go into the business of making your business... my business, and... and then we'll see whose b... business it is. [Alex jerks head forward startling Finn, then Alex chuckles and walks away]
[Finn enters room after Nadine been kidnapped by her convent sister nuns] Have you seen my nun?
Finn
No.
Finn
Please tell me you didn't?
Finn
No...
No, no, I didn't do that, because I'm a friggin' sheep, and she's fucking ran off again, hasn't she? Honestly, man, I am not sure how much more of this my fragile heart can take. Honestly... [Points and looks up] Have you done this?! You've... You've done this! You've... You've built up my dreams and y- y- you've crushed 'em! You're not a shepherd! You're a friggin' penis, sir!
Finn
You can't call God a penis!
Oh. Shit, fucking! [Smashes TV set with a baseball bat]
Finn
That's my fucking TV!
Well, we're just gonna have to put it down to an act of God, Finlay! Shit! God, what a bell-end!
[In locker room] Oh... D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember. All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest with you, with all the soft hair, silky vaginas. [Chuckles] I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death. I've bailed mid-fuck.
Finn
You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
Yeah, there's a... Yes, there's a point. And the point is, and this is fucking heart-breaking, there are shitters and there are people that get shat on. I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me. You know, me heart's in little pieces all over the floor here.
Finn
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up?! [Finn walks away] And stop... Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not. Fuck's sake! Shut up!
You've gotta fight for her.
[Scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?"
I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it. I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex. It's a shame.
Finn
Really? [Softly] Is that true?
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no. You're right. You are both right and you're friggin' strange. [Claps hand, points up and runs away, turning to them] You have to fight for the nun you love... That's what's happening. [Leaves door] Whoa!
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
I've just... I'm... I'm- I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?
No, I'd crawl, man. I'd... dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, really, I would. [Sighs]
[Puts both hands on Rudy's shoulders] Hey. That's what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit. Naked? [Slides hands down off Rudy's arms] I should know. I was in love once. Didn't say anything, I was too scared. Lost them for ever. That's... That's a shame, man. Feel your pain, man. That's horrid. You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, [Slams hands past Rudy on door menacingly] OR SO HELP ME GOD, OR I WILL FUCK YOU TO KINGDOM COME!
Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this. [Clears throat starts inching along] Cor... Ohh... Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg. [Runs away]
[On rooftop] They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are. Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love. It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can. Eh?
Are you sure that's her motivation?
It's... It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV. [Finn enters] Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted... They're [Finn sits] consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy. I mean, look at him. I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.
That what you were just doing in the toilets?
Finn
No.
Finn
I mean, what are we talking about?
Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we. You need to help me. Who's gonna help me? Come on! Oh, I see. Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable. The number of times I've helped you two out. And you, man. What about when you... the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap with you? Me.
Finn
That was you. You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
Finn
Yeah.
Yeah, and why did I do that?
Finn
Because you didn't wanna sleep in your own shit.
That's incorrect. It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's... It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.
[Community servers hiding behind a corner spying on the convent entrance]
Finn
So, what the plan?
Hmm? I don't have... I've... I've no idea. I'm sorry, I've not thought of yet.
Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination?
Finn
I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.
Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm.
You could use the special powers you got after being struck by that random freak storm. [Rudy and Finn turn and stare at Abbey condescended] It's just a thought.
Finn
You know, we really should use them more often. Hmm. [Outstretches hands and successfully unlocks convent front doors]
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
[Sitting on couch in Finn's community centre room] You need a new TV.
Finn
Yeah, I'm aware of that. [Abbey grabs his crotch and he coughs on his beer]
That's my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
Finn
Do I wanna fuck you? Well... Hmm. Well, that's a very interesting question, with... many possible answers. Well, two answers.
Do you need some time to think about your feelings for Jess?
Finn
Who said I had feelings for Jess? There's... There's no feelings. Not on her part. It's your call.
Let me know when you make your decision.
Finn
Are you saying you like me?
Hmm... I need to fuck you to find out. It's a process of elimination. And they said romance is dead. If you don't want to, that's cool.
Finn
That's not what I said, eh? Let's not be hasty... you, let's just... weigh up all the angles, you know, do a bit of geometry. Okay. Yeah, let's fuck.
Finn
Mmm?
Hmm-mm. You can start by rubbing my tit.
Finn
Any particular one?
You choose. [Finn rubs her left breast] Mmm.
Finn
[After a session] So, am I the one?
Technically it really wasn't too bad. It's just for me, it was completely lacking in passion and emotion.
Finn
Really?
Yeah. It's always like that. But look on the bright side. At least you got to come in me, so that's a gooey silver lining.
Finn
Mmm. So, is that it?
Looks that way. [She grabs his hand and they shake hands]
Finn
Is there any paperwork I have to complete?
Why would there be any paperwork?
Finn
Forget it.
For such a little guy, you've weirdly weighty balls.
[Finn opens door to her] What's going on?
It's all right, we've finished shagging.
Finn
Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Finn
Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
Finn
You like me?
[Comes in front door] Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
Finn
What did you do to her?
You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Finn
You heard her! Go!
Seriously, get out my face.
Finn
[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Finn
Seriously?
When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
Misfits · 556 quotes
