Finn quotes from Misfits

[Pushes elevator button] What the fuck's wrong with this thing?

Finn

Calm down, I'm sure she's okay.

Nadine

I dunno, mate. She looked in a pretty bad way.

[All go in elevator] Hang... Hang on! Whoa, whoa. Just stop, hang on. Hang on. We don't even know where he's taken her, do we? [Nadine wipes off blood of basement floor button] Eh? Oh, she's in the fucking basement. Brilliant.

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[Leaving elevator, to Nadine] Where you? Hey, whoa... You stay here, little lady. This is absolutely no place... man's work. It's dangerous. Right. Right, listen, right? Listen. [To Alex] You're gonna have to go down that way, we'll go down this way.

Why do I have to go on my own?

Finn

Because you're bigger than us.

[Whispers] Yes, he is bigger.

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[Comes across Richard curled up on stairs] So, here he is. Richard Saunders, honestly, what a complete cock-sucker. I fuckin' hate people who can't handle their drugs. [Kicks Richard waking him]

Finn

Shit party, by the way.

Really shit.

And next time, buy some fucking nibbles. Mmm!

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[Lounging on rooftop] I can't stop thinking about her. I'm never gonna see her again.

Nadine

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

[Yeah, you're right. No. Ac... No, sorry, no. That's just... I think that's bullshit. I think that's just something people say when they can't think of anything else.

Finn

I shouldn't have done it. I was only trying to make her jealous and she didn't even notice.

Huh!

Finn

[Rubs forehead] When d'you think it'll come off?

Soon. [Chuckles] Soon... probably. [Rudy, Finn and Nadine all drink their beer cans simultaneously]

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[Watching pregnancy exercise class in atrium of community centre from upper floor] No. Dude, no, I'm not feeling it. It's like I'm fucking numb. It's like I'm paralyzed from me cock down over here...

MMan

Ssh!

Listen, oi, you know me, usually I'd be all over that. This used to be me favourite bit. Look at 'em all, stretching out their fannies, all nice and wide with their big, swollen milky tits. You know, their vaginas, they have an expiry date, mate. You've got to get one last taste of that fruit before it goes off. Do you understand what I'm telling you? There's nothing worse than a mouldy piece of fruit. Especially peaches. But now, I'm not even interested, to be honest with you. I'll tell you why. Do you know why?

Finn

No.

Well, the girl from last night, Nadine, I can't get her out of me mind. What's it all about, really?

Finn

I think it means you really like her.

Fuck off!

Finn

We should get started.

Mm.

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Right, now then. [Points to an unresponsive Abbey on locker room floor] Prime example about the whole Nadine thing, right? Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl, normally I... would be thinking... [crouches over Abbey's face] balls on face. But nothing.

Finn

Balls on face?

Yeah. Dude, but not in a bloody creepy way, mate. In a... you know, like... 'Ey, dude... let's put our balls on each other's faces. For banter, though. Funny. [Abbey wakes up and drinks a sip from a beer can] Yes! Respect, straight back on it.

[Walks in] Who the fuck are you?

Abbey.

[To Finn] What's she doing here? Did you fuck her? Is that what happened?

Finn

No.

[Walks up to Finn and leans in] Did you fuck her in here? The smell of the sweat and the feel of the cold, hard tiles on your knees.

Finn

I didn't touch her.

Better not have. What's she doing?

Finn

She's on community service.

Well, n- no- one told me.

Yeah, well, I'm telling you now.

[Puts hand behind Finn's head] You're responsible for her. If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I'll fuck you up all the way to fuck.

Finn

How is that fair?

You can start by cleaning the shit out of the community centre. [Leans into Abbey] Have fun.

What's all that about?

That is our... that is our probation worker. He's bloody highly strung and he's very angry and I just think there's a lot of pain there, to be honest with you.

Well, good look with it all.

Finn

What are you doing? You heard what he said, he's going to fuck me up all the way to fuck. And... I don't even know what that means, but it's not good.

That's your problem.

Finn

Please just help us out for today. I- I'll sort something out, I'll get you out of it, I'll... I'll fake your death.

Where do I get a jumpsuit?

Ah, yes.

Finn

[Opens locker to jumpsuit] Yes, there.

Oh, hello! Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?

Fuck off.

Finn

So is that it then? You and Alex, are you together? Boyfriend and girlfriend?

Yeah, Finn. We swapped friendship bracelets and then we went to the cinema and he touched me up. [To Abbey] Are you on community service?

No. Just pretending.

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I just... I don't understand whether I'm... whether I'm just, I'm thinking about her because, you know, I know I'm never going to see her again.

Finn

What, like, when you go to a vending machine and there's no prawn cocktail crisps? And then alls you want is a packet of prawn-

Prawn cocktail crisps. Exactly, exactly that, man. Exactly that! [Pause] Fuck, and now all I can think about is prawn cocktail crisps, knobhead. [Long pause] Yeah, no, I'm still on prawn cocktail. Fuck it, I'm going to have to go and get some prawn cocktail crisps.

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Finn

Anyone fancy a drink?

I'm in. Let's drink to forget, drown me bloody sorrows.

Just need a shit. I'll meet you down there.

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Didn't think you'd come.

Why wouldn't I come? Oh, what, do you really think I'm that shallow?

Well, it must have been weird for you.

It's no big deal. All right, okay, it was a bit weird for both of us. I just know I don't wanna stop seeing you.

Look, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? It's not going to be like this for ever. I promise.

So, do I get some free drinks, then? Because if I'm not, what is the point in going out with a barman? [Scoffs]

I'd always thought I'd marry a girl called Nadine, man.

So, guess what happened to me. Oh, my God. I know. It's totally fucked. I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power. Next thing, I'm pregnant, she's not. Tried to run after her, couldn't catch her. It's fucking heavy.

[Reaches over to touch her pregnancy bump] Can I... [Finn slaps Rudy's hand]

All the times I've shagged people and never got pregnant. I go for a quiet dump and then this happens.

Finn

Well, what are you gonna do?

Gonna find her and I'm gonna shove this baby right up her arse. [Laughs] Someone get me a vodka tonic. [Finn points to her abdomen] Whoa. You're kidding me. It... It's such bullshit. I'll have lemonade.

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[Walks up to pregnancy class director on laptop in community centre atrium] Quick thing. You know the girl who was here yesterday, the young one who was here on her own?

PCPregnancy class director

Tara?

Yeah. I need her address.

PCPregnancy class director

Tara? Oh, I can't give out personal details.

It's kind of important. I've got something that belongs to her.

PCPregnancy class director

Well, you can give it to me and I'll make sure she gets it.

Doesn't really work like that. Plus, I'd really like to give it to her myself.

PCPregnancy class director

Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you.

[Sitting back next to Finn] Wish she'd tell me where that girl lives. Maybe I should lock her in the boot of a car. Have you got a car?

Finn

Jess has got a car. A hatchback.

I don't think she'd fit.

Finn

Well, what about the laptop?

Yes. Good. Steal the laptop, find the address, sell it on. Just need a distraction.

Finn

I'll take care of this. [Holds out hand straining]

Are you shitting yourself? Is that the distraction? 'Cause I'm not sure that's gonna work. [Tips over pregnancy class director's coffee cup spilling on her who runs out] Oh, my... that's your power? You can spill cups of tea?

Finn

No, it... It's telekinesis. It's not exclusive to tea.

[Picks up pregnancy class director's laptop] Let's go. [Walks to door just as Greg walks in]

[Walks up to Abbey] Where the fuck did that come from?

What?

Did you... Did you have that before?

Oh, that. No. That's new. Went to do a shit and there was this girl in the toilet and she was really upset and she transferred her baby into me.

[Laughs] You think this is... funny? You see me laughing?

Finn

[Whispers] No.

[Leans into Finn] Is this yours? Did you shoot your watery little spunk up her?

Finn

No. My watery little spunk hasn't been anywhere near her.

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It's one of these flats up here. It's going up her arse.

Ha-ha. Hey, I had the most amazing dream about Nadine last night.

[Feels baby kick in womb] Ow. He just kicked me.

How'd you know it's a him?

I don't know, just feels like a him.

I'll tell you summat else Nadine said, and all.

Finn

No offence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?

What do you mean?

Finn

It's all you've gone on about all day. Nadine, Nadine, Nadine. It is really fucking boring.

Usually when I meet a girl, it's... it's just, it's all down here. It's dick-based. I mean, honestly, I tried putting on a bit of grot this morning. A bit of girl-on-girl. Scissoring, all that, just clear my mind a bit. So sweet. It's the first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I... I don't know where to find her, do I? Let's go shove a baby up a girl's arse, shall we?

Finn

Right, for fuck's sake. Abbey, come on!

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[Following Jess] What are you doing?

I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.

You can't keep somebody else's baby.

What, you don't think I can look after it?

Finn

No, to be honest with you, not really.

Why would you even want another woman's baby?

[Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.

What, are you like an orphan?

No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.

D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.

Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat

[Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]

[To Alex and Jess] You all right?

Finn

Look at 'em. The happy couple.

Just forget about her.

Finn

I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.

[To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?

Finn

What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?

He's got both, like a worm?

Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.

Finn

Are you sure about this?

Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.

Finn

[Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?

Finn

Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?

Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.

So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.

Finn

Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]

Come on, mate. Eh?

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[Walks into washroom to Finn at urinal] Mate, listen. I just... I reckon maybe it's time you cut your losses now. You know, the whole Jess thing?

Finn

Maybe I should just tell her that I'm not gonna take any more of her shit.

Yeah, you're right. Of course I'm right. Oi. Check this out. Right, now, I'm gonna give you three guesses. [Pulls down jumpsuit with genitals tucked in legs] Who am I? [Imitates Alex] Ho-way! Y'all right? Oh, look at the state of that. I've got a lovely soft fanny. It's all soft and furry. Look at me little furry Virginia. Oh, it's like a little squirrels gone in there, give it a stroke. I want it to become my friend. I don't... Here he is! Big man. How you doing? You all ri... Oh. That was a bit of a clanger, wasn't it?

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Probation worker's looking me up on the system.

Finn

But if you lost your memory, how do you know your name's Abby Smith?

I don't. I just thought it sounded all right, so I went with that. Abby Smith. Abby s... Abby s... Abby Smith.

All the names in all the bloody world - you could have been Jasmine. G- Geraldine, you could have been. But, no, here... Here she is. Abby S... Smith, as well!

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[Nadine runs away from Rudy] Please don't go. Don't. Don't. Nadine. Fucking... Nadine!

Finn

How did it go?

It was amazing and then she's... she ran away... again. She left her bag. Shit!