Finn quotes from Misfits

Rudy

Yes, that's brilliant. Using your dad's cancerous tumors to get into her knickers, mate!

Finn

I'm not- I wasn't using his tumors.

Rudy

Absolutely brilliant. I have rubbed myself off on you, haven't I? You've been like a tiny little bird, right? And I've been nurturing, I've just been feeding you a little pipette of breast milk, like that. And you've gone and grown up. Now you're flying away, aren't you? Off into the distance.

Finn

[Pointing to photograph] This is you... and this is me mum. Mary. M-Mary Samson.

This is so weird. Your mum's Mary Samson? She had a nickname. What was it? Everyone used to call her... Mary, something Mary... Oh, what was it? Ma... Oh.

Finn

Anyway... me mum worked out a timeline on her pregnancy, when I must have been conceived. It was at this party. She says one of the guys in the photograph must be me dad. Me real dad. Only, she had a few drinks that night and can't for the life of her remember who she had sex with, which I find deeply disturbing on so many levels. So I guess... me question to you... and trust me, never in me worst nightmares did I ever think I'd be going around repeatedly asking this, but... me question is... did you shag me mum?

Are you saying that I'm your...?

Finn

Looks that way. Take your time.

Um... I've got a son! Look at you. Y- You're all grown up. I- I- I've missed so much. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. [Clicks fingers] Anal Mary! Your mum's nickname. Everyone used to call her Anal Mary. You know, I'm pretty sure I'm not your dad.

Finn

You said you had sex with her.

Ahh... There's no easy way to say this, but, um... I fucked your mum up the arse. It's her thing, you know. Yeah, it's all coming back to me now. Oh! Anal Mary. How is your mum? She, er, single?

Finn

So I guess me question to you is... at the party, did you... [clears throat] did you have sex with me mum?

Dan

Yeah.

Finn

About the sex... Was it normal?

Dan

Hmm, it was on a washing machine.

Finn

By normal, I mean... [whispers] was it... [makes a gesture]

Dan

What?

Finn

Vaginal?

Dan

Ohh, God! You've obviously heard about the whole Anal Mary thing, right?

Finn

I've heard.

Dan

I always hated people calling her that. So she liked it up the sh... I just don't think... people should have judged her. And to answer your question... Yes, it was normal sex.

Finn

I think that probably makes you my dad.

Dan

You're my son?

Finn

Yeah. Wow. I, um... d'you have any fatherly advice for me?

Dan

Um... don't get cancer. [Finn chuckles] No, seriously. Do not get cancer.

Finn

I'll try not to. Hadn't planned on it. [Laughs and starts coughing up blood] Cancer, eh? Bummer. Total bummer.

Finn

Is he? Is he gonna? Will he get better?

Grace

No, it's terminal.

Finn

Oh. Where's your mum?

Grace

She died a few years ago. She was in a car accident.

Finn

Jesus. Well, have you got any brothers or sisters?

Grace

No, just me. Guess this isn't exactly what you were expecting.

Finn

No. I'm glad I found him. I wanna help. What can I do?

Grace

Well, you could change his colostomy bag, if you like? I'm joking.

Finn

Oh! Bye.

Rudy

[In locker room] Right, so your new dad... craps in a bag? People are strange, mate.

Finn

You should see him. He's all, like...

Rudy

Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking... you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?

Finn

I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. You know, some people might say that was a little insensitive.

Rudy

Oh. What's your sister like?

Finn

You are clearly not one of those people.

Rudy

I meant as a person! I'm just thinking your sister needs a little bit of something to take her mind of things. By something, I mean... I know what you...! I know what you mean.

Finn

Oh.

Greg

[Appears] Who's dying?

Finn

Me new dad. He's not new, as in... [Greg does a facial tick and Rudy walks away] new to me.

Greg

[Sighs and walks up to Finn] D'you know how I felt when my dad died?

Finn

No.

Greg

Take a guess.

Finn

Sad?

Greg

I was fucking ecstatic. Guy was a miserable, judgemental prick. Danced a happy little jig on his grave. [Dances a jig and leans into Finn] You think about that... when you're out there scrubbing off graffiti and scraping up dog shit.

Finn

Okay. Will do.

Finn

Okay. I'm gonna go round later.

Jess

Yeah?

Finn

Feels good, doin', you know, something for other people. We could go for a drink after.

Jess

Sorry, I can't. I'm meeting Alex.

Finn

Who's Alex?

Jess

You know Alex, from the bar.

Finn

I thought you were pissed off with him.

Jess

I was, but then I punched him in the face and he asked me out and I said yes.

Finn

Why don't you just kick me in the balls?

Jess

Why would I want to kick you in the balls?

Finn

Does it get me a date?

Jess

Have fun with your sister. [Walks away]

Dan

Shit. Must be, er... kinda hard for you turning up and finding me like this.

Finn

No, I just... just wish I'd met you sooner.

Dan

Yeah, me too. I'm glad you came back. There's something I need to talk to you about... before Grace gets back. Um... Do you know... about the storm... and these weird powers?

Finn

I did hear something about...

Dan

I know we've only just met each other. There's no-one else I can talk to. Grace... has a power. And she's been using it to keep me alive.

Finn

Are you saying she's curing you?

Dan

No, no, no, she's not. She's... [groans] I'm not getting any better. And I'm in so much pain. I've been letting her do it... [groans] because she... didn't have anybody else. And you show up. She's got a brother now. I don't wanna live like this, Finn. I need you to make her see that she has to let me go.

Finn

Don't think there's anyone else?

Dan

She has no-one else. [Coughs] You're her brother.

Finn

Half-brother.

Dan

I need you to persuade her... to let me die. Please.

Finn

I'm a fun guy. So, do you have any brothers or sisters?

Grace

No.

Finn

You?

Grace

You already asked me that.

Finn

Right. Er... Have you got any pets?

Grace

No. You?

Finn

I did once pretend to have a dog. It was really me girlfriend. We don't need to go there.

Finn

Did that just look a little bit gay to you? Did it?

Grace

Okay, if you say so. D'you wanna tell me what we're doing here?

Finn

This guy, Alex, "from the bar", he's got a date with a friend of mine and we're finding out if he's gay.

Grace

Why?

Finn

So I can completely destroy his relationship with Jess before it's even started.

Grace

You like this girl Jess?

Finn

I might. That's not the point! Just keep your eyes... Now, where did they go? I think he's paying him for sex.

Finn

Oh, shit. They're here. He doesn't waste any time, does he? Quick polish of his cock and then he's ready to roll.

Jess

Finn.

Grace

What do we do?

Finn

Play... Play it cool, play it cool. Hey! Hey, good to see you. Hi, Jess. Jess, this is me sister... [Grace and Jess shake hands] well, half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Jess. It's Alex, right? Yeah, I'm Finn. This is me sister... half-sister, Grace. Grace, this is Alex. "From the bar".

Jess

What's with the speech marks?

Finn

No idea! [Chuckles sheepishly] So, how are you? How's it hanging, dawg? [Taps her one shoulder with her responding coldly]

Jess

Why are you being so weird?

Finn

What? Who's being weird? [Laughs sheepishly] Oh! She's always like this. You should see her when we're on community service. We have such a laugh. Don't we have a laugh?

Grace

Are you on community service? You told me you were studying engineering.

Finn

[Laughs awkwardly] Did I?

Jess

Well, this is awkward, so I'm going to the toilet.

Finn

You know what? Oh, I need a piss, too. Synchronized bladders.

Finn

Jess.

Jess

What are you doin'?

Finn

It's about Alex.

Jess

What about him?

Finn

He's gay. And I'm pretty sure he's paying men for sex.

Jess

Finn. I'm here. Fuck off!

Finn

[Holds phone under washroom stall] Watch the video. Watch it... and tell me if you still think Alex, "from the bar", isn't gay. Well?

Jess

You... are really pathetic. D'you know that?

Finn

Am I?

Jess

Mmm.

Finn

At least I'm not gay. Absolutely nothin' wrong with it. Unless... Unless you're pretending you're not gay so you can trick girls into having sex with you.

Jess

Why would anyone do that?

Finn

Where's me phone?

Jess

It's down the toilet. But don't worry, I didn't flush.

Finn

He's gay and you know it.

Jess

Nothing wrong with it.

Finn

Shit.

Jess

Fuck off. [Walks away]

Grace

I hate to say it, but I think she's probably gonna take him back to his flat... and fuck his brains out. You really like her, don't you?

Finn

I always have done. Ever since me first day on community service. She acts all tough and she's not. And I know I can make her happy. You don't wanna listen to this.

Grace

To be honest, it's nice to think about something other than Dad. I don't get out much.

Finn

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Grace

What's that?

Rudy

[Drops in] Oh, hello! I'm Rudy! It's nice to meet you! 'Ey, I bet he's been telling you all sorts about me, hasn't he? What's he been saying? What've you told her, you, you shit?

Grace

He hasn't said anything.

Rudy

Has he not? That's interesting. That's very interesting indeed.

Rudy

Nice one. She's lovely. Very nice and generous. [Softly] She's very cute, mate. Very cute. She smells of strawberries and cream.

Finn

I forbid you to even talk to her.

Rudy

I have popped in to say hello, all right, and to tell you how sorry I am about your dad. No-one's more upset about this than me.

Finn

Please don't fuck me sister.

Rudy

I'd love to help you, but unfortunately, I am... I'm genetically programmed to fuck people's sisters. It's the way the Lord made me. Can't be helped, dude. [Notices Grace flirting with a muscular man at bar] Who the fuck is that clown?

Rudy

Eh?

Finn

What? What?!

Rudy

Are you just gonna sit there and let some friggin' Neanderthal treat your sister like a piece of meat?! Worse... It's worse than a piece of meat! He's treating her like a piece of fish!

Finn

She looks like she's enjoying herself.

Rudy

Will she still be enjoying herself, I wonder, when you're taking her down the AIDS clinic?

Finn

Jesus, what did you have to say that for?

Rudy

Ugh.

Finn

You really think I should go over there?

Rudy

Mmm.

Finn

Is? Is that what brothers do?

Rudy

Well, yes, it is. It's what they do when they don't want their sisters to get AIDS.

Finn

All right, back me up.

Rudy

All right, I will do. Right behind you, bro.

Can I help you with something?

Finn

I just wanna check... What are your intentions towards my sister?

Grace

What are you doing?

Finn

I'm sorry, but I... I don't want you to get AIDS, OK?

Are you saying I've got AIDS?

Finn

No, not at all. No, I was say... I was saying... [Grace's interest punches Finn in face sending him flying into table and to floor]

Grace

Piss off, you little shit! Hey, that's my brother, you fucking prick!

Jess

[In locker room] Just so you know, Alex, [does air quotes] "from the bar", is so not gay.

Finn

Great. I'm sure he'll make someone a lovely husband. Or, should I say, "civil partner".

Jess

[Does air quotes] "Twat"! The thing in the underground car park, he was buying some gear.

Finn

So he's a drug addict. He... he is quite a catch.

Jess

D'you know what? I really don't give a fuck what he was doing. What's going on?

Finn

Me dad died.

Jess

Oh. God, I'm sorry, yeah?

Rudy

[Lunges at Finn and slams him against locker and starts drawing on Finn's upper lip] You little bastard! Draw on my face, will you? You little shit!

Jess

Rudy, don't!

Rudy

Fuck off! Little comedy Hitler mustache there.

Jess

Get off him! Rudy!

Rudy

It's fucking payback.

Jess

His fucking dad died!

Rudy

Oh, dear God. I'm sorry. Shit.