You are bang out of order, mate!
Because you're exploiting her disabilities and y- you are playing your...sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.
There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. D'you know what it says?
It says.... oh, now, now... settle it like gentlemen.
A game of Penis, Scissors, Twat.
FinnIs that like Paper, Scissors, Stone?
N... They stole that from me. The question is, are you a man or are you a vagina? [Curtis stares in disbelief] Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.
Can you please stop saying "vagina"?
Finn
What d'you call yours? [Silence] Forget I asked.
All right, let's do this. Best out of three.
RCRudy and Curtis
One, two, three. [Curtis does scissors]
[Covers Curtis's hand with both hands] That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors!
Finn
I've just remembered, I need to go home, to let the dog out. [Runs away]
[Spews his drink] Fuck, man! Dude, that is a euphemism if ever I heard one! Let your dog out! Let it off the leash, let it off, grr! See you tomorrow.
[Finn opens front door] Evening. Ha!
Finn
What are you doing here?
Finn
How d'you know where I live?
Finn
Instinct... That was a lie, that.
Here's the thing, I followed you home. I figured that if I just turn up on your doorstep, you'd have absolutely no choice but to let me stay, so... psychology, it's clever.
Finn
You can't stay here.
Finn
I do, you can't stay.
I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear it. Invite me in, you little prick. [Forcing his way in a fight]
Finn
You're not invited!
Finn
I'm uninviting you!
Finn
Get off! Get off me! You're on me!
[In hall] Thank you. Invitation accepted. [Notices door with multiple locks] Is that mine there, with all the bolts and padlocks on it?
Finn
No. That's, er... It's that one down there.
SESadie/electronic vocalizer
You can't keep me tied up for ever.
Finn
I'll let you go as soon as we get it sorted.
SESadie/electronic vocalizer
When will that be?
Finn
Soon. Really soon, I promise.
[In hall drinking a mug meeting Finn holding a bucket] Morning.
Finn
I thought you were asleep.
Yeah, well... the early bird catches the worm. [Notices bucket Finn is holding]
Finn
I like to shit in a bucket.
Finn
It's my flat. I can shit where I like. I should probably flush it. It's a bit of a stinky one.
Finn
Is it all right if I go home to let my dog out?
Finn
[Chuckles] What, you want me to pay you?
Well, you're asking me to risk my job, my pension, my reputation, so... what's it worth, dipshit?
Finn
About £2.86? [Puts change in Greg's hand]
Finn
Does that mean I can go and feed me dog?
Finn
[Steps in front of Seth carrying box in locker room] Hi. I- I was just... How are you?
I'm all right, just getting Kelly's things.
Finn
Here's a... a purely... theoretical... hypothetical question. But say there was someone I... needed you to take a power from. [Whispers] How would that Work?
It wouldn't. I'm retired.
Finn
Retired? But you're so young and handsome. So much more to give.
Finn
No. [Curtis and Jess enters]
I think he's asking me to take someone's power.
Finn
Asking you "to take someone's power"? That's hilarious.
[Enters] Right! I know what is going on at home.
Finn
What d'you... what d'you mean? Your home?
Stop lying! It's wrote all over your monkey-ish...little face. There, there! There!
Finn
I kn... I know it looks bad... keeping someone a prisoner like that, and tying 'em up and making them shit in a bucket, but...it's not what you think. She's me girlfriend. Girlfriend! Girlfriend. I didn't see that coming. She's got a power. She can make me into a perfect boyfriend. Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it. I stopped drinking, I stopped... I stopped going out with me mates. All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering. The conversations. We had to discuss everything. Me jaw physically ached from all the talking. That and the hours of cunnilingus. I practically lived with me face between her thighs. Some days I felt like I didn't see the sun. Oh, man, that is just... There's no man that could live like that. A few weeks ago, she went to Ibiza with her friends, leaving me to deep-clean the flat. With her being away, her hold over me faded and... I realised what she was doing and I did the only thing I could do. I tied her up and gagged her. To stop her using her power on me.
Why didn't you just leave her?!
Finn
Because I love her!
You can't just tie people up and keep 'em prisoner! It's weird and it's just fucking creepy.!
Finn
I was only doing it till I found a cure. Then we could be together again. It's gonna be like it was.
You don't think she's gonna be a tiny bit angry with you?
Finn
Maybe, at first. But what was I supposed to do? Just give up on her? It's easy to walk away, isn't it? I won't do that. We'll get through this, so you can fuck off judging me! You think this is easy? You think I'd do this if I didn't love her? Come round, wipe her arse. See how much fun that is. You have no idea. So fuck you's all!
You should probably know that the other me, he's gone round to your flat and he's... well, he's breaking into the room where you've got your girlfriend all tied up. D'you know, I thought it was a talking dog, me. [Laughs]
You sick psycho! It wasn't a talking dog! Dude, it was his girlfriend. He's had her tied up. You've had her pooing in a bucket!
RRudy
Yes, and with very good reason. She has been abusing him, she's been pussy-whipping the hell out of him, man.
Finn
Where is she?
She was having trouble walking. Her legs weren't working properly. They've gone all wobbly,you've had her tied down for so long. I rang her a taxi and, er... well, she's gone, man.
RRudy
I'll go and stick the kettle on.
Finn
We've been together since we were 16. She was 15.
Technically, that makes it statutory rape, so that's nice.
Finn
She's the only girl I've ever been with. I don't know how to be with other girls. I only know how to be with her. You know the worst thing? I really miss her.
Why d'you wanna be with someone who wants to change you? If the only way that you two can make it work is either her using her power on you, or you keeping her tied up and making her shit in a bucket then you're probably not meant for each other.
Finn
That's not true. We're just going through a rough patch.
She is going to feed you your balls.
Finn
Oh, Jesus. [Sighs] I can't go home.
Finn
Have a guess where I spent last night?
Oh! Did you get a photo of her little furry friend while she was sleeping?
Finn
What? No! Nothing happened. Well, I say nothing. I did get a little cheeky flash of nipple when she was wearing her pyjamas. Which got me thinking about other girls, moving on. A little flash of nipple. Maybe that's all it takes. Which is actually really pathetic.
Nipples. [Sighs] Little pink devils.
Finn
What's goin' on?
Your girlfriend's kicked me out the flat. She's got quite the temper on her, hasn't she? [Laughs]
Finn
Sadie? She's at the flat?
Yep. She is not an happy bunny.
Finn
We forgot the remote control for the TV. There's no remote.
And to a guy, that's like losing a testicle.
Finn
It's like losing three testicles. We need to go round to Lisa's to get it. And by we, I mean you need to drive me round there.
And there's no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels?
Finn
Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.
Has any of you seen Lola? The trainee probation worker?
Finn
Do we have a trainee probation worker? Nobody tells me anything. I'm outside the loop.
Shh. Listen, if she's cute... Dude, I saw her first, so legally that is first dibs.
You don't even know who I'm talking about.
Whoever your dad is, cheap bastard owes you for 21 friggin' birthdays! You know, the man's out there, he is just spraying his sperm around like it were friggin' confetti or summat like that. I tell you, the least he could do, [taps picture in newspaper] buy you a car. And that's not to mention all the friggin' Christmases he's missed as well. This little fella's gonna be balls deep in turkey this year,
D'you really think you can have a relationship with some guy you've never even met before? I'm telling you now.
He's me dad. We're blood, we're... Blood's thicker than wine. You know, as wanky as it might sound... [sighs] ... I'm going on a journey of self-discovery.
Finn
And... I'd appreciate it if I had a little bit of support.
Yeah, I just hope your dad's not tragically disappointed.
Finn
Why would he be disappointed?
Well, beca- [Greg appears] oh, dear.
Ohhh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe! [Points to Greg]
My office. NOW! [Leans into Rudy and whispers] We're going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee there will be tears. [Smiles] And they won't be mine.
[About Finn's dad] Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking, you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?
Finn
I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. I mean, some people might say that was a little insensitive.
Well. What's your sister like?!
Finn
You are clearly not one of those people.
Misfits · 556 quotes
