[Laughs and points at Finn's pants] Those are a mistake, by the way.
FinnWhat are?
Light-coloured trousers. And listen, that's a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
Finn
What's wrong with these?
[In a mocking tone] "What's wrong with these?" We're about to enter a war zone, mate. Things'll get really messy. Honestly, man, it's going to be the most insane house party you've ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers, heads are going to get shaved. There'll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
Finn
Will there be a buffet?
Yes, there'll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging. This is Richard Saunders, do you understand me? Richard "The Colonel" Saunders. He's a fucking lunatic. You know they used to call him Richard Two-Tabs? Because he used to drop two tabs of acid before he'd even got out of frigging bed in the morning. So to summarize, a Richard Saunders house party is absolutely no place for fucking chinos, man.
Finn
Well, they aren't chinos so...
Finn
[Sees Jess] Hiya. You all right?
All right? Are you ready for the carnage?
Oh, you'll see. You'll see what I'm on about. [Chuckles with a raised index finger]
Are we going to this party, or what?
Start working on your friggin' digits, mate.
Finn
That is a mark of honor. It shows I'm a good person.
Do you know... all right, here we go. All right, here's a graph, [makes hand motions referring to an x/y graph] all right? And down the bottom, it says "niceness", and down the side, it says "number of times I've ejaculated inside a real human woman," right? [Points at Finn] And your friggin' graph, dude, is doing this. Are you watching? Boom! All right? Do you understand what I'm saying?
Finn
I don't care about numbers. It's not about quantity. It's about quality.
Yeah, right. See her, there? She is never gonna respect you while you got that on your head, you moron!
Finn
You're wrong. Because she respects people with morals. People who actually stand up for something. And I reckon... tonight's the night.
Do you? All right. So while you're just... [makes hand motions] jerking off... into a wet flannel, like a stinky little Hobbit bitch, I'm gonna be joining the Hundreds Club, all right? [Picks up a cup at a bar to a woman] Here we go, here we go. Hello, I'm Rudy, how you doing? I'll be your waiter for the evening. I'll get you a white wine spritzer, that's for you.
CCarrie
Why've you got 99 on your head?
Mm, very interesting story about that. If you'd like to come to the bedroom with me, I'll just explain it all. It's very interesting.
CCarrie
All right. [She walks away with Rudy]
Finn
Fuck off!
Finn
So... it turns out we've got something in common. Neither of us are slags.
Finn
Maybe we should do a bit of bedroom mathematics. Find out if two can go into one.
If I'm two and I'm going into one, that would mean that I'm penetrating you.
Finn
It was a joke. God... Forget it.
I know you'd rather spend the evening talking to Mister HIV over there. [Nods head to Alex]
Finn
I know that, but...
Finn, can we not do this tonight? [Walks away]
Finn
Oh, no. No, thank you. Are you all right?
[Attempting to decide on a woman in party] No! Hello! Would you? Fucking unbelievable! No!
WWoman
Oh! Who is that fuckin' guy?
No! Sorry! It's not happening! Shit! [Gets woman's attention] Ooh, hey! You're all right. What's your name?
HHolly
Why've you got a 99 on your head?
That's how aroused I am out of 100. I'm gonna let you know if you get down to final three, yeah? [Finn joins him] Just conducting a little field study, eh? Trying to make a short list for the Miss 100, aren't I?
Finn
Right.
[Observes Jess talking to Alex] You're sulking cos you've been blown out the water by the sexy barman, aren't you?
Finn
He's not sexy!
Finn
Okay, he's quite sexy! He's got the whole... face thing going on. But... so what?
D'you know, I think the best thing you can do right now, let's just find someone else and make her jealous.
Finn
Maybe you're right.
Course I'm right. Uncle Rudy were born right, mate, 99. Let's do this. Come on, little man.
[Motions to a deeply inebriated woman] Right, there we go! Right, that's a freebie! Pudding is served!
Finn
I can't. She... She's wasted.
RRudy
Look, mate, there is no law against fucking a wasted girl. It's a bloody loophole is what it is. [Makes gesture] Right, this is your loophole here. You take that loophole, you put your dick through the loophole. Do you understand me?
Finn
Just so we're clear, there is a law against fucking drunk girls.
RRudy
[Chuckles] Really, Finlay? Really?
Finn
Yes.
Shit. Right... Right, well, in that case, drink up. Come on.
Finn
Where are we going?
You're not gonna get laid here, man. You need a party where the girls are emotional, a bit confused, desperate to forget how sad and miserable their lives are, frankly.
Finn
Are we going back to the funeral?
Yeah, we're going back to the funeral, come on. [Steps out in hallway over Abbey passed out with Finn fixated on her] Yeah, mate. Eh, I think she's the one for you, ain't she?
Finn
Do you think she's all right?
Yeah, man, I think she looks really nice.
Finn
I think we should move her.
No, leave her, she's peaceful.
Finn
Let's put her inside. Grab her legs.
Fuck's sake! One, two, three... [carrying Abbey into party's apartment] everybody, get out of the way! Drunk girl coming through! We haven't spiked her, so no-one panic! Excuse me... can you open that door?
PMParty man
[Opens bathroom door] Cheers, dude, nice one. [Rudy and Finn carry Abbey into bathroom]
Good God, man! You all right there? All right, mate? Yeah. Up we go! Now. [Puts Abbey in bathtub and Finn places a rolled up towel under Abbey's head] Christ! Come on... What are you doing?!
Finn
Just making her comfortable!
[Back at funeral wake observing women] Some of these are very vulnerable, mate, right? You know, they're weak, bit delicate. It's time for some sweet, sweet bereavement pussy. Hmm! Ooooh!
Finn
I dunno about this.
'Course you don't. That's why you're still on that, innit?
Finn
Please stop flicking me.
Get your game face on. Hmm? Come on. Step up to the plate.
Finn
Hi, I'm Finn.
WWoman
You've got something in your teeth.
Finn
[Reaches in mouth] Oh. [She walks away]
[Walks up to Nadine] It's tragic, innit, really? Fragility of life.
Finn
Tell you what, puts it all in perspective, really, all this, doesn't it?
Finn
Mmm. Actually, no. It doesn't. I think that's just something people say at funerals when they can't think of anything else.
Ohh... Er... can I interest you in a dry sherry? [Nadine breaks out sobbing] What's the matter with you? Oi! Why are you getting upset?
She was a good person. I'm gonna miss her.
Let me sort you out. Um... [grabs a napking] an I just take that, mate? Cheers. Sorry, dude. [Hands her napkin] There you are. Thank you. It's all right. You're probably gonna feel like this for a really long time, you know, and then one day, you'll be sitting there and you'll suddenly realize that when you think about her, it's... it's a happy feeling, you know, instead of... just instead of it being so sad. I just think that's when you know you're all right. [Chuckles] You're right. It's depressing, innit? Well, it is a funeral. Yes, I suppose it'd be... So... bit disrespectful if we were all... downing shots of vodka and getting nude. [Nadine laughs]
You've... You've cheered me up.
Can I ask... why have you got a number on your head?
Oh. It's a long story, really, that one. Very long.
How? How come I didn't see you at the funeral?
At the community centre. Yeah, I'm a caretaker there. I like to give a bit back to to community, to kids...
Mmm. Can I get you a drink, then?
Yeah? All right, then, you stay there, Nadine. Two dry sherries coming right this way.
[Glances at clock] Is that the right time?
No, don't go. Please don't. I wasn't hitting on you. I wasn't, if that's what you thi... But it's not that I don't think you're attractive, cos... you're beautiful. It's... The numbers, though, they don't mean anything. And... And the 100 thing, I- I don't give a shit about, so... just stay and have a drink.
It's been really nice meeting you.
Don't go. [Nadine leaves party] What? What the fuck was that?
You all right? How's it going?
Finn
It isn't.
I just met this girl who's really nice... and... different.
Finn
Great. I'm... I'm made up for you. You've finally found Miss 100. Maybe we should throw a little ceremony when you shag her, you know, bit of... bit of confetti...
Finn
Nice little trophy, ye-eah!
No. Wasn't like that. Wasn't like that. It was... it was something else, wasn't it? I've not... I never got her number. [Walks away]
Finn
[To self] Are we okay to mix sweet and savoury? It's just, I'm never sure.
I think you'll be okay. [Finn turns to her] You have nice eyes. [Bites into pickle]
Finn
Are you okay? I didn't... I didn't wanna do any damage down there.
Finn
Yeah?
[Unveils himself from bedsides bed] Finlay!
Finn
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!
We've got major problems, mate.
Finn
Well, can't it wait?
No, it can't bleedin' wait! I've had to wait for you to ejaculate.
Finn
What more d'you want?
You get your shit together, right? Finlay!
Finn
[Walking out in hallway] What kind of rabbit?
I don't know what kind of fucking rabbit. They're all the same.
Finn
Well, actually they're not. Well, you've got the lop-eared, the American lop-eared, the French Angora...
Shut up, be quiet. It is a psycho rabbit and it is wearing a suit and it's got a golf club. That's all I know.
Finn
Right. Did it have a silky coat?
Just shut up! Shut up about the rabbit. That's all I know.
Finn
Right, okay. Did it have a silky coat?
[Slapping Finn's shoulders] Just shut up! Shut up about the rabbit! Seriously, man, be quiet! Fuck! We've gotta find the others!
Finn
Sorry.
All right. No... No, I'm gonna have to tool up. [slips keys off key ring as a weapon] Gonna have to... [chuckles] just gonna put 'em like that. See? Another one through there. Pshhew!
Finn
Ah!
[Strokes Finn's face with keys] Let's do it. [Walks away]
Finn
Hang on, I want one!
[Walks back] Attempts to slip off a key] Come... Come on, mate. Honest to God, do not have time for this sort of shenanigary, do we? If I could just get my finger under there, it wouldn't be so bad, but... I can't get it off, mate. [Walks away, repeatedly] You'll be all right... [Finn follows']
Finn
Fuck!
Finn
Hey. You're okay!
Finn
You were kind of out of it. We... We found you out in the hallway.
Right. You the one that put me in the toilet?
Finn
Yeah, I- I... I felt bad just leaving you there like that.
Didn't touch me up or anything while you were moving me? Bit of the old side boob?
Finn
No. God, no. No.
Then why are my knickers on inside out?
[Slaps Finn's head] You...!
Finn
I- I- I didn't do anything. I didn't.
Finn
Oh, my God. I never... [splutters]
I'm joking. [She and Rudy One laugh] Hey!
No. No, th... Thanks a lot.
Finn
Anyway, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Yeah. [Grabs Finn and pulls him away]
Nice one. [To Alex] Hey, come on, drink up. We're goin'.
Because there's a giant white rabbit out there who's wearing a suit, he's got a golf club, and he's... goin' round killing people.
What is wrong with you both? It's just a fucking rabbit! I told you!
I told you he was out there.
The white rabbit. I said he was coming for us.
Richard, did you do this? Is this your rabbit, mate?
I haven't done any in a while. I didn't think it was gonna happen again.
Finn
Done what?
The storm. I dropped some acid and it got bad. It got really fucking bad.
[Leans into Richard] Mate, did you shit yourself? Dude, did you shit yourself? This hallucination... shat himself.
The white rabbit, it's become real!
Hang on a minute, so you've taken acid, there's now a giant white rabbit with a golf club and no-one's shat themselves, that's good.
Finn
I thought she was with you.
Finn
She... Well, we need to find her.
[Jess is in hallway]
Finn
She's not in the bathroom.
Listen, she's bloody gone home. She'll be on the couch, all curled up, Maltesers, watching a film about boys.
Look, we need to find her.
Finn
You need to find her. This is your fault.
Finn
She was with you, then we come back and she's gone, so what happened?
Look, just stop. Me and Finn are gonna go and have a look at the funeral. Just ask around, man.
Finn
Fine, but if we're going out there, I want me own keys.
Misfits · 556 quotes
