Curtis Donovan quotes from Misfits

Emma

What the fuck is going on? How did I get here?

Curtis

Mark spiked you. Don't worry, I stopped him before he really did anything.

Emma

Where is he?

Curtis

He's tied up in the boot of the car. Did the same to me last night. Spiked me. That's why I was so out of it.

Emma

What are you talking about?

Curtis

There's something I need to show you. [Transforms into Mel]

Curtis isn't shagging me. He isn't cheating on you, and neither am I.

Emma

This is... totally insane.

I just wanted to run. To feel it again. To feel... good about myself. Being her, it... it was the only way I could do it. I never meant for any of this to happen... to hurt you. Thought I wanted it more than anything. It's not worth this. I need to find something else that makes me feel like that.

Emma

[Curtis opens trunk of vehicle to reveal a tied up Rudy] What should we do with him? [Rudy is now tied up to railings naked written on his chest; "I drug and rape"]

Rudy

It was you, you've done this to me.

Curtis

No one needs to know about that. And next time you find a girl unconscious, you don't touch her. You get it?

Rudy

I was checking on you. Hm? It was you that was all grabbing me, nuh-nuh-nuh, kissing me and pushing me head down. I don't even like doing that. So who's the real victim here?

Curtis

You never heard the saying, "no means no"?

Rudy

Yeah, but you didn't say no. You said, "Suck my nipples."

Curtis

I was spiked! I thought you were someone else. You didn't think it was strange when I started calling you Emma?

Rudy

People say all kinds of weird shit during sex. I was fucking this bird this one time, right, I'm about to blow my load, and I went, "Auntie!" What's that all about?

Curtis

You should've known.

Rudy

You never look a gift horse in the mouth, do you? That's one fine looking gift horse you've got there. [Starts retching and coughing] Oh! Ooh, I've got it. [Holds up a hair]

Kelly

Ugh, is that a pube?

Rudy

Mmm! D'you want it back?

Alisha

[Laughs] Did you?

Rudy

For a bloke, he's got a lovely pussy.

Curtis

Fuck it. [Walks away]

Rudy

Hmm.

Shaun

[Seeing Rudy and Rudy Two] Who the fuck is this?

It's my auntie. Who do you think he is?

Shaun

What, you've got a twin brother?

Nowt's getting past you, is it, today? Check out the big brains on the probation worker here.

Shaun

Why's her wearing a jumpsuit?

Because... sometimes I do my community service, sometimes he does it. We like to mix things up.

It keeps it interesting.

Shaun

This isn't a job share. Whoever does the crime, does the boring, mindless shit.

I have a question, right? What if we we're conjoined twins, yeah, with our heads? They're all mashed together, and we go out in the town, for a few beers, some bloke sees us and he's like, "Oi! You two-headed fuck!" He flips out, goes mental and batters the guy. Who does the community service then? Because they, they are conjoined with one massive head but with two personalities.

Shaun

Well, we'll come to that bridge when we come to it.

All right.

Shaun

I'm going to pretend like I never saw this, because I really can't be arsed. Just make sure one of you turns up. [Leaves]

Curtis

[In disbelief] Oh man. That's insane.

The old conjoined twins mind fuck works every time. Doesn't it?

Curtis

This guy who's taking people's powers... You said you deliver food to the cells?

Kelly

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. They've got me working my arse off!

Curtis

We need you to put this in his food.

Kelly

What is it?

Curtis

You really need me to tell you?

Kelly

I ain't killing him.

Curtis

He's a prisoner. He's not one of 'em! Ain't nothing personal.

Kelly

Killing someone?! To me, that's fuckin' personal!

Curtis

The Nazis are using him to take people's powers. They want them for themselves. When they get them, they're gonna use them against us. We can't let that happen.

Rudy

What about them Nazis, hey?

Curtis

What about 'em?

Rudy

Very bossy. You're not taking the bait at all. You're making... You're gonna make me come right out and say it. [Whispers]

Curtis

Are you part of the resistance? [Curtis slams Rudy's head against wall pointing gun at his head] Oh! I'll take that as a yes.! Good. It's nice to meet you, mate!

Curtis

Who are you?!

Rudy

I've got one of them bullshit powers! Nazis are after me!

Curtis

Show me!

Curtis

You go in there to kill him and you end up saving his life? Just explain to me exactly how that happens.

Kelly

I couldn't kill him. He was trying to kill himself.

Curtis

Then you leave him to it. Job done. He was prepared to hang himself rather than let those bastards have the powers.

Kelly

He's on our side.

Curtis

That's no good to us if the Nazis have got him. We missed our shot. We might not get another.

Rudy

Hmm, now then. That's like the, er, story of the Tortoise and the Hare.

Curtis

Eh?

Rudy

Or is it the owl... owl and the pussycat? Something about a lion and a dog? Two in the hand is worth... one in the bush, isn't it?

Curtis

Stop stealing the alcohol.

Rudy

I thought you said to just help myself?

Curtis

I said; stay the fuck away from the bar!

Curtis

[Hears tires screeching] They're here!

Rudy

[Curtis is operating blender] What?

Curtis

[Shaun bursts into bar with soldiers guns drawn with Curtis and Rudy sitting at table with smoothies in martini glasses] What's going on?

Shaun

What do you think? It's a raid. Who are you?

Curtis

I work here. [To Rudy] And you?

Rudy

Er, I'm his... gay lover. I'm... the giver, he's the taker. I'm the butch, he's the bitch. I'm the sausage, he's the muffin!

Shaun

You're aware that homosexuality is illegal?

Rudy

Oh! I were jokin'. 'Cause, er... he's me cousin, from me...

Shaun

Shut the fuck up.

Officer Smith

So you have the power? And now, you can put it back in him.

Shaun

He's just taken it out of him.

Officer Smith

We can't afford for anyone to have this power. Too much could change. It dies with the old man.

Shaun

I won't do it.

Officer Smith

[Grabs Simon and shoves him into position to shoot Friedrich] Shoot him. Shoot the old man. Take out your side arm, and shoot him. That is a direct order!

Shaun

Take your fucking gun out and shoot him! [Officer Smith shoots Friedrich]

Officer Smith

Get him out!

Curtis

[Walks in] Take your fucking hands off me.

Rudy

Leave him alone!

Officer Smith

Put the power in him. I will shoot... EVERY PERSON IN THESE CELLS UNITL YOU DO AS I SAY!

Curtis

Don't do it.

Seth

I'm sorry. [Puts power into Curtis]

Officer Smith

[Shoots Curtis in the head and shoots him twice more] And that's the end of that.

Alisha

You're wanking, on your own, in a cupboard?

Curtis

We used to do it.

Alisha

Yeah, and it was weird then.

Curtis

I never heard you complaining.

Simon

[Enters] What's going on? [Looks at Curtis and smiles] Have you been wanking?

Curtis

Do you want to say it a bit louder? [Alisha chuckles and Simon starts to look at her]

Alisha

[To Simon] What?

Simon

Why are you here?

Alisha

What, you think I was watching him wank?

Simon

...That's what you used to do.

Alisha

I'm not getting into this. It's too weird. [Leaves]

Simon

It's like a zombie film.

Rudy

Never watched one, mate. I'm more of an E.T. man, me. I fucking love that little cunt- [Curtis covers his mouth]

Curtis

How do you mean, it's like a zombie film?

Simon

Anyone who was brought back to life, it's like they need to feed. It's infectious. If you get bitten, you become one of them.

Kelly

Hang on a minute. He brought Shannon back from the dead. Are you saying she's a zombie?

Simon

Who's Shannon? [Kelly runs away] Wait, Kelly! [Cat hisses] What are we gonna do with this frigging cat?!

Curtis

It's the only way he'd take my power. I couldn't have a baby. How the fuck's that gonna work? I'm sorry, yeah? So, what happened when you went down there?

Kelly

He didn't believe me. He's just acting like nothing's wrong.

Curtis

What are you gonna do?

Kelly

I should let her eat the prick. He thinks I'm saying it cause I'm jealous. It's him that I'm pissed off with. I'm not some nasty, jealous little skank. I hate that. I'm gonna have to fucking kill her, aren't I?

Curtis

Do you want a hand with that?

Rachel

Will someone please tell me why I'm here?

Alisha

Really?! You'd better not be here to fuck with us again.

Rachel

Sorry about the whole brainwashing thing. Got a bit carried away.

Rudy

Hey, don't sweat it. It's fine.

Curtis

You weren't even there!

Rudy

Yeah, I know, but you forgive and you forget, man. And I forgive you.

Rachel

For what?

Rudy

For whatever it was they were talking about.

Simon

What's it like? Being dead.

Rachel

Well, the big news is there's no God.

Rudy

Ohh, ho-ho! Thank fuck for that! I might've done one or two things that weren't exactly... Christian in the strictest sense of the word.

Rachel

Well, none of it matters anyway, so...

Rudy

Yeah, if there's no God. That's a result.

Tony

[Appears in hallway to community servers sitting in wheelchairs with Rudy doing stationary wheelies besides a smashed vending machine] What are you doing?

Rudy

We are relaxing.

Tony

Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?

Curtis

Yeah, they sent someone. Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly.

Kelly

[Shrugs] Shit happens.

Curtis

The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader. [Points to Rudy] He battered her to death with a baseball bat.

Rudy

Mmm. She had a shocker of a day.

Tony

What happened to the vending machine?

Rudy

Oh, that's a funny thing, that. I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly.

Rachel

[Laughs] I'm off my fucking tits!

Tony

Look at you. You're out of control. Completely immoral. You're feral.

Alisha

Right. [Clears throat and wheels forward] All we have ever done is defend ourselves from you and every other fucker that's tried to kill us. We've done our best, and if you've gota problem with that, then fuck you! Like you're so perfect?! Sort your own shit out. I think we've done all right, considering.

Rudy

I think we've done more than all right, love. [Points to hole in vending machine] Free chocolate.

Tony

I've got to find Sally.

Simon

[Runs into Tony in hallway ] You? [Grabs fire extinguisher and slams it on Tony's head]

Tony

Jesus! Will you... just stop hitting me!

Kelly

[Appears with Curtis with Rudy dry humping Rachel in atrium] So, you met the old probation worker, then?

Tony

Yeah, we've met.

Simon

What's going on?

Curtis

He's back too. Seems okay.

Kelly

Where've you been?

Simon

There was something I had to...

Rudy

[Rachel vomits] Whoa!

Simon

...do.

Rudy

Whoa, man, she's just been sick!

Simon

Has anyone seen Alisha?

Rudy

Poor thing, she's in a right mess. Shall I make her a cup of tea? Do ghosts even like tea? Do they? Ooh.

Curtis

Are you all right?

Rachel

You killed me. And then you turned me into a nasty little slut. Like you.

Kelly

There's nothing wrong with us, mate. You're the one with sick down your top.

Rachel

You're everything I always hated. [Holds up a boxcutter knife]

Rudy

Whoa! What are you doing?

Rachel

This is why I came back. Revenge.

Rudy

Listen, you don't mean that. Yeah? I thought we were all gonna be friends here, weren't we? Let's not do this. Eh? Just put it down... [Alisha appears who gets her throat slashed by Rachel who then disappears]